Snake and Mouse

The Riddler: To free Batman from my trap, you must answer this riddle, little bird. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with wind. What am I?

Dick, eight years old and freshly Robin: *thinking really hard*

The Riddler looking at Batman dangling upside down: ?

Batman: He just needs an extra minute.

The Riddler:

Batman: English isn’t his first langauge.

The Riddler, feeling a little bad: oh, that’s… take your time, buddy.

Jason, twelve years old: *lifting a hand*

The Riddler: -uh, yes?

Jason: Can you repeat that? The riddle?

The Riddler: um, yeah, sure. I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?

Jason: Yeah, you’re a map but when you’re talking about multiple species of fish, which you probably are, you can say fishes. If you’re using fish, you’re only talking about one species.

The Riddler:

Jason: I just think you should know that. You know as a “genius”

The Riddler: The more you take, the more you -

Tim: Footsteps, where’s Batman?

The Riddler: No, you have to let me-

Tim: Nuh-uh

The Riddler: The fuck do you mean “nuh-uh”? Who raised you?

Tim, on two hours sleep, with two essays due on this fine Thursday night: *fucking launches himself at The Riddler*

The Riddler: I wear a mask but not to hide,

Steph: It's you. You're the answer.

The Riddler: You have to let me finish.

Steph, mimicking him: YOu HaVE tO LEt mE FIniSH

The Riddler: I have-

Damian: *launches himself at the Riddler*

Damian: Grayson, why does Pennyworth leave food on the counter every night?

Dick, on his phone, not even paying attention: Oh, that's for Jason.

Damian: For 'Jason'?

Dick: Yeah. Sometimes he sneaks into the kitchen at night, so Alfred started leaving food out for him.

Damian, confused: I've never seen anyone here.

Dick: Well he doesn't always come. And last time, Bruce caught him crawling through the window and scared him away so, who knows when he'll show up again.

Damian, definitely thinking of a raccoon: So then Pennyworth is feeding a random stray that crawled out of God knows where?

Dick, annoyed: He's not a 'random stray', Damian, he's family, and he has been living in this house for way longer than you have.

Damian, trying to remember how long do raccoons live for:

Damian: I hope he doesn't die soon.

Dick: ????!!

*Later that night in the Bat-cave*

Tim, typing away in the computer:

Damian: Drake. Have you ever met Jason?

Tim: Uh. Stupid, annoying and looks like a skunk? Yes, why?

Damian, picturing a mix between a racoon and a skunk:

Damian: Is he friendly?

Tim: Well, the first time I met him, he attacked me, so...

Damian: Hmm... What did you do to provoke him?

Tim: What did I do to– Bitch–

Tim: Nothing! He just didn't like me taking 'what was his', or something.

Damian, nodding: You invaded his territory.

*The next day*

Damian: Father, when do you think Jason will visit again? I want to meet him.

Bruce: Um. I don't know, Damian. He doesn't come here often.

Damian: Why?

Bruce: Because he lives somewhere else.

Damian: Why doesn't he just live here with us instead? He would be safer.

Bruce, wincing: I don't think he would like that, Damian. He's not confortable here.

Damian: But, maybe if I befriend him I could convince him to stay.

Bruce, sighing: I don't think so, Damian. You have to respect his space.

Damian: Oh...

Damian: I hope he doesn't get rabies

Damian: it's just a night or two, and it's not like Father doesn't have spare bedrooms available. Jason: that's not the issue, the issue is that i don't want them to fucking know i'm here. Damian: ok so i'll distract them and you can sneak in the back entrance. Jason, flatly: you want me to sneak into my old house to spend the night, when everybody thinks i'm dead and i want it to stay that way? Damian: i'm just saying that his long lost blood son showing up is a good distraction, and it IS a big manor. i'll bet you anything that i could keep you hidden in there for as long as you needed. Jason: you fucking could not. Damian: i could. Jason: could not. Damian: i could and i'll bet fifty dollars on it. Jason: Jason: Jason: alright.

Damian ends up keeping Jason hidden in Bruce's own house like a kid trying to hide a puppy they found on the street in the back of their closet. he's sneaking Jason food and building him a little hidey-hole in the attic above his bedroom and literally nobody else in the manor has a single fucking clue. Jason already knows all the hidey-holes and secret passages from when he lived there anyway, so it turns out not to be as hard as he thought.

to be clear, he still becomes the Red Hood. he's not spending every second in the manor; he's sneaking in and out on a daily basis while he sets up a rulership in Crime Alley. it gets to the point where he fully has his own apartment that he could move into at any point, but he and Damian are being so stubborn about this bet that he's just staying at the manor anyway to prove that eventually they'll figure it out. plus it's starting to get really fucking funny because he's started playing ominous ghost sounds in the ceiling above Tim's room and the poor guy fully thinks he's being haunted by his predecessor's ghost. a fact which is almost correct.

the only thing that's frustrating the hell out of Jason is the fact that after every single interaction with the bats, no matter how exhausted he is from working all night, he has to watch Bruce drive the others right back home while he waits and then has to walk back by himself. eventually there's an arkham breakout and it's so bad that the bats are readily accepting Hood's help with dealing with it and it takes so fucking long to sort everything out that when it's finally over and they're ready to 'go their separate ways', Jason is so genuinely dead on his feet/in pain and need of sleep that he stops caring about everything. Bruce tells the bats to get in the batmobile and Jason just trudges over and slides in next to Tim.

everybody freezes and. straight does not know how to respond. Jason's just half-asleep already leaning his head against the window, and Bruce eventually has to clear his throat and ask like "...would you like a ride home, Hood?" and Jason just grunts.

