This year has tested me seemingly, on more levels than I knew was even possible. Like for instance I have always struggled to find a place where I felt like I belonged. Fuck. I still feel that way being a 30 something year old. I still haven’t found a space, an employment opportunity, friends, and even blood family that I feel like I can be, and am safe to be myself around everyone. I feel like an overly disposable person. That the amount of relationships that I have come to endure throughout my life I cherish - even when I know I shouldn’t. I think back on them often. But in every situation, every circumstances I find myself falling short, and being alone. Not invited to the parties, not invited to the group events, hardly every hanging one on one. The more I sit and think and feel on these facts that I am looking at in my life currently. The more I realize that’s why my mom was the way she was because she clearly felt the same way. Don’t get me wrong I do have a very very small circle of those who still show up for me and have my back. But this also seems to be situational, and some very non existent throughout the years. But dudes, I get it. How to you sign up to continually help gas me up when literally every day is another unfortunate thing happening to me or within my life.
I have now seen my third lay off in the last year. I have wasted what I spent two years to grow as a nest egg to keep myself a float on unemployment from my first lay off. My debt has reached its high again after I literally JUST paid all my debt off from an unfortunate ex, well two of them, and helping my brother almost a decade ago (interest am I fucking right!?). My poor animals have had a few health things to keep them up and running. I’m not going to lie the reasons to keep moving and grooving is lessening every single day.
So imagine the feeling of never belonging, being isolated, not even good enough to hold down a job. A complete loser.
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