The only thing that's left to do is live

As requested by @coinshot32 :)

We have entered a world where cars actually exist in the Cosmere (yes, yes, I see you back there, Mistborn Era 2). And now characters will learn to drive them.

1. Dalinar

Reads the driver's manual so many times that he has it memorized.

Driving instructor: Do you see that orange traffic sign up ahead, Dalinar? Can you tell me what it means? Dalinar: "Orange signs warn drivers of temporary traffic conditions." Page 35. Driving Instructor: ...Um, very good but again, you do not have to give me the page number every time.

2. Wax

Is taught by his uncle, Edwarn (unfortuantely).

Edwarn: Now tell me, Wax--what is the goal of driving? Wax: To get somewhere safely? Edwarn: I thought you would say that. But no. Edwarn: The goal is to win. Edwarn: Today we are going to learn something called "offensive driving." Wax: Um, is it legal? Edwarn: Sure.

3. Renarin

Is really good at following instructions.

Driving instructor (to another instructor): Yeah, so I told him to practice backing in and out of that parking space while I ran to the bathroom. Other instructor: ...He's done it like 30 times now. Driving Instructor: I LIKE this kid.

4. Jasnah

Shows up to her first lesson with driving gloves, a driving coat, and driving glasses.

Driving Instructor: Well you, um, certainly look the part. Jasnah: Yes, I know.

5. Vin

Is taught to drive by a dozen people, all of whom are incredible specialists in a very narrow field.

Tire Guy: Yup, they call me Tire Guy. Tire Guy: I can change a tire in less than a minute. Tire Guy: And today...I will teach you what to do if you get a flat tire, what to do if your tire blows out on the highway, how to rotate your tires--basically, anything tire-related. Vin: This seems normal.

6. Kelsier

Teaches himself to drive. By stealing a car. While fleeing a crime.

Kelsier: ...Anyway, so we went barreling down the street. I was screaming, Mare was screaming, people were diving out of the way. Kelsier: But thanks to that, I'm a really good driver now. Vin: ...Because of that, like, specifically? Kelsier: Oh, for sure.

7. Tress

Impresses everyone with her aptitude.

Driving Instructor: W-Wait, while I was on the phone, you went ahead and fixed the engine?? Tress: Um, yes. Tress: Is that okay? Driving instructor: I-I thought this was only your second lesson! Tress: It is? Driving Instructor (muttering): All this AND she's good at parallel parking??

8. Siri

Impresses everyone with her aptitude.

Driving Instructor: Wow, you're a natural at this! Siri: [Considers how she has secretly been driving golf carts around the grounds with the groundskeeper since she was five years old] Siri: Hee, hee, thanks!

9. Vivenna

Studying did not prepare her in the way that she hoped. :(

Driving Instructor: [correcting using his own wheel] Vivenna, please! Are you trying to cause an accident?? Vivenna: WHY IS EVERYTHING SO LOUD AND BRIGHT AND FAST

10. Spook

Feels that his needs are not always taken seriously.

Driving Instructor: You absolutely, positively CANNOT wear a blindfold while driving! Spook: I'm really good at driving by pure vibrations, though. Spook: And headlights are REALLY bright these days. Driving Instructor: NO

11. Kaladin

Has his eye on a...particular driving future.

Lirin: Very good, Kaladin. Kaladin: Thanks, Dad. Kaladin: ... Kaladin: Um, so the other kids were talking about street racing... Lirin: Oh you mean where you drive very fast and kill yourself and others while breaking the law? Kaladin: ... Kaladin: It kinda sounded...cool? Lirin: Trust me, it is NOT.

12. Szeth

Becomes disillusioned quickly.

As requested by anon37 and also another anon. :)

If I remember correctly, anon37 wanted characters babysitting Oroden, and another anon wanted an Oroden feature, so this one is both! Oroden is Kaladin's little brother, currently a toddler. So if various Stormlight characters got to babysit him, here is how I think it would go!

[Navani's entry contains a major WAT spoiler!!!]

1. Nale

[Nale and Oroden are playing Rosharan Candyland so, uh, Spiceland or something] Nale: Oroden Stormblessed, did you just cheat? Oroden [who tossed the card he picked onto the floor so he could have a better card]: Yup! Nale: ... Nale: [Crosses "Skybreaker" off his "Possible Radiant Orders for Oroden" list] Hesina: Uh, Nale? Are you trying to figure out if Oroden is going to be Radiant? Nale: ...Old habits die hard.

