Just Thoughts

It’s okay that your heart still drops five years later at the sight of them. It’s okay that if they showed up in your driveway today, you'd have to resist the urge to fling yourself out of the car and into their arms. Some people are like that. With some people, it doesn’t matter whether it’s been years because twenty years later, the world goes silent at the sight of their face. Let the guilt go because we don’t choose who our hearts want, who we love unequivocally despite the pain or the fear or how desperately wrong it is. We do not choose who to love, only whether or not we stay. So walk away. Or don’t. But your stomach will still be churning in circles fifty years from now either way.

You

I’m sorry you thought this couldn’t work, because I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than to prove that it could.

I hope you’re happy. What I mean to say is, I hope you laugh at least five times a day. No no no, what I really mean is, I hope you’ve learnt to be gently sad, the kind where things hurt but not so much that you want to die. I hope you don’t hold onto happiness so tightly that it aches because you’re scared it’ll go away. I hope you have enough of it in a jar, a little glass container that you can open on a rainy day. I hope the sun warms your face and you have been free of thunderstorms for a while. I hope you feel lucky because fortune is a mindset, not a reality. I hope the girl you meet next week or in two months knows that you wanted to be a pilot when you were five. I hope she asks about your mother, who brought you up on her own, and I hope she really cares. Well, I hope you fall asleep dreaming of happy things. I hope no mountain is too tall; no ocean too vast for you to traverse. I hope you are brave and filled with so much courage that you might stand up to time and space and say “you don’t control me.

I miss you. That doesn’t change. It’ll never change. No matter how much I seem to ‘move on’, I will never stop missing you.

You left and you said you wouldn’t. Just like that because one day you got up and didn’t feel anything. It’s the same old story. Maybe if you actually grew up and realized there will be times when you’re not going to feel anything, but you stay with someone and you get through it. When you start to lose feelings for someone, tell them as soon as possible so you can work through it and if you do break up, you won’t be as surprised and it will be a lot easier on your heart. You work together. You don’t just hide it and leave. Because that’s really shitty. You don’t tell someone you love them when you don’t. I mean I get things don’t work out sometimes, but you didn’t even try to fight. And I trusted you. And you lied to me.

“I can’t live this life without you cause all I fucking do is think about you all night and day”