this bad boy can fit so much love and affection

i think one of the worst things the left wing internet ever did was push the idea that oppression is basically a virtue, and being oppressed is a sign of your morality. it has made it like…impossible for some of you to hold the idea that most people are privileged in some ways and oppressed in others. AND a lot of you seem to have it in your mind that terrible people cannot be oppressed, and that oppressed people cannot do terrible things, which is a dangerous rhetoric to hold imo.

As is my tradition on this fine first day of April, I would like to invite each and every one of my followers to click this link and enjoy listening to Rick Astley's fine single, Never Gonna Give You Up, and then share this post to extend the same invitation to their own followers

i am so tired of peeing. i drink the water, which i apparently need to live or something, then i have to go put the water somewhere else five minutes later. i drink the water, i go to a place to un-drink the water, i wash my hands, i leave, then i have to drink more water. guess where that water ends up? not in me! i give the water to my body and like a child it tosses it out and demands more. all hours of the day all hours of the night no matter what i am doing my life is interrupted by piss and this is bullshit

This sounds like it was written by a powerful being that is trapped in a human vessel and keeps having their plans thwarted by bathroom breaks. 

You know too much.

All my haters become aligators when I activate my gatorinator.

you laugh now, but when my gatorinator is ready, it's all over

Having taken stock of the situation, it's not as bad as I originally thought. It's not like these crocodilians are an urgent problem, much less a representation of my own mortality. There's no ticking clock here.

Posts that have 100k gators to me.

Actually there are only 5 gators in my post, but it is an understandable mistake.

I hate all of you so very much. (affectionate)

Gonzo, get on tumblr, girl, you have a home here.

Organised crime? Nah girl I'm into disorganised crime. If a goon doesn't have ADHD they aren't getting hired

Cops can't stop us if they don't know what we're doing, and they can't find out if we have no idea either

Minions stop this post from reaching 1k

On it, boss! Gettin' this post to 10k, just like you said!

It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, weird or stupid. You matter.

Hypothetical question: what about "and"

its always funny when you're doing some math and starts out with numbers like 500mg and by the end your result is "20 protons"

NileRed yields

everyone who reblogs this and is like "I ordered my own tea this week" or "I only barfed once when I had to give a presentation'- you are doing amazing sweetie. Have patience with yourself, you are relearning a skill so difficult that people get 4 year degrees to do it professionally.

I didn't fucking say that

Holy shit puki is master oofway

As much as I want to support ethical farming practices I will be buying the cheapest bag of frozen chicken thighs as much as the next frugal/poor person which is why animal welfare needs to be legislated, not left up to the invisible hand of the free market or some bullshit. Invisible hand of the free market finds itself around a lot of throats.

You know that that cheap chicken will cease to exist. I would rather be able to eat meat more than once every 2 weeks than legislate the price up on the basis of the suffering of fowl

whatever. *levitates you* *faces your body downwards & splays your limbs* *makes all your clothes fly off* *makes your tummy expand until it's hanging down a few feet* *makes your excess tummy fall off like a droplet of water escaping a faucet, returning your tummy to normal size and leaving a soft sphere of skin on the ground* *hugs the tummy drip*

if this becomes your obscure fetish you have to credit me