walk like thunder

I don't know if this is asked in earnest or just a thought but since I'm waiting for my therapy session, here it goes

The method I worked out for myself is to pretend that there's this personal assistant (Barbara) to my brain. The thoughts and emotions are clients who either come to pitch an idea or to demand attention from the boss.

Most are important and relevant thoughts; but sometimes they come at the wrong time (if I wake up at night worrying about a task I just imagine Barbara in her pyjamas groggily telling the thoughts to come during office hours).

And some clients (mean thoughts, false beliefs, anxiety jabs) I just imagine as panicked or rude customers that need to be treated as such. You are not getting audience with the boss until you can state your purpose calmly and clearly. If you insist on being rude, I'll throw you out.

After ANY thrilling and/or happy experience, it's very possible for your brain to quite literally run out of the proteins and vitamins you need to make more happy chemical. People get dopamine crashes anywhere from a couple hours to a couple weeks after abormal but exciting events - whether it's a really good day, they did a lot of socializing, had a lot of fun hyperfocusing on a project, had an intense sexy time experience, a huge performance they were excited for, a date, a day at a theme part, etc etc etc.

Your brain goes into overdrive coming up with !!!!!!!! chemicals to keep up with your environment, then -especially if that was an abnormal experience or if you don't have the !!!!!! chemicals in excess very often- then you just run out for a while.

You can remedy this by finding other things that will be good, but not expect the !!!!! along with it. Instead of something you really really like doing, find something simple and calm and comforting. Snuggle with a friend and watch a movie, pet a cat, write a letter, etc.

Definitely get some vitamin d, chocolate if you can / like it, and take a multivitamin. Protein is important for regrowth and restocking, so get plenty of that too to bounce back quickly!

LIKE….

THATS WHY AFTER THE EXCITEMENT WEARS OFF FROM ME DOING LITERALLY ANYTHING THAT MAGKES ME “!!!!” I JUST FEEL BLEH AND IMMEDIATELY CRAVE *THING* AGAIN

SO IM NOT JUST BROKEN

ME AFTER MY FRICKING GAY BOOKCLUB WHERE I SEE ALL MY FRIENDS ONCE A MONTH

OR AFTER WATCHING AN EPISODE OF THE SHOW IM HYPERFIXATED ON

Here is the fudgiest brownie in a mug recipe I’ve found

Here are some fun sites

Here is a master post of Adventure Time episodes and comics

Here is a master post of movies including Disney and Studio Ghibli

Here is a master post of other master posts to TV shows and movies

*tucks you in with fuzzy blanket* *pats your head*

Here’s an emergency compliment

Here you can play 2048

Here’s a playlist of Bob ross

Here’s a website to watch movie’s and shows for free

Here’s a website to watch documentaries for free

Here you can to nothing for two minutes

Here you can break something. It’s good for anger

Here’s a button to press to make everything okay

Here’s a site to cut something up (TRIGGER WARNING)

Here’s a site that makes you a website depending on a song you choose

Here’s a gay comic. It’s adorable

Here you can spend Bill Gate’s money

Here you can draw your own island

Here you can learn about patterns website’s use

Here you can get your life stats

Here you can listen to the Tucker Zone (Headphones needed)

Here you can see how fast you’re moving

Here you can see the progress of time

Here’s the butterfly project

Here’s a snickerdoodle mug cake

Here’s a link to some free audiobooks

Here’s something to read when you feel like a burden

Here’s a secret

Here’s my playlist of some sea shanties 

Here’s another secret

Here’s a link to some cool websites 

Here’s a blog that gives you recipes for when you’re low on spoons

Here’s 100,000 stars

Here you can control the weather (TW FLASHING IMAGES)

Here you can weave silk

Here you can make a castle of your own

Here you can make a kaleidoscope drawing

Here you can explore recursion

Here you can draw with pasta

Here you can draw logo’s from memory

Here you can play this is sand, here you draw cool sand designs

Here you can play The Organ Trail

Here’s a customizable white noise website

Here you can simulate gravity

Here you can create your own guardian of the galaxy

Here you can make your own galaxy

i want things to change

i want a different life

today was a shitty day/week

i don’t want to live like this

i want to be somewhere else in life

i’m not where i want to be yet

Wack

Unfortunate (can be shortened to unforch)

Sub-par execution

I would prefer the opposite of this, actually

Not a fan of this approach

I had to get creative.

Now we do shit like:

5 things you can see that you could easily steal without being noticed

4 things you think might be sticky if you licked them

3 things that you could fit in your mouth at once

2 inanimate objects that in another dimension, might fall in love

1 thing you can see that isn't made of cheese, but would be better if was

If you can’t say “I’m beautiful,” begin by shutting down the “I’m ugly” thoughts and saying “I’m a person.”

If you can’t say “I’m valuable” begun by shutting down the “I’m worthless” thoughts and say “all people deserve basic respect, and I’m a person.”

it took many years of messaging to fill us with shame about ourselves and our bodies, and to indoctrinate us to blame ourselves for failing to meet oppressive standards which we were never given the choice to assent to or reject. it will also take years, and a different kind of messaging, to undo that damage. 

