the aim of waking is to dream

my ability to be both a sweetie pie and a sick pervert will lead me to great things

i miss my beautiful wife joann fabrics it feels as if eons have passed since i last saw her. this guy michael keeps waving her visage in front of me and saying she’s living in his house but he is lying to me. i know this because i went into his house and found only fragments and memories of my beautiful wife joann and pictures of her shadowed face labeled “online only”. michael won’t even let me order swatches from him

Nobody save him

the dance dance rebellion has failed to become a dance dance revolution and the dance dance repressive regime has kidnapped your fellow dance dance radicals in the middle of the night and taken them to a dance dance re-education camp. they're gonna get dance dance relentlessly tortured

Bro I just nearly fucking died

My throats fucked but I like inhaled toothpaste and my throat seized up and I couldn’t breathe worst part is I spat toothpaste everywhere trying to get it out of my mouth and my throat is like fuzzy now?? Water did not help honey tea might

Absolutely flawless how did you get these photos?

I can never leave here

Y'know, that sound from the other room sounded remarkably similar to a one kg bag of cat treats falling off the counter and opening up on the floor

the criminal is getting notes again.....

Your friend’s unpublished fic idea is kind of a dead wife

Do people know this is the husband of the prime minister of New Zealand

And who is the guy burying him in the sand

Oh easy mistake. Yearning actually rises from the floor and longing hangs from the ceiling

buzz aldrin and neil armstrong liked to do a thing where they’d tell unfunny jokes at parties about being on the moon and when people were confused they’d go “guess you had to have been there”