SpottedGoldfish

reblog to bonk the person you reblogged it from on the head

I want to be a white dad in a horror movie

Currently moving my brunette wife and our dejected children into an abandoned ghost factory for a fresh start

Honey, don't worry about our daughter's new habit of standing in front of the security camera in her playroom and murmuring about bones every night. That's probably just something women do

Why shouldn't our son play in the pitch black sub-basement that was walled shut with bricks until I started renovations? He's a growing boy

full offense but none of you would have ever survived fanfiction.net in 2009

remember when writers had to be all like: “omg omg lemon starts HERE” y’all are lucky that ao3 has tags and filters you can set

god those were lawless times. 

@sometimesia2

god DAM babey u done stop me in m TRACKS i can smell ur dam FEET from HHHHHHH EEEEEEHEEEHOOHOOO i can smell ur dam FEET from HERE well look me n the patnurs goin down to the levi tpack some LIPS maybe go mudridin how bouchune y HHHHHHHHHHHH fat ass friend hop ina HHHHHHHHHHHHH 😂😂 hop inthe backs HH HHH HHH HEEEEEEE

Australia is going to execute a pigeon

i love this so much

People often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven… what did all of those squirrels do to deserve an afterlife of torment?

Dog heaven is also squirrel hell it’s a very efficient system.

i can’t stop fucking laughing at the thought of squirrels sinning so much in the mortal plane that they have to be sent to squirrel hell to atone

They know that the bird feeder isn’t meant for them

This is obviously about Phasmophobia but I actually prefer it with no context