Spending lots of time learning about NPD and wanting to have a better more complete understanding of what it means and how it affects people and how my own biases inform how I perceive the opinions of people who have it.
Things I've concluded, based on reading real thoughts and opinions of actually NPD people:
- There are different forms of NPD aside from the standard stereotype of "asshole, full of themself, who behaves like they are above everyone else"
- Even if someone does fit that description, it does not mean that they will inherently abuse/manipulate people
- No one is forcing you to be friends with someone like that, and if you don't get along with each other, it doesn't mean that either of you is evil, it just means that they might make better friends elsewhere with folks who don't see anything wrong with their personality
- Some people who are abusive MIGHT also happen to have NPD, and if you have experienced abuse at the hands of someone with NPD, your experiences are valid and it might not be possible to completely separate that person's justification of their abuse from their personality disorder, HOWEVER, just because it happened with 1 person that does not mean every NPD person is just destined to be evil
- A lot of people with NPD may not be aware of how their actions are affecting others and may not be able to see for themselves why people have adverse reactions to their behaviors. It's more helpful to recognize this and inform them, rather than to conclude that they are selfish and hurt people on purpose and cut them out of your life.
- Most people with NPD want to do better and don't want to hurt people but it takes compromise from both sides to figure out how to reach mutual understandings. Sometimes that means accepting parts of their personalities that you usually consider "bad" and working WITH them instead of against them.
- Just like with any other disorder, many people with NPD also wish that their brain did not do things that it does, but that is outside of their control. Offer patience instead of frustration, because however frustrated you are with them, they are probably 10 times as frustrated because they can't just walk away from themselves.
- Being "good" is not an inherent trait, it is a choice that we all make every day in every action. It is possible for someone to want with all of their might to control the people around them and to feel entitlement to something, and yet still choose not to act on those impulses because they understand the effect it has on others. It does not make someone "secretly evil" or "fake" because they are choosing kindness when they wish they didn't have to. In the end, they still chose kindness and that is commendable.
- Even if someone is not choosing kindness every day in every situation, it doesn't mean they deserve to be demonized. Working against your own instincts isn't easy and we should all be allowed a little self indulgence every once in a while.
- Again, if your own personality/trauma makes it difficult for you to interact with someone who you think is rude/selfish/whatever, you dont HAVE to force yourself to be around them just because you dont want to be ableist. It still doesn't make them a "bad person", it just means that you are incompatible, and that you may not be able to be friends with them if it's going negatively impact your own mental health, but recognize that your own baggage plays a role in that and it is not solely on the other person. Not every person you don't get along with is an "abuser".
- Above all else, regardless of how someone's NPD manifests in their personality, it is important to remember that it is a neurodivergence, and that it very often stems from trauma/abuse, and it is just as ableist to label all people with NPD as monstrous as it would be to label all people with ADHD as lazy.
In conclusion, I have a new respect and appreciation for people who struggle socially due to their NPD or other similar/related disorders.
Shout out to everyone who directed me to resources on this topic and if you have NPD, I hope you have a good day today and if you are choosing kindness I am proud of you!
Also, if anything that I said here seems presumptuous or condescending or if my interpretations are off base, I appreciate feedback because that is the whole point of this post - that I am trying to learn and understand and UNlearn preconceived notions. âĄ
I know this post is already super long, but I want to come back to it because after re-reading everything I feel like I still focused too much on the idea people with NPD express âbadâ traits that other people just have to live with, which is the primary thing that most people with NPD hate to see.
I want to revisit my first bullet point of ânot everyone with NPD is full of themselvesâ, but I also want to state my focus on those who do negatively impact others was also kind of The Point. There is a lot of NPD positivity that centers around the idea of âWe arenât all manipulators, weâre not all just selfish assholes!â And that is very true, but what about the ones who are? What about the people who DO have thoughts of using people for their own gain? Is it necessary to throw them under the bus in an effort to destigmatize the disorder?
Anyway, so yeah part 1 was for those guys, and hereâs part 2 where I expand on my first thought.
