Fuck It Puppygirl Life's A Risk

Cicada of the Flames Large Ceramic Wall Sculpture

a funny kid

I think there are a couple of questions nested within one another here.

The first is how you can handle the cultural moment we are in, which is deeply triggering to anybody with an eating disorder, dysmorphia, or dysphoria related to their own body, and which has really bled into how a lot of people speak about themselves and their choices around health and eating.

This issue is the most practical one to address. I think you can and probably should separate your own body politics and ideals from what you expect of the people around you. You simply cannot get everyone else to be on the same page as you, and for many people, eventually moving into a more body liberatory or fat liberatory perspective is a long process of unlearning that involves many attempts & failures at modifying their own body to meet a thin cultural ideal. In the meantime, they might say and do a lot of self-hating stuff that is also really triggering and fatphobic, and it can be really emotionally hard to deal with, but ultimately telling the person that you completely disagree with every aspect of how they think and are living their lives is gonna be alienating and put them on the defensive.

It sounds like you already understand that you can't change your friend's opinions and habits if they aren't already looking to change, and that you have a lot of compassion for where they are. I think that's great. That will allow you to take some needed psychological distance when they are going on and on about how desperately they'd like to be thinner and going on crash dynamics or taking GLP1s. But you are also allowed to set some of your own boundaries.

You might want, for example, to tell your friends that you don't want to hear talk about weight loss when you are hanging out together. Don't shame them, just tell them that you personally find it upsetting and unhelpful to your own healing and that it doesn't line up with what you believe in. If you're hanging out in a crowd of these friends and they start getting into upsetting body talk, ask them to stop, and if they continue, see yourself out. It doesn't need to be combative, but it can still be firm.

If they get defensive and tell you that they need to be thinking this way because they are facing transmisogyny and passing under certain really narrow body standards is important to them, you can simply validate that they have a lot of reasons to be feeling the way that they do, that you would never dream of telling them what they need to do with their own body, but that talk of intentional weight loss and thin beauty ideals are just not good for you and not something you want to be a part of.

If you hear your friends being judgemental toward others' bodies, tell them that it's unhelpful and hurtful and that you don't think that it's right. This is the area where you can be a little bit more forceful. Don't scold, but do not tolerate cruelty. If you hear these friends expressing disgust about body fat or toward trans people who they feel have fat in any of the "wrong" places, be emphatic about finding those people good, attractive, worthy, deserving of respect, whatever feels true for you.

As long as you can emotionally regulate your own responses to this stuff when it happens, it should actually be pretty easy to keep their feelings and your own separate. You can also set boundaries by muting their social media accounts so you don't have to see stuff that rankles you.

Additionally, you will want to take care of your own wellbeing by consuming a lot of fat positive and liberationist writing, social media accounts, videos, etc, and making sure that you cultivate friendships with people who do not think this way. It will be a lot easier to tolerate the ignorance and internalized stuff of some of your friends if you have others you can vent to and lean on for support.

Your second question is really about how to politically resist these kinds of fatphobic social forces while still holding your friends and your community kindly. I think the way that you do that is by continuing to talk about how distressed you are by these things. Post about it, speak about it, attend fat liberatory events, glorify fatness, challenge people when you see them discriminating against plus-sized people, point it out when you notice that a space is exclusionary because it lacks large enough clothing sizes, or chairs without arm rests, or has tables that are bolted to the floor.

Keep being vulnerable about how terribly the culture's fatphobia hurt you, even if some of your friends do not fully get it yet, or do not seem to see how their own actions come across in light of that knowledge. You might be making more of an impact than you know. Change is slow, and people often find it very difficult to face that their actions are hurting others. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on your own feelings and triggers, so you have the ability to be a positive, emotionally brave influence here. Just make sure you also have people to speak to who do respect where you have been, body-image-wise. You might want to seek out therapeutic support or support groups, find fat positive trans groups online, or just put out feelers among your larger social network to see if anybody is in eating disorder recovery or has moved through similar triggers and might be down to be a sounding board from time to time.

