the vessel of dad jokes

1. Introduction

Wit: That's right, friends! Shallan and I are back with yet another memorable podcast, after our first one about conspiracy theories was so well received! Shallan: ...How did you pronounce that link? Wit: Ha, ha! Wit: Anyway. Wit: Shallan, what IS a cryptid? Shallan: A cryptid is a strange and possibly imaginary beast that some people claim lurks in the shadows...and others will claim cannot possibly exist! Shallan: Kind of like that santhid that I hung out with, which many people claimed was extinct. Wit: That's right, folks, we have a cryptic expert with us today in Shallan! Shallan: Sure, let's go with that.

2. Cryptid #1: Sky-Eel-Man

Wit [in a whisper]: Some claim that there is a strange Sky Eel / Human hybrid that you can sometimes see flying in the sky above the Shattered Plains! Shallan: So, like, a Windrunner? Wit: They say that this strange, flying humanoid appeared months BEFORE the Radiants returned! Shallan: So...Kaladin? Wit: They say that should you happen to catch a glimpse of this being's face, it's terrifyingly angry visage can turn you to STONE! Shallan: Sounds like Kaladin. Wit: ...Yeah, it's probably just Kaladin. Wit: ... Wit: OR IS IT

3. Cryptid #2: The Pure-Loch Monster

Shallan [in a whisper]: They say that there is a strange aquatic beast lurking in the waters of the Purelake. Shallan: Some have claimed to see it surfacing, its ancient, crablike face harkening back to the ancient days when giant crabs roamed the land and swam beneath our oceans. Shallan: Could such a prehistoric monster really be hidden in those waters? Believers in the Pure-Loch Monster say yes! Wit: ...Isn't that lake like two feet deep? Shallan [normal voice]: It's a very large and flat crab-thing, I'd imagine. Shallan: Just imagine a giant crab that has been flattened by, uh, a giant flattening machine. Wit: Pasta roller? Shallan: I don't know what that is.

4. Cyptid #3: The Hair-Hounds

Wit [In a whisper]: Some say that deep in the hills of Alethkar there is a terribly mutated pack of axehounds... Wit: These tortured beasts are covered...in hair! Wit: They are called Hair-Hounds, and some claim they you can hear them running in the night, barking and barking. Shallan: Those DO sound horrifying! Wit: Ha... Ha... Yeah, just imagine--dogs...that are fluffy... Shallan: Dis-gust-ing. Wit: ... Shallan: What?

5. Cyptid #4: The Demon Stick

Shallan: [in a whisper] Imagine that you've found yourself on a cold, icy beach... Shallan: Freezing to death, feeling your life slowly seep away as the last vestiges of warmth leave your body... Shallan: And then you see it--the Demon Stick! The Stick--That Won't Become Fire! Shallan: Even If You Ask It Really Nicely! Wit: For the last time, Shallan, that's not a cryptid--I think it's just a normal stick. Shallan: [muttering] It was NOT a normal stick...

6. Cryptid #5: The Boot Ghost Princess

The Alloy of Law Weird Mustache Man

Shadows of Self Lessie!!!!!!!

The Bands of Mourning Waxillium Ladrian and the Temple of Doom

The Final Empire Holy Shit It Is Raining Hard

The Well of Ascension I Fucking Hate Zane Thunder Rumbling Ominously In The Distance

The Hero of Ages Lightning Aggressively Striking You Sixteen Times Over