So I wasn’t really taught to brush my teeth every day as a kid. So I didn’t. I got to be an adult and realized “hmm teeth are expensive I need to start brushing them” and brushing my teeth twice a day has been on my actual to do list every single day of my college career. It’s a habit I needed to build.

Have I successfully done it? Absolutely not. I’m pretty good about doing it at least once a day, but some days it just doesn’t happen. It’s not that I forget usually, I just had some aversion I couldn’t figure out, until last week.

I’m at the grocery store, in the toothpaste aisle with my roommate, and I complain about how much I hate mint. I FUCKING HATE THE TASTE OF MINT. The taste and the smell, any kind of minty thing in any form, I HATE IT. But literally every “adult” toothpaste in the aisle was some type of minty disgusting nonsense. And my roommate was like “you know you could like get kids’ toothpaste? You like bubblegum right?”

And y’all, it was like the clouds parted. I got some strawberry bubblegum kids’ toothpaste. I brushed my teeth with it and it was a whole new experience. I have successfully brushed twice a day every day since, because the mental block I had towards it is gone! 

I thought my lack of brushing was just a moral failing on my part; I was too lazy, too undisciplined, to build a good habit. But really? I just hate the taste of mint so much I didn’t want to brush my teeth.

This made me realize that when presented with a change you want to make, a habit you want to build, if you’re encountering resistance in yourself, you should lean into that resistance and really investigate what’s causing it, then work on accommodating that. 

Say you hate washing dishes so they pile up and then you’re overwhelmed by how many you have to do. Why do you hate it? Deep down, what about it do you dislike? Is touching wet food super gross for you? Try thick rubber gloves while you’re washing. Does the sound of dishing clanking together grate your nerves? Do them with headphones in and turned up loud. Do you hate the smell? Light some candles, spray some air freshener. 

Do these things instead of gritting your teeth and forcing yourself, then ultimately failing and getting discouraged by your “lack of self-discipline”

i don't know who needs to hear it, but it's okay to self diagnose and end up being wrong. you can self diagnose based on decent research and later discover an option you'd never considered. you can self diagnose and after finding a mental health practitioner you trust, that listens to your concerns and ideas, realize that you have another condition or disorder. you aren't bad evil, or anything else for being wrong; you don't have to be ashamed of realizing you were wrong, even if you built a personality or following around it. people who are mentally healthy/neurotypical don't fake disorders for clout, because they're capable of interacting socially to gain that clout in "normal" ways. even if you were confusing your symptoms and twisting them into something else, which only you could possibly know, mentally healthy people don't fake disorders. if someone is faking symptoms or disorders, there is still something wrong.

Things I've concluded, based on reading real thoughts and opinions of actually NPD people:

- There are different forms of NPD aside from the standard stereotype of "asshole, full of themself, who behaves like they are above everyone else"

- Even if someone does fit that description, it does not mean that they will inherently abuse/manipulate people

- No one is forcing you to be friends with someone like that, and if you don't get along with each other, it doesn't mean that either of you is evil, it just means that they might make better friends elsewhere with folks who don't see anything wrong with their personality

- Some people who are abusive MIGHT also happen to have NPD, and if you have experienced abuse at the hands of someone with NPD, your experiences are valid and it might not be possible to completely separate that person's justification of their abuse from their personality disorder, HOWEVER, just because it happened with 1 person that does not mean every NPD person is just destined to be evil

- A lot of people with NPD may not be aware of how their actions are affecting others and may not be able to see for themselves why people have adverse reactions to their behaviors. It's more helpful to recognize this and inform them, rather than to conclude that they are selfish and hurt people on purpose and cut them out of your life.

- Most people with NPD want to do better and don't want to hurt people but it takes compromise from both sides to figure out how to reach mutual understandings. Sometimes that means accepting parts of their personalities that you usually consider "bad" and working WITH them instead of against them.

- Just like with any other disorder, many people with NPD also wish that their brain did not do things that it does, but that is outside of their control. Offer patience instead of frustration, because however frustrated you are with them, they are probably 10 times as frustrated because they can't just walk away from themselves.

- Being "good" is not an inherent trait, it is a choice that we all make every day in every action. It is possible for someone to want with all of their might to control the people around them and to feel entitlement to something, and yet still choose not to act on those impulses because they understand the effect it has on others. It does not make someone "secretly evil" or "fake" because they are choosing kindness when they wish they didn't have to. In the end, they still chose kindness and that is commendable.

- Even if someone is not choosing kindness every day in every situation, it doesn't mean they deserve to be demonized. Working against your own instincts isn't easy and we should all be allowed a little self indulgence every once in a while.

- Again, if your own personality/trauma makes it difficult for you to interact with someone who you think is rude/selfish/whatever, you dont HAVE to force yourself to be around them just because you dont want to be ableist. It still doesn't make them a "bad person", it just means that you are incompatible, and that you may not be able to be friends with them if it's going negatively impact your own mental health, but recognize that your own baggage plays a role in that and it is not solely on the other person. Not every person you don't get along with is an "abuser".

