the dark souls of being gay

if you dont know me, im Ross, 25 yo certified eldest daughter that still lives with my mom and my siblings and basically does everything to keep them alive including working as a house cleaner/doing odd jobs for money, running all the errands, cooking their meals, cleaning to the best of my ability, and overall ensuring that no one under this roof dies

i have chronic pain, hypothyroidism, an autoimmune disease that results in painful oral/genital ulcers when i get sick, im autistic/ADHD/bipolar and currently i am OCDs bitch because i am just absolutely robbed of all control over my life for the sake of others lmao

im venting here because i am just at the end of my rope

ive been an active provider in this family since covid, but when my dad died in 2021 i quickly became the sole provider as my mom spiraled further into depression and agoraphobia, one of my siblings wasnt able to complete hs during covid, my youngest sister was only 13 when my dad died so it was on me a lot to be emotional support and ill be real! i still have not fully gone thru the grieving process because ive had to dissociate the past 5 years just so i could be what my family needed and honestly, that was my dad

ive been trying my damnedest to find a job that works for me, i went into retail management thru bealls and dollar general and it just fucking sapped me of any energy needed to take care of things at the house because surprise im only one person and that, on top of general lack of professionalism, disrespect, and lack of accommodation for me regarding my familys needs at home, i decided to leave both of those jobs. stupid, honestly but i genuinely could not do it all

there is an upside, my siblings are starting to learn how to care for themselves and the house - we all grew up in a hoarded mobile home and none of us were taught how to clean and take care of domestics when we were younger so im having to learn it myself then teach it to the rest of my family

on top of that i was offered a job at my local smoke shop that is long hours, about 14 hour shifts 3 days a week, but it is significantly less work than what i had to do for my previous jobs so im jumping on it to provide some stable income. they didnt give me an exact date yet but the manager is wanting me on late may/early june for my training before one of their employees leave for good

i may still reblog this when i have the job, because shit happens and were actively trying to fix our 30 yo rotting house up so that my bf of 5 years can finally live with us and i can feel normal not having long distance as one of my debuffs

i need a break, ive been running off of 4-6 hours of sleep every night for idek how long now, when i say i do everything i do EVERYTHING and there is still the problem of everyone pushing me to work to provide for them when sometimes the mere thought of doing anything sends me into a panic attack

im severely insecure about money given the fact that every penny i earn goes straight back into the house yet when i need extra cash to pay for necessities, its treated as a loan that i have to pay back always. i have 4 tallies kept on me of how much i owe other people when i myself have given easily tens of thousands of dollars without any expectation to receive it back

im insecure about my lack of control, im 25 in a long and committed relationship but i still have to sit and watch my cousins get married after only a year of knowing their partners because my responsibilities constantly hold me back

i was supposed to be moved in a new home with my bf years ago but because shit happens and one persons income is not enough we had to put that on hold indefinitely

im trying to do it all and not ask for help but genuinely it takes all of my strength sometimes not to just kill myself so at least i can be fucking free of all this