"where do you live?"

"Wayne Manor," Jason mumbles, barely conscious. the bats all bluescreen apart from Damian who is so resigned to his big brother's idiocy at this point that he just tells them to take him back to the cave with them.

"just- just bring him. look at him. what trouble is he going to cause? he's tired, Father. let him rest."

Bruce is... so confused. and so concerned. but if Hood's injured then what harm is there in letting him get checked over and sleep the worst off in the batcave medical suite? he did help out a lot that night, after all. except when they get to the cave Bruce and Dick start preparing to carry the asleep Red Hood onto a medical bed when Damian just kicks him in the ribs and says 'we're home', and they watch in baffled fucking silence as Hood wakes up, blearily blinks while he takes in his surroundings, and then gets up to start trudging straight up and into the manor.

the others can do nothing but watch in quiet disbelief as Hood proceeds to go through the manor like he truly knows it, gets to Damian's bedroom, and then sleepily climbs up through a secret passage in the ceiling that, when Bruce pokes his head into, reveals a fully renovated bedroom filled with the Red Hood's gear and personal possessions. Hood flops down onto the bed and passes out immediately. Damian just bids Hood a good night and calmly closes the opening behind him, before turning to face the incredulous faces of his entire family staring at him like he's a fucking alien. he narrows his eyes.

"we will talk about it. tomorrow."

"Damian-"

"we are all tired." Damian determines. "for now, let him sleep."

"IN OUR HOUSE-"

"WE WILL DISCUSS THIS TOMORROW."

the next morning Jason wakes up at like. noon. and remembers the night before. and he crawls down into Damian's room to nudge him awake and firmly tell him 'i am not giving you fifty dollars'.

This kind of attitude pisses me off btw. Actually when it comes to politics, we should be thinking about stuff seriously basically all of the time. It's not about being virtuous or morally superior or whatever, it's just important to care about what you are saying. I don't care that lots of dog people say there are "gender" differences in dogs – lots of people say lots of bullshit and if it's wrong and harmful it should be addressed.

Hey sorry no you can't think about "dog genders" without thinking about human gender because gender is a social construct that doesn't apply to dogs so you've already failed! Fuck off with your dismissive "looool".

—

PBS: Language as Prejudice - Myth #6: Women Talk Too Much (via misandry-mermaid)

Every EVERY women’s studies class I’ve been in has had this problem and failed to address it. 

American Comb Duck (Sarkidiornis sylvicola), male, family Anatidae, order Anseriformes, Peru

Northern Hog Badger (Arctonyx albogularis), family Mustelidae, Kaziranga Tiger Reserve, Assam, India

Once considered to be a subspecies of the Greater Hog Badger, A. collaris, which has now been split into 3 species.

i see this and raise you: scenario in which shane had a bag with him (excuse of going to a gym if anyone asked) (shane, who was going to ask and expect a prop??? my guy), which means ryba comes out sneakily to explore after smelling the lure of tuna, CLIMBS IN because she likes sleeping on a hoodie of shane's that ilya 100% stole so hey!! i know this smell!! comfy smell!!, ryba just O.O what is happening to me rn when she is suddenly in motion and just freezes, and now shane makes it back to the hotel only to find??? he has??? A PASSENGER???

where the FUCK did a cat come from????

so now he's processing 1. apparently rozanov has?? a cat??? 2. i apparently accidentally stole?? rozanov's cat??? 3. jesus FUCK i am going to have to face rozanov again because i HAVE to return this fucking cat.

and from ilya's pov?? FULL fucking freakout when he can't find ryba. like shane leaves, ilya cleans up, and then goes to find ryba in the guest room where she usually hides under the bed because. well. at least you can come out now, rybochka, there is no one-

and then?? she isn't there???

so now ilya is facing TRUE nightmare day. situationship just noped out of a boyfriend roleplay, lied about it TO HIS FACE, and NOW?? HIS CAT?? IS SUDDENLY FUCKING MISSING????

like man is GOING! THROUGH! IT!

and then?? gets a text from shane?? okay, maybe he feels bad and wants to-

"do you have a cat?"

what??? the fuck????? is THAT the relevant fucking information here? yes he does but-

and then it's just a picture of ryba on a hotel bed in shane's bag and ilya is just ??? what sick fuck move is this??? you stole my fucking cat??

"why do you have my cat?"

"you have a cat?"

"fucking obviously. why do you have her??"

"i didn't mean to! she climbed in my bag! i'll bring her back now."

and now they are FORCED to see each other again fucking. IMMEDIATELY after the tuna meltdown.

and shane is a bundle of knots inside, but they get there, he has to come inside again because ryba is REFUSING to come out of the bag because WHAT is happening to her today, so shane has to come inside so he can put the bag down and unzip it so ilya can coax ryba out, and now shane is watching ilya be so gentle and patient with his very freaked out cat and getting a reminder of who ilya REALLY is. like today was freaky and overwhelming but like. THIS is ilya. even in the early days when shane was nervous about things in bed, ilya was always patient and gentle with him, too.