cmon child safety lid you know it's me

fucking love when bitches lie to me for fun. i just asked this dude about a scar on his chest (perfectly vertical, about 3 inches long) and he launched into this story about how it was an injury he’d gotten from a metal overhang on a boat in highschool and ended the story with “but actually i got heart surgery”

y’all wanna know something even better. the heart surgery part of the story was the lie. i asked him about it later and he went “oh yeah no, it really was from a boat, i just realized halfway through telling you the truth that i could lie and it would be really funny”

we’re dating now

i hope you have a very vampiric and homosexual pride month

i love gaboon vipers why do they move like that

reading the wiki for the american psycho movie every single thing it’s saying about christian bale has me in tears …….. he literally wanted the role so bad he got that buff in two weeks, rejected every other offer for 9 months while the producers tried to get dicaprio to be patrick bateman bc bale knew dicaprio would chicken out, went to dinner with the director and the guy who wrote the novel IN CHARACTER apparently scaring the shit out of the novelist, took the role for $50k, and then made all his costars think he was a giant freak bc he never fucking broke character, and APARENTLY LITERALLY HAS CONTROL OVER HIS SWEAT GLANDS AND USED THIS IN THE BUSINESS CARD SCENE

He’s an Aquarius…… .

uptown funk made me sexually attracted to bruno mars…….

stop!!!

wait a minute

fill my butt put some liquor in it!

It’s called ‘being able to see the corpse’

So if I put you in an L-shaped swimming pool, and you knew there was a corpse around the corner, you'd be fine?

loving the implication that I'm a little animal and you're a scientist putting me into various bodies of water to test my corpse:water ratio tolerance

I FUCKING HATE THAT I GREW UP WITH THE GOOD INTERNET I HATE THAT I REMEMBER GOOGLE SEARCHING A TERM AND FINDING OUT EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS I HATE THAT I REMEMBER WELL DESIGNED WEBSITES MADE FOR EASY VIEW AND NOT TO BOMB YOU WITH ADS I HATE THAT I REMEMBER WHEN APPS WERE TRYING TO BE THEIR BEST AND NOT TO SELL THE MOST I HATE HOW CAPITALISM AFFECTS EVERYTHING AROUND ME AND I HATE THAT I CAN SEE IT SO CLEARLY IN HOW IT AFFECTS THE INTERNET

idk maybe domestic abuse trials shouldn’t be treated as entertainment

"masks are no longer required but still highly recommended" Okay well you can require them. if theyre so fucking recommended.