Share the science on body size not being easily changeable, learn about the dangerous effects of GLP1s for weight loss and talk about it, point out systematic fatphobia, share lots of photos of hot fat trans people, celebrate fatness on yourself and your friends who are more self-accepting, and when your friends are ignorant on the subject, try to be understanding about their own hang-ups and fears, but firm when they are being cruel to others. I know that we are in a very bleak-feeling cultural moment right now, but it will not help you to make every tiny interaction or upsetting moment into something larger and more symbolic than it is.

“Erotica” may not be the first word to come to mind when you think about ancient Egypt. In fact, maybe you haven’t even spared ancient Egyptian erotica a thought – didn’t realise that the culture that left us the Pyramids and the Valley of Kings was quite that naughty (or maybe you have, because dick jokes have been the constant of human existence). But then a few Egyptologists online mention Egyptian erotica off-hand and now you’re left wondering how dirty they actually were.

What exactly was the extent of erotica in ancient Egypt? I’m using “erotica” in the widest sense of the word here, i.e. textual or visual depictions of love, lust and/or sex. Generally the term is defined as art with the purpose of eliciting feelings of arousal, but because it’s not always evident what the exact objective of a certain depiction or text was, I think it best to keep the definition broad.

The Turin Erotic Papyrus

The most famous example of ancient Egyptian erotica, Papyrus Turin 55001, colloquially known as the Turin Erotic Papyrus, illustrates this well. This papyrus was found in Deir el-Medina and dates to the Ramesside Period. It contains twelve depictions of a man and women in different sexual positions. While the girls are young and pretty, the man himself is bald and flabby – not exactly the epitome of ancient Egyptian physical beauty standards.

The man’s appearance isn’t the only thing that makes it questionable whether the Turin Erotic Papyrus is deserving of its nickname “the world’s first [known] men’s mag”. Apart from the sexual depictions, the papyrus also contains images of animals performing human tasks. This section is believed to be either humorous or satirical in nature, which casts doubt on whether the erotic section was supposed to arouse the reader/viewer.

The ancient Egyptian art depicted the ideal version of reality in “good” images. If the Turin Erotic Papyrus was intended to engender sexual arousal, or make it possible for the reader to identify themselves with the male main character, we can assume that he would at least have had hair. On the other hand, the women are drawn very appealingly, and sometimes engage in sexual activities on their own.

Unfortunately the papyrus is heavily damaged and the surviving text in the margins isn’t clear on its intent, either. By and large the text is complementary dialogue, with lines such as “Oh! Sun, you have found out my heart, it is agreeable work”. This means the actual purpose of the Turin Papyrus is uncertain, with some experts suggesting it was satirical, meant as a humorous depiction of uncouth and absurd behaviour at which the elite could laugh. But again, when you draw pretty young ladies with that kind of effort… well.

Love songs

The New Kingdom also left us many love poems or love songs. The Cairo Love Songs were found written down on a large potshard in Deir el-Medina, and Papyrus Harris 500, a Ramesside papyrus, contains a collection of love poetry in addition to the literary tales on it. Papyrus Turin 1996, and Papyrus Chester Beatty 1 also contain examples of the genre.

These love songs range from romantic, talking about how much two young people love each other, to downright lusty, with descriptions of the beauty of the beloved and/or talking about sex, sometimes in no uncertain terms.

However, keep in mind that the metaphors the ancient Egyptians used are separated from our modern society by various orders of magnitude. It’s altogether possible that some of the things we now read into these translations aren’t exactly what the original text was meant to say.

With that disclaimer out of the way, here are a few of my favourites (all translations by W. K. Simpson in Literature of Ancient Egypt: An Anthology of Stories, Instructions, Stelae, Autobiographies, and Poetry):

Papyrus Harris 500, song 1

If I am not beside you, where will you set your desire? If [you] do not embrace [me and seize] the moment, [Whom will you] approach (for) pleasure? But if you woo me to touch my breasts and my thighs, […]

Would you depart because you have the urge to eat? Are you a man who is devoted to his stomach? Would [you depart] in your fine clothing, While I am left with nothing but the bed sheets? 