- For many people, NPD does not result in a conceited, outwardly arrogant individual, it manifests as people-pleasing and attention seeking (in many different forms)
- A large percentage of people with NPD, even those are ARE arrogant, do not actually think highly of themselves at all, and are deeply insecure. This is usually due to some abuse/neglect, as I mentioned earlier.
- This results in those individuals going out of their way to do things for people or give people things or try to impress people, in an effort to receive validation and feel better about themselves.
- For many of them, no amount of validation is ever truly enough because their self image is so shattered, and they are seeking an external solution to an internal problem.
- Additionally, for some, if the acceptance/praise/validation isnât coming from the âright personâ then it doesnât even count. If all of their friends are telling them how great they are but their partner/love-interest isnât giving them the attention that they desire, then everyone elseâs efforts are meaningless.
- Sometimes people with this personality are very easy to get along with and very easy to accept in the beginning. They go out of their way to be nice, to be funny, to be likeable, they donât raise any red flags with anyone because theyâre actually pretty nice people. The tension starts to arise after a length of time, when they unintentionally make people feel like they only want to be friends so they can feel good about themselves and not because they actually like someone for who they are.
- It can be extremely hard for someone to understand how anyone could possibly view them as self-centered when 1. They hate themselves so deeply, 2. They spend so much of their time trying to get others to like them, which to them feels like they are putting others needs before their own, and 3. They have no intention whatsoever of trying to manipulate other people and they very thought of it makes them feel horrid.
- Meanwhile, on the other end of the relationship, their friends and loved ones are experience repeated feelings of their boundaries being crossed, feeling disrespected and like none of their opinions/advice matter to that person, feeling like the person with NPD always takes a victim position in any disagreement and like the other personâs feelings are not as important as their own, etc. etc. And due to their already low self esteem, it can be difficult to establish boundaries with some people because they might interpret it as a personal attack against them, rather than seeing it from the other personâs perspective.
- It is important to recognize that this is a person with deep rooted traumas, and that it is going to affect their behavior in ways that might be difficult to understand or that might end up having an unintentional negative effect on those around them. It is not the same thing as manipulation, although it may feel almost indistinguishable. They are not doing it on purpose, and their ultimate goal is just to love and be loved.
- This form of NPD is very counterintuitive to the highly stigmatize form that most people think of (cold, uncaring, grandiose sense of self, etc.), and it can lead people to being unfairly characterized once others start to notice that their behavior can be very self-centered. ESPECIALLY if they have an NPD diagnosis and it is known, because people will want to assume that their behavior must mean that they donât actually care about anyone but themselves, when that is not actually the case.
- Again, this is where compromise comes in. If someone thrives on receiving praise, you arenât going to do them any favors by denying them praise purely out of spite, just because you think they are Selfish and Selfish = Bad. Denying someone your approval does not actually teach them the lesson that you think it does, instead it just confuses them and deepens their insecurity. If you feel so strongly about the fact that this person is using you to feel better about themselves, the best thing that you can do is just talk to them. If you feel pressured to give them your attention 100% of the time regardless of whether you have the time/energy for it, then thatâs a boundary that needs to be discussed together.
- If this does sound like you and you do have NPD, it is important to remember that someone setting a boundary with you does not mean you are doing anything wrong. Rejection sensitivity can come into play here, and it can be difficult to not view someone saying âI need spaceâ as the equivalent of âI need to get away from YOU specificallyâ, but the two are not the same. It almost always has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with the other personâs own personal needs.
- I canât really think of much else to say aside from just⌠donât assume that just because someone as an NPD diagnosis that they believe theyâre better than everyone else, or that they are going to try to use you, or that they purposefully make everything about themselves. They are recovering from trauma and it does more good to be patient with them on their journey than to worsen things by faulting them for every mistake they make.
I hope this addition is good and helpful and once again, you are not evil for having NPD and there are plenty of people in the world who want to be on your side! You arenât inherently bad if other people leave you! You are not a burden! Keep choosing good and keep your head up if you are on a journey of recovery! <3