Today we will be discussing DNI alters and whether the concept, execution of carrying out DNI alters, and whether it is healthy or not, alongside solutions. This will also get pretty touchy on persecutors and their perception, so if that makes you uncomfy or upset, please do not read this.
First of all, if you do not know what a DNI alter is, it means a "Do Not Interact" with alter. This basically means that you should not talk to, or give any attention to, this alter if they are to front because they are deemed too unstable or too angry to ever have a civil discussion with. I'm unsure where the term initially originated from. This term can be used to ANY alter with any role, but in our experience, alters that hold anger, or persecutors, are typically given this title. And I will be writing this as a persecutor who was previously given the title of "DNI".
THE CONCEPT BEHIND DNI ALTERS
I will be honest, the concept behind a DNI alter does not seem as though it is meant to be inherently harmful towards anyone. The reason I was put as DNI alter is because whilst most of the time, I am pretty easygoing to talk to, I also have a habit of saying things that are pretty nasty when annoyed (This is not limited to strictly persecutors or systems in general, anyone and everyone has the capability to snap and say harmful things), and a lot of the time even when I didn't mean to, a lot of what I would put as a "blunt" opinion or answer could be really harmful towards others. In my eyes, I was just being honest. I saw nothing wrong with it.
Nobody told me it was wrong. People were scared to tell me I was causing upset, because they thought as a persecutor, I would go off the rails and yell at them for it. I wouldn't have, really. I would have understood and tried to better myself. People have such a warped perception of a persecutor and their role in a system, and I think a lot of this stems from misinformation as a whole.
My perception of a persecutor is someone who intends to help the system and works as a protector, but because they originally stem from abusers and persecutors typically hold that abuse and picked up their traits, a persecutor typically helps in the wrong way by replicating the poor behaviour they believed it was normal and acceptable behaviour. Different people will have different definitions, but I think this is the most basic one, and I will write about persecutors as a whole later on. Persecutors CAN be really friendly and can change the way they behave and handle things. They can unlearn the behaviour they once believed was normal.
Back to the topic of DNI alters. Nobody told me what I was doing hurt them and it took months for anyone to tell our host they had an issue with my attitude. I know our host planned on bringing it up to me, but something else had came up, I went to message this person and check up on them, and lo and behold; I came across their conversation discussing me.
Nobody forced me to become a DNI alter. I wanna stress that, and I also wanna stress to anyone who has forced their alter to be in DNI status, that can be harmful. You are cutting off a massive part of interaction with other people, physical people, because of something that may not entirely be their own fault (especially if not conversed or explained to them!) and cutting them away from socialising CAN cause a lot of bitter resentment. Like I said, I know DNI alters as a concept are not inherently harmful, but it can cause a lot more harm than it does good.
THE EXECUTION OF BEING A DNI ALTER
So what does being DNI actually mean? In my case, it meant isolating myself from the entirety of the real world (Which included our husband and in laws). It meant not talking to people, keeping to myself, and if I fronted, trying to refrain from conversations, touching, anything. How many people had I hurt through being oblivious to my own wrongdoings? What if everyone felt the same way? What if -
Yeah, that was MY thought process.
I refused to talk to anyone for months. Barely anyone noticed - Outside this system and our husband's. Our husband eventually came to the conclusion that simply sitting me down and asking "What's going on?" was the best approach. We'll get back to this part of the story later - But keep this in mind as that the story part of this whole discussion is personal to me and may not/most likely is not applicable to others who have been put as DNI/put themselves as DNI, and my experience is heavily tied to stigma towards my role as well as misunderstandings.
But the baseline is: DNI alters are cut off from social interaction because they are "too angry", "too spiteful" and I don't know if every system has them cut off from innerworld/headspace conversations, but in essence - They are left to dwell on their own.
I understand some alters can be mainly angry and make bitter comments. I know some alters can be aggressive and unpleasant. I am aware of this wholeheartedly. But instead of isolating and possibly making situations worse, wouldn't it be better to try and get them to a point where they can actively try and mend the way they act?
This one is short and to the point, no. I do not think it is ever healthy to cut all contact from one alter just because there are some difficulties. That alter is a part of you and regardless of whether or not they are causing issues, the likelihood is that it is not intentional. No alter is evil. If that alter is a part of you, and you shun it, you are essentially shutting a part of yourself out. Even singlets have parts of them that they hate, it is no different with systems. The difference is, genuinely, I do not believe any alters are inherently bad. That too, is a conversation for another day.
So what are alternatives?
Talk to the alter/alters in question. If they're usually too angry to talk or comes across as abrasive, maybe have some co-front with them so they can make pointers to the alter on how to converse better.
If you as a system cannot communicate the issues at hand, perhaps seek a trusted friend/partner/etc who can discuss what is wrong and how to fix things. (This is what worked for me, having someone point out what was going wrong and looking for ways to improve my communication and explaining that "I know you struggle with communication and empathy, but if someone said this to you, you would be upset. Think about what you say and how you would react before sending advice and opinions." Sometimes I still struggle with communication, and I do sometimes make mistakes, but I am learning. We spoke to the person and told them to let me know if I said something too brashly, and they did. Communication on all sides is key!)
If your alter gets angry quickly, have a system in place so that they step away from what is making them mad and take time away from the keyboard so they can calm down.
TLDR; Basically, communicate things between each party, stop treating alters poorly by cutting them out of social interactions, find permanent solutions. A DNI feels like a temporary fix to a problem that will most likely only manifest into a larger issue if left unresolved.
Do not respond to this with anger or any hate, seriously. This is my personal view on DNI's, I know others have different views and I'm more than willing to listen to civil conversations regarding the matter, I'm up for debates, but anything deliberately harmful will be removed. Also, I would appreciate if tone tags were used as I struggle with conveying emotion over text.
