Streikoneko

today I found out my mother doesn’t know what dandelions are and now I’m wondering what other strange secrets she’s been quietly harboring

Where do you live that you don’t have dandelions?

we have dandelions EVERYWHERE, they are basically our State Weed, it is absolutely impossible that my mom has never interacted with a dandelion before, this requires further investigation

See, folks in the southern US will tell you up and down those are buttercups, actually.

Wait I thought those bigger cup ones were Easter Lillies???

They’re marigolds and I know a bitch when I see one!

….we need to start taking the phrase “go touch grass” more literally. go outside and examine a flower i beg u

*squints* is that a motherfucking EVENING PRIMROSE?!??

#amazing work everyone hit the flowers

was talking about bus ads with my coworkers yesterday and i'd only just mentioned the "reseller ads" before one of them said "yeah, the one for fucking your brother" and everyone nodded. yes yes we've all seen it

Hamsterdam

Kontent

Theres no fukin betterer way zum flyen.

Wrong account my fault

mature content warnings on text posts of nothing but letters on a screen. . . remember when you were allowed to post like an adult and not be shamed or silenced for it

They hate me for being a horny pervert but I have warriors defending my honour across the globe

love the word fruitless. arguing with you is like if there was no apples involved whatsoever

does a cute pose despite it all

my family has had some pretty interesting encounters with psychics/mediums that seem genuine in the past, but nothing will ever be funnier to me than the last guy my mom talked to who was so definitely bullshitting, because she said "I was hoping to hear from my husband" and the guy went "he said....it's okay to Move On" and like. every single person my mom has recounted this too has been like "He Would Not Fucking Say That". as if this was an ooc fanfic about my father. it's just so fucking funny. fake psychic dude take your shitty headcanons about my ghost dad and LEAVE!!!

like, my parents were legitimately insane about each other. I cannot stress how much he wouldn't say that. I have to assume his ghost was standing right next to this fake psychic yelling "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" when he told my mom to move on lmfao

actually. funnier to imagine he was a Real Psychic who was just trying to put a move on my mom and didn't think the ghost would do anything about it and now is now dealing with a violently angry haunting for the rest of his days lmfao

Psychic: I also choose this guy’s still-alive wife.

So how much longer are we gonna pretend "higher than normal call volume" is a thing that exists. I think its normal call volume actually and you just arent hiring enough people. I think if you experience higher than normal for a very long time its no longer higher than normal its just normal and youve failed to adjust accordingly

It's hilarious to me that Al Capone was an amazing tipper. I get why it took so long to catch him.

Men who talk shit about gold diggers underestimate the grit it takes to put up with an insufferable man, even when money is involved. We should be thanking them for their service like they are veterans.