Shepard's Dead Fish

summoning a demon to do your bidding but they are just so cartoonishly dogshit at the task you give them that the contract never gets fulfilled and now theyre just kinda living in your house

the demon you commanded to go out and destroy your enemies and drag their souls to hell has returned. three hours elapsed, zero souls damned, one skinned knee. demon is visibly trying not to cry.

top tier character trait will always be “I care about you deeply, even though I betrayed you. even though I would do it again” I don’t make the rules

the pitt is hilarious for cast of suicidal characters because you see a guy literally get talked off the ledge five minutes into the pilot episode and think damn okay he’s really going through it and then thirty episodes later you catch yourself thinking god i wish everyone else here was as well adjusted as the guy who nearly threw himself off the hospital roof in episode 1 and gets shot at recreationally to abate his suicidal thoughts

Remember when Xbox was going to basically ban used games for the xbox one, and Playstation made fun of them with that video titled "how to share games on Playstation" and it was just one guy handing another a game disk? And now Playstation is getting rid of physical disks entirely

it’s crazy how much you can read if you read

[image description: tweet by @ audipenny that reads "America keeps trying to get me to go to her birthday party and I'm like no girl u need to go to the hospital." /end id.]

what doesnt kill you is still valuable data points for a graph im working on titled "how to kill you"

love island should introduce a "scheming eunuch" islander who is like a smart and completely asexual islander exempt from being kicked off or being made to participate in any challenges and they're just there to provide advice and be a sort of sounding board for the other islanders when they need a disinterested party to talk things through with. but the scheming eunuch has secret goals unbeknownst to anyone e.g. a cash prize for talking a certain couple into breaking up etc.