don’t make a promise you can’t keep

if you have to rely on specific scripts or turns of phrase to socialise that's totally fine, but you must NOT reveal them to your friends while slightly drunk. it's like showing how the magic trick works, you can't do it in front of them afterwards

i like dogs a lot but i can never remember the differences between breeds (apart from the few types i've actually owned/interacted with). but i know people looove their dogs and love talking about their dogs, so whenever im talking to a dog owner i'll ask what breed it is, and no matter what breed they say i'll say "oh! i've heard they have a really nice nature :D" and they always go YESSS THEY'RE GREAT and start gushing about their dog and we have a nice conversation and i build social credit with this person. anyway i told my friends about this script a few weeks ago when slightly drunk and now every time we're in public together and a dog goes past they turn to me and ask "does that one have a nice nature?" im in a hell of my own making

the thing about CC is that she did plagiarize. she was found guilty of plagiarism and banned from fanfiction dot net! she plagiarized pamela dean, among others, and lied about it repeatedly! it happened! and regardless of whatever else she writes, regardless of whether the publishing industry and her fans trust her not to do it again, regardless of how many times her wikipedia page gets scrubbed clean, that will always have happened! so it is not in fact cruel gossip, but a factually true statement, to say that she plagiarized and i'm not interested in supporting her or giving her the benefit of the doubt because she plagiarized and lied about it repeatedly! fuck!

just saw a deactivated mutual's post on my dash. that's my dead wife's corpse you're all dragging around

I also reblog this guys dead wife.

okay. fine. i have a solution that will make no one happy. let's make pluto a planet. if we launch one tungsten cube per day for 200 years precisely aimed at pluto's surface it will become massive enough to gravitationally clear its orbit of other kuiper belt objects. this will be completely useless and extremely expensive as well as potentially dangerous. and it will destroy the heart

saw someone say that they don't read fics under 10k and had to laugh because more fool you, that is where all the bangers are. obviously I'm biased but truly nothing hits like a 1.5k fic with a lowercase title from some obscure poet where nothing actually happens and yet you emerge blinking with a completely new outlook on the character. infinitely rereadable. like a perfectly crafted pastry. I'm gobbling them up!

ingrown hairs are cowards. why are you hiding

Yeah but if I was an unwanted piece of hair I might crawl back to where I came from for support too

dont do this me. dont make me feel bad for ingrown hairs. i have enough problems

Well if they know they're unwanted how about stop growing? Honestly I would just give up if I were them.

Never give up just because someone makes you feel unwanted

stop philosophizing my ingrown hairs

tumblr is a site that makes you shit like stop philosophizing my ingrown hairs

do me a favor and plz reblog with your five most recently used non-face, non-hand, non-heart emojis

why are dudes in fanfic always getting hit with freight train orgasms. why not an orient express orgasm, classy and romantic. where are the shinkansen train orgasms? his orgasm hit him like the TGV atlantique breaking the passenger rail speed record. like the shanghai maglev, his orgasm was a feat of engineering but something of a commercial disappointment.