let’s travel through the vast unknown with mama

people aren't as cool anymore because they love to be very vocal about what they wish to emulate. it's supposed to be your own little secret. for you, only. leaving everyone else wondering how you do it

Dick van dyke... God. What a name. I wish I could be named penis from lesbian.

I swear to god if this gets 10k i'm [remembers violent jokes are bad] donating to wikipedia

I love roleplaying with asterisks why don't we do that anymore

You can say anything watch this *jumps* you just imagined me jumping didn't you. Now watch this *starts jerking off* awesome right? The asterisk holds the limitless imagination

if it's snowing where you are keep that to yourself it should have happened to ME

You should be able to have zero dollars to your name and still have everything you need to survive, dependable housing, food, water, clothing, personal care necessities like soap and deodorant and toilet paper and period products, medicine and the prescriptions/healthcare you need to live comfortably… not everyone’s life should be focused on the accumulation of wealth, and yet society is structured around earning money being the only way to survive or do anything at all. Some humans are really good at earning money because it gives them purpose but that shouldn’t be how everyone has to live

they love a man that believes in aliens but they hate a woman that believes in fairies

i actually get a bit annoyed with people who get a bit annoyed when people say “sorry” in response to their bad news. “why are you apologizing you didn’t do anything :/” like okay well a) you don’t know that and actually yes i am the secret architect of all your woes and have been this whole time, way to refuse to acknowledge a woman (gender neutral)’s accomplishments. and b) we’re both fluent english speakers so you know perfectly well that “sorry” isn’t always an apology and is very commonly used as an expression of general regret or sympathy. not in this case, because i have been your secret nemesis for years, meticulously plotting your every misery, but, like, in general

i used to be a green onion

well you know what they say. when you've invested billions of dollars into hammers every problem looks like a nail and you keep handing these hammers to your users and they go "i don't really think i needed this hammer" and "but i don't have any nails that need hammering in right now" and "this is not a nail this is a glass vase that will break if i hit it with a hammer" and "didn't you used to have, like, other tools avaliable that might be better suited to this job" and you tell them to suck it up because you've replaced all your screwdrivers and wrenches and box cutters and crates and ladders and paint with hammers because your shareholders need to see an increase in value from your hammer investments