2. Sebarial

Sebarial: [hefty sigh] Why did I agree to this again? Sebarial: [handing Oroden a handful of clear chips] Yes, yes, go buy yourself a snack. Sebarial: I don't even like kids. Sebarial: [handing Oroden a toy sword with an embedded gem so it actually glows] Here, play with this. Sebarial: Ugh, it's definitely the worst day ever. Sebarial: [handing Oroden more money] Go get some dessert too. Oroden: I love you, Uncle Sebar! Sebarial: ... Sebarial: Ew, why?

3. Shallan

Shallan: Kaladin, your little brother is a DELIGHT. Shallan: And he loves hearing stories about you! Kaladin: ... Kaladin: What kind of stories? Oroden: [pointing at Kaladin] GIVE ME YOUR BOOTS Oroden: [shrieking with laughter] Kaladin: SHALLAN

4. Adolin

Adolin: Rawr, I'm a monster! I'm gonna getcha! Oroden: [waving around a stick] Rarrr! I slay you! Adolin: Nooo.... I am slain!!!!!! Lirin: [twitching] Hesina: Shhhh, it's cute!

5. Lift

Oroden: I wanna slide around! Lift: Okay, sure! Come sit on my lap, and we'll slide all over! Oroden: No! I wanna slide by myself! Lift: By yourself? Hmmm.... [Later] Hesina: Wh-Why is my child so slippery??? Lift: A tub of vegetable oil, baby! Oroden: I love to slide!

6. Navani [WARNING: WAT SPOILERS!]

Oroden: (voice muffled) Um, Aunt Navani? Oroden: (voice muffled) I wanna go play. Oroden: (voice muffled) Can you stop hugging me? Navani: (holding Oroden very tightly in her arms) Not a chance.

7. Lopen

Lirin: Um, Lopen? Where is our son? Lopen: Hmmm, I wonder... [A giggle is heard from above] Lirin: ... Lirin: Please stop sticking our son to the ceiling. Lopen: Aww, but he loves it! Oroden: I'M CEILING BOY

8. Renarin

Renarin: [playing blocks with Oroden] Renarin: Remember--you can be anything you want to be. Renarin: Don't let anyone tell you who you are, okay? Oroden: I wanna be a DRAGON! Renarin: ... Renarin: I like your style.

9. Hoid

Oroden: [peacefully sleeping] Lirin: Impressive. Your bedtime story put him right to sleep. Hoid: ...Thank you. Design: Funny because it WASN'T a bedtime story but Oroden went right to sleep anyway! Hoid: D-Don't tell them that!!

10. Rlain

Pattern feature requested by @patternmyson :)

Pattern is one lie-loving Cryptic. So in his opinion, who are his favorite liars across the Cosmere?

#10: Kaladin

"All windrunners are liars but Kaladin is my favorite! What is honor? It's a lie that humans agree to follow. Only they cannot decide what it is or what it means. A collective lie but a splintered one. Sometimes Kaladin almost seems to realize. But he cannot accept the lie or the truth. He's no lightweaver!"

#9: Tress

"To see the good in people--that's a lie, isn't it? Tress believes that she can see it and she insists on it until it becomes the truth. That is the power of a lie!"

#8: Raoden

"Mmmm, I like that Raoden embraced lies for their power. He became Spirit because Spirit was a lie more powerful than being Raoden. He let people believe the he could eliminate their pain and hunger. Mmm, because their belief in that lie had power."

#7: Steris

"Hmm, Steris's central lie is that she is useless and has nothing to offer. That is a lie that could attract a Cryptic! But also! Steris can see that customs and etiquette are themselves lies but with rules you can uncover. She might make a good Cryptic herself..."

#6: Kelsier

"He knows the smile is a lie but wears it like armor. A delicious and purposeful lie! Humans love lies, but they do not like to admit that they are lying. But Kelsier does! He likes to lie and he likes to know that it is a lie and he waits for it to become truth. Very unique, as humans go."

#5: Nikaro

"Mmmm...a strong, foundational, delicious lie. He lied so his friends would be happy, and then the lie broke, and then he lied to himself that the friendships were unrepairable, and he covered himself with the lies until they were smothering him. He needed to be someone else. To see the lies. And accept the truth. That is my favorite!"

#4: Vivenna

"Many versions of Vivenna, all of them from how other people see her. Yet she could not let them go. She had to try to be them, trying to be the lies. It was safer for her to be the lies--they were as her shield. Yes, she reminds me of Shallan! That is why I like her."

