Star Trek Captains, A Review and Categorization
Star Trek is a show about a Neo-military organization that has rank structures, ships, and fights wars, so naturally there's plenty of captains to talk about, but for this post I'll be highlighting specifically the main cast captains, in something resembling chronological order. (But, I mean, this is Star Trek, so even that's kinda up in the air)
That Guy who had to hand crank the warp engine up-hill both ways in the blinding ion storm. We don't need no stinkin' Prime Directive! Remember The Alamo Pearl Harbor 9/11 Florida! But...uh, maybe don't be dicks about it, not everyone who looks like the ones responsible for that thing we're never going to forget actually wants us dead. Got transformed into an alien, got possessed by another alien, slept with a couple more. Never got pregnant, though (that was his chief engineer)
Nazi facilities destroyed: 1
Midlife crisis? What midlife crisis? Everything's fiiiiine. Now eat something, it'll make you feel better. I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Number One, don't tell me I can't adopt more kids, I don't care that they're from the future they're mine now. Besides, we've already got a whole ship-full, what's two more?
Violations of the Temporal Prime Directive: -3 (yes, it's an irrational number, we're talking time travel, people!)
Musical Numbers Participated While On Duty: 3
Category: Dad (or DILF if you swing that way)
You will be captain when you can snatch the stone from my hand.
Protege's who required a redemption arc: 1
Awesomeness: Transcendent
Category: Gone too soon, also, MILF who can kick your ass
(Edit: Courtesy of @cheer-me-up-scotty for pointing out an oversite on my part)
Cosplays as a Vulcan 'cause she's jealous of her adoptive brother. Accurately called an audience-stand-in-self-insert-mary-sue (shut up, Star Trek fandom invented the Mary Sue, it was a term coined by women fans, so shut up!), but by season 2 she actually gets interesting.
Mommy Issues: Has a subscription
PTSD inducing life events: Like, all of them
Category: That One Cousin who married surprisingly well and made something of herself in spite of all expectations
Golden retriever energy, would be the Useless Bisexual Himbo if he didn't have so much game. Probably smarter than he lets on. Polyamory King and certified Alien Fucker. Boyfriend is a half-space-elf, main sometimes-girlfriend will go on to create the deadliest super-weapon ever built by humans by accident.
Number of Klingon Bounties on his head: [CLASSIFIED]
Number of women he's slept with: [CLASSIFIED]
Number of times he should have had a test that determines if you can stick your dick in it that got named after an upstart from that other science fiction show instead: 1
Category: Slut(affectionate)
Captain Kirk (the other one)
Golden Retriever that got left behind when his family moved away and had to lead a ragtag team of a crotchety older dog and a wet cat on a journey...
Times he should have been kicked out of Starfleet: At least 4
Ground transport destroyed: 2 (that we know of)
Number of middle fingers given to Admiralty: 2
You know that guy who you see going to the library all the time and always seems to have his nose in a book and always seems to be telling people off for breaking the rules and doing dangerous shit? You'd never know it but he used to be That Guy in college who got, like, ALL the girls and is going to be the Hot Grampa that you don't know how he has that much game, but he got it.
Ships lost in the line of duty: 2
Number of times he married and then estranged his best friend's wife who named their son after her dead first husband: 1
Number of toxic omnipotent and omniscient boyfriends who are obsessed with him and spends their spare time playing with ponies: 1
Category: Inexplicable Sexyman
The Cool Dad with baggage. He's got game, but he's got priorities as well, and DON'T mess with his son or you won't even exist anymore to regret it. BLM before it was cool. Led a civil rights riot two centuries before he was born. Space Jesus who can make the best jambalaya you've ever had. Fought and won a war, punched a god, then became one.
Native Cultures Treated With the Respect They Deserve: Many
Times He Bent the Rules so his CMO could get some nookie from a Cardasian spy plain, simple tailor: The counter broke
Successful black-ops assassinations completed: 1
THE single most decorated captain in Starfleet history. Successfully dropped the hammer on dozens of petty tyrants, oppressive regimes, roaming mass murderers, and the Borg. What Prime Directive? Your Mom. Also, probably slept with your mom, that's how much she is the Domme-est of Dommes. She told the Borg to use the safe word...and they DID!
Times she told the Borg to step off: 3 (or 4...or 5? Honestly, with the time travel shenanigans it's hard to know for sure)
Nazis she's personally shot: 1
Category: Mistress, but it's "Ma'am" to you
She's angry AND disappointed! She's just as good as all the other captains in the fleet, and the good ones know it, but all the rest? They see "cali class" and assume all they're good for is the jobs nobody else wants. But jokes on them, because thanks to that attitude her crew are the flippin' Jacks and Jills of all trades and are more capable of fixing AND fucking AND "fucking" shit up than damn near anyone else!
Times the ship has nearly been destroyed but she and her crew got through it: ...uh...how many episodes are there? And then there's the times that get casual mentions that we never get the details on!
Daughters who should probably be captains now if they were at least a LITTLE more respectful and didn't actively try to piss off Admirals: 1
Times the Cerritos has had to be rebuilt to the point it might as well be called "The Ship of Cerritos Problem": At least 4
Category: Your mom...get back here, I'M NOT DONE TALKING TO YOU!
Cinnamon Roll, just let m'boy into Starfleet! He just wants a home and a family! I'd like to see full-grown captains who can keep up with half of what this Best Boy is capable of!
Number of species his genetic code is made up of: All of 'em. Even the GODDAMN Q!
Number of Janeways he impressed the socks off of: 2
Quality of his Janeway impression: Bad
Number of Ferengi he out-Ferengi'd: 1
Nazis punched: Give him time...
Category: Teenage Boy Who's NOT GOING THROUGH A PHASE, MOM!
Should I do Captains Shaw and Seven? How about Alternate Timeline Tripp or Future Chakotay? (Going too far down that rabbit hole will eventually lead to Imperial Kirk and Captain Spock from the movies.) Let me know in the comments.
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