- Above all else, regardless of how someone's NPD manifests in their personality, it is important to remember that it is a neurodivergence, and that it very often stems from trauma/abuse, and it is just as ableist to label all people with NPD as monstrous as it would be to label all people with ADHD as lazy.

In conclusion, I have a new respect and appreciation for people who struggle socially due to their NPD or other similar/related disorders.

Shout out to everyone who directed me to resources on this topic and if you have NPD, I hope you have a good day today and if you are choosing kindness I am proud of you!

Also, if anything that I said here seems presumptuous or condescending or if my interpretations are off base, I appreciate feedback because that is the whole point of this post - that I am trying to learn and understand and UNlearn preconceived notions. ♡

EDIT:

I know this post is already super long, but I want to come back to it because after re-reading everything I feel like I still focused too much on the idea people with NPD express “bad” traits that other people just have to live with, which is the primary thing that most people with NPD hate to see.

I want to revisit my first bullet point of “not everyone with NPD is full of themselves”, but I also want to state my focus on those who do negatively impact others was also kind of The Point. There is a lot of NPD positivity that centers around the idea of “We aren’t all manipulators, we’re not all just selfish assholes!” And that is very true, but what about the ones who are? What about the people who DO have thoughts of using people for their own gain? Is it necessary to throw them under the bus in an effort to destigmatize the disorder?

Anyway, so yeah part 1 was for those guys, and here’s part 2 where I expand on my first thought.

- For many people, NPD does not result in a conceited, outwardly arrogant individual, it manifests as people-pleasing and attention seeking (in many different forms)

- A large percentage of people with NPD, even those are ARE arrogant, do not actually think highly of themselves at all, and are deeply insecure. This is usually due to some abuse/neglect, as I mentioned earlier.

- This results in those individuals going out of their way to do things for people or give people things or try to impress people, in an effort to receive validation and feel better about themselves.

- For many of them, no amount of validation is ever truly enough because their self image is so shattered, and they are seeking an external solution to an internal problem.

- Additionally, for some, if the acceptance/praise/validation isn’t coming from the “right person” then it doesn’t even count. If all of their friends are telling them how great they are but their partner/love-interest isn’t giving them the attention that they desire, then everyone else’s efforts are meaningless.

- Sometimes people with this personality are very easy to get along with and very easy to accept in the beginning. They go out of their way to be nice, to be funny, to be likeable, they don’t raise any red flags with anyone because they’re actually pretty nice people. The tension starts to arise after a length of time, when they unintentionally make people feel like they only want to be friends so they can feel good about themselves and not because they actually like someone for who they are.

- It can be extremely hard for someone to understand how anyone could possibly view them as self-centered when 1. They hate themselves so deeply, 2. They spend so much of their time trying to get others to like them, which to them feels like they are putting others needs before their own, and 3. They have no intention whatsoever of trying to manipulate other people and they very thought of it makes them feel horrid.

- Meanwhile, on the other end of the relationship, their friends and loved ones are experience repeated feelings of their boundaries being crossed, feeling disrespected and like none of their opinions/advice matter to that person, feeling like the person with NPD always takes a victim position in any disagreement and like the other person’s feelings are not as important as their own, etc. etc. And due to their already low self esteem, it can be difficult to establish boundaries with some people because they might interpret it as a personal attack against them, rather than seeing it from the other person’s perspective.

- It is important to recognize that this is a person with deep rooted traumas, and that it is going to affect their behavior in ways that might be difficult to understand or that might end up having an unintentional negative effect on those around them. It is not the same thing as manipulation, although it may feel almost indistinguishable. They are not doing it on purpose, and their ultimate goal is just to love and be loved.

- This form of NPD is very counterintuitive to the highly stigmatize form that most people think of (cold, uncaring, grandiose sense of self, etc.), and it can lead people to being unfairly characterized once others start to notice that their behavior can be very self-centered. ESPECIALLY if they have an NPD diagnosis and it is known, because people will want to assume that their behavior must mean that they don’t actually care about anyone but themselves, when that is not actually the case.

- Again, this is where compromise comes in. If someone thrives on receiving praise, you aren’t going to do them any favors by denying them praise purely out of spite, just because you think they are Selfish and Selfish = Bad. Denying someone your approval does not actually teach them the lesson that you think it does, instead it just confuses them and deepens their insecurity. If you feel so strongly about the fact that this person is using you to feel better about themselves, the best thing that you can do is just talk to them. If you feel pressured to give them your attention 100% of the time regardless of whether you have the time/energy for it, then that’s a boundary that needs to be discussed together.

- If this does sound like you and you do have NPD, it is important to remember that someone setting a boundary with you does not mean you are doing anything wrong. Rejection sensitivity can come into play here, and it can be difficult to not view someone saying “I need space” as the equivalent of “I need to get away from YOU specifically”, but the two are not the same. It almost always has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with the other person’s own personal needs.

- I can’t really think of much else to say aside from just… don’t assume that just because someone as an NPD diagnosis that they believe they’re better than everyone else, or that they are going to try to use you, or that they purposefully make everything about themselves. They are recovering from trauma and it does more good to be patient with them on their journey than to worsen things by faulting them for every mistake they make.