my friend who is training to be a 911 operator just told me that they are having to restrain themself whenever responding to training calls from saying “that’s illegal people can’t do that” and I find that so fucking funny

We are receiving unconfirmed reports that it is bedtime. Citizens are advised to get into their pajamas and remain on high alert

Sorry we're cancelling your flight because the plane is not feeling well

my friend who is training to be a 911 operator just told me that they are having to restrain themself whenever responding to training calls from saying “that’s illegal people can’t do that” and I find that so fucking funny

i am a lover. but underneath that i'm a hater. and then underneath that i'm a lover again

What if there was a immature young man who worked as a cook in a fast food restaurant and could not get a driver’s license despite his best efforts? Now imagine he is a sponge.

Doctor said I only have to do four hours of therapy a week instead of seven. I am the pina colada of mental health.

I meant to say “pinnacle”, not “pina colada”. The telephone is a cruel mistress. I am so healthy, still.

I truly hate the word "unalive." There are so many other euphemisms that fictional Italian mobsters worked so hard to provide you with and you just ignore them.

chasing that rat poison high....

“I guess I would scream too if I knew a God could hear me” is too much of a raw line to come from a tik tok about a cat

the best part is the line is “i guess i would scream too-ie”

im bored who wants to play chess with me

doctors be like "we have no idea what causes this extremely mysterious illness" and the illness affects 1 in 8 women