#3: Vin

"She found a power in an Alter, like Shallan! And she did not accept at first that the Alter was her, that she was both Vin and she was Valette also. But when she realized! The truth behind the lies gave her power. That is how lies should work!"

#2: Wayne

"Yes, I like Wayne because Wayne reminds me of Shallan! He does with hats what Shallan does with her drawings. But also his lies run deep. So convinced he is that he should be dead and is not worthy to be alive. Mmmm... His need to be useful and to be loved and to tell jokes--all from that one, central lie!"

#1: Shallan

Shallan feature requested by anon256 :)

[Item #7 contains WAT Spoilers!]

Shallan & Wit have had two podcasts before: One on cryptids and one one on conspiracy theories. Now for a third, equally fantastic podcast topic: Is It Yuri?

1. Introduction

Shallan: Wit, it's time to do a podcast about me. Wit: I'm on board! What would you like to focus on, fellow podcaster Shallan? Shallan: Let's examine moments from my life and ask the all-important question: Was It Yuri? Wit: Do we have criteria for juding? Shallan: Yes. Shallan: Pure vibes. Wit: Let's do it!

2. Jasnah soulcasting poison out of Shallan's veins

Shallan: Once, when I had ingested poison, Jasnah soulcast that poison out of my veins while I was dying. Shallan: She saved my life. Wit: But...was that yuri? Shallan: Oh, absolutely. Shallan: The intimacy! Her power flowing through my veins! Me, unconscious on the floor and at her mercy! Shallan: Aside from the whole "nearly dying" thing--very hot. Wit: Some listeners would claim that the nearly dying thing makes it hotter. Shallan: ...And they're not wrong, honestly.

3. The Santhid

Wit: Shallan, a listener has called in asking about the time you went deep underwater to gaze into the eye of the santhid. Shallan: ...Our podcast is live? Wit: Ignoring that. Wit: Was it yuri? Shallan: Well....gazng into the single eye of a giant woman would be yuri. Shallan: But was the santhid a woman? Wit: What does your heart say? Shallan: I remember the magnificence. I remember the intelligence. I remember the giant-ness. Shallan: My heart says yes. My moment with the santhid was yuri. Wit: Good enough for me!

4. The Stick

Wit: Shallan, I'm going to ask you a difficult, personal question. Wit: When the stick refused to become fire.... Was that yuri? Shallan: What? No! Shallan: That stupid stick doesn't DESERVE to be yuri! Wit: I seem to have touched a nerve.

5. Alters

Wit: We have another caller! Shallan: (But how though) Wit: "Shallan, is having alters yuri for you?" Shallan: Oh, hmmm.... Shallan: Having alters is not inherently yuri. Shallan: In my case, I do have one alter who explicitly expresses my attraction for women and another modeled explicitly on the hottest woman I know (Jasnah). Shallan: So, uh, yeah. Yuri. Wit: Impeccable logic, I'd say.

6. Murder [Contains WAT spoilers!]

Shallan: Wit, I'm thinking about murder. Wit: As one does. Shallan: I've killed a few people in my day, and I know the people want to know if those murders were also yuri. Wit: They do. Shallan: Killing my mother? Not yuri, obviously. Killing my father? Also not yuri. Shallan: Killing Tyn? Yuri. Killing Iyatil? Yuri. Wit: So...it's yuri to kill a woman you're not related to? Shallan: Only if there's something homoerotic already in the relationship. Wit: So you think it would be possible for you to kill a woman in a yuri-less manner? Shallan: I do. Shallan: Maybe....someday.

7. The Chasm Adventure

Wit: Shallan, was it yuri for you to be swallowed up by the chasms on the Shattered Plains when you fell into them with Kaladin? Shallan: It was. Shallan: For me. And also for Kaladin. Wit: Expand on that? Shallan: No.

8. Fighting Re-Shephir

Shallan: This one is so obvious that I'm a little embarrassed to even mention it. Wit: Shallan, please. If you or I could be embarrassed, we wouldn't be doing these podcasts. Shallan: Good point. Shallan: Yes, it was obviously yuri when I fought Re-Shephir. Shallan: I pressed into her. She pressed into me. We got into each other's minds. Shadow tentacles were involved. Shallan: Like, it's so obviously yuri it's almost not yuri, you know? Wit: Somehow, I do.

9. Marrying Adolin