not me

“scientists don’t want you know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because if you actually meet a scientist they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know

honestly given my parents whole [gestures vaguely] i am actually incredibly well adjusted

Scenario 2: “world wakes up to Superman tweeting about how he hates the police” and then the Shazam twitter account starts agreeing with him and that’s how the world finds out that two of the most powerful heros both hate the police

Billy, seeing what Superman just tweeted: oh cool we're allowed to say fuck the police now!!

Someone tweets if Bruce Wayne pays taxes, and Bruce accidentally replies with his Batman account with a simple "Yes", so people start to think that besides beating up villains, Batman also spends his time staring menacingly at billionaires while they fill their taxes to make sure there's no creative accounting going on

BruceWayneOfficial: yes, the rumors are true. Batman is my accountant.

accidentally said "invasive thoughts" instead of "intrusive thoughts" today and actually I think I'm onto something. this thought does not belong here and it is harming the local ecosystem

I'm taking a bath with lights off and a lit scented candle, I thought it would be a nice relaxing experience but I feel like a draugr in a skyrim dungeon

women need to become more comfortable just saying “i don’t really care about that”

not every single long sentence is a song title by fall out boy 

there are two ways to read this