Would you leave me for the sake of drink2 […]? Then take my breast, for its milk wells up for you. More wondrous is a single day in your embrace […] Than a hundred thousand upon earth. 

Papyrus Harris 500, song 4

My desire is not yet quenched by your love, My wanton little jackal cub. My lust for you I cannot forgo, Though I be beaten and driven off To dwell in the Delta marshes, (Driven) to the land of Khor with sticks and clubs, To the land of Kush with switches of palm, To the high ground with rods, Or to the low ground with branches. I will pay no heed to their warnings To abandon the one whom I desire. 

Papyrus Harris 500, song 12

I shall go out [to seek my lover]. [I yearn] for your love, And my heart stops within me. 

To look at a sweet cake Is like looking at salt; Sweet pomegranate wine in my mouth Is like the bitter gall of birds. 

The breath of your nostrils Is the sole thing which can revive my heart, And I am determined that Amun will grant you to me For ever and eternity

Papyrus Harris 500, song 24

What is the completion of preparing to make love? Let Menqet be adorned there […] […] her bed chamber. Come, and I shall tell you. Put fine linen on her body While laying her bed with royal linen. Be meticulous about white linen, Adorn […] her body, Found like one sprinkled with perfume. 

Papyrus Harris 500, song 25

Would that I were her Nubian maidservant Who attends to her personal needs; […] This would mean that the skin of her whole body Would be exposed to me. 

Papyrus Chester Beatty I, song 41

Now you shall bring it to the house of (your) beloved And go as far as her portal. Her chamber will be open (for you), And her housemaid will have prepared it. 

Provide her with songs and dances, Wine and strong beer in her pavilion. You will arouse her passions And fulfill them during this night. 

She will say to you, ‘‘Take me into your embrace.’’ And when the dawn comes, She will still be there.

Papyrus Chester Beatty I, song 42

Now you shall bring it to the chamber of (your) beloved, Alone, no other (with you), And you will accomplish your desire in her [embrace] 

The curtains will flutter, And the sky will descend in a gale of wind. (Hathor) will bring you her fragrance, And its perfume will overwhelm and intoxicate All those who are present.

It is the Golden Goddess Who destines her for you as a boon To let you fulfill the span of your life. 

Some of the returning motifs in these songs are drinking of pomegranate wine or the shadow of a pomegranate tree as the location for a rendezvous; the idea that the embrace of a beloved dispels all ills in a lover; parents who don’t know how much their son/daughter yearns for their beloved; and Hathor as provider of lovers and love.

In ancient Egypt, premarital sex wasn’t much of a social issue. If there was consent between both parties, sex was fine (adultery was another matter, of course). This is the general attitude we get from these love songs: sex and love and desire are predominantly good (unless the lover suffers from being away from their beloved for too long), as long as they are enjoyed by both parties and adhere to Egyptian social mores.

Sources and further reading

W. K. Simpson - Literature of Ancient Egypt: An Anthology of Stories, Instructions, Stelae, Autobiographies, and Poetry

B. Mathieu - La Poésie Amoureuse de l’Égypte Ancienne: Recherches sur un genre littéraire au Nouvel Empire 

G. Robins - Women in Ancient Egypt

A. G. McDowell - Village Life in Ancient Egypt: Laundry Lists and Love Songs

C. Graves-Brown (ed) - Sex and Gender in Ancient Egypt: Don Your Wig for a Joyful Hour

Was I weird?

Are you sure?

What was the weirdest thing I did? Be as detailed as possible.

How could I be less weird in the future? Be as detailed as possible.

Do you have any complaints or feedback regarding my behavior? Be as detailed as possible.

Would you be open to hanging out again in the future?

Should I give you some space after this? If yes, for how long should I avoid you?

Was I weird?

Are you absolutely sure?