Oh, rats.

I was ahead of schedule on my way in to work, so I stopped to get breakfast at a Wawa (a popular chain of large convenience stores/gas stations on the US east coast).

As I was coming out, a small crow wheeled right over my head and perched on the corner of the awning in front of the store. He puffed his feathers and shook out his wings and regarded me with one bright black eye. I know a messenger when I see one, so I minded my manners…and ignored the odd looks from the people around me.

Me: Good morning.

Crow: -polite caw-

Me: -taking a piece of donut from my bag- Would you like some breakfast?

Crow: -tips his head the other way and flaps a few times-

Me: Here you go. -tosses the piece onto the ground just below the awning-

Crow: -hesitates, looking between me and the bit of pastry-

Me: It’s all right, it’s for you. -takes a step back for good measure- Go ahead.

Crow: GRAWK! -glides down from the awning, pecks up the snack, and wheels once over my car before flying off-

Me: Give my regards to your mistress, fella.

Lady in the next parking space: …..What kinda Halloweentown shit was that?

Press F to pay respects appears only once in Call of Duty Advanced Warfare - hell, only once in entire Call of Duty series. It’s a single, context-sensitive action that you can never do before or again. In addition, you are forced to do it to progress - if you won’t, you will sit there at this stupid funeral for hours and days. It’s funny because it’s so horribly ill-fitting and forced. We’re laughing AT writers and designers who thought this was a good idea.

Press Y to honk, on the other hand, is systemic, not contextual. At any point in Untitled Goose Game, you can honk, whenever you like - it’s a dedicated honking button. Not only that, but honking has an actual effect - NPCs will be distracted by hearing it, turning in your direction, and some will run away. The act of honking is not funny - what’s funny is the concept of honking, that in a game about a goose there is a button dedicated solely to honking - but also, what’s funny are the interactions that ARISE from using the honk. Making someone trying to hammer a nail  smash his thumb by honking right as the hammer goes down  - that’s great comedy, and it’s PLAYER CONTROLLED comedy. We’re laughing WITH the designers, because they gave us a gameplay tool, a mechanic that is hilarious because we have the power to make it hilarious.

This speech-language pathologist taught her dog 29 words, and he can even form full sentences.

They do understand our words. This is not true of all domesticated animals (horses, for example, can only manage to distinguish a relatively small number of spoken commands…but boy do they know what you’re really saying).

They don’t understand “just your tone of voice” as a lot of people think.

As of 2016 the record vocabulary for a dog demonstrating understanding of words is over 1,000.

So if you give them a way to talk back, they’re going to use it.

The development of language skills is probably a side effect of domestication and of being kept in close contact with humans. A dog that was a better hunting partner would be kept and bred and over time they developed a better understanding of language.

In other words, dogs are pretty dang smart because we need them to understand us.

Check out the owner Christina’s Instagram: one of the first things I saw was a video where the dog started barking and, when prompted by the owner, said “outside, look look look look look look look, come outside.” Which is basically exactly how one would expect a dog to speak. 

The owner described bringing an unknown package into the house, and the dog ran away to push the buttons for “help no no help help” which is also about what I expect goes on in a scared pup’s mind.

In another video, the dog tried to push a button, and the button wasn’t working. The dog paused and then pushed the buttons for “No. Help.” 

In yet another (which the owner seemed impressed by), Stella said “come eat come play.” The owner asked the dog which she wanted to do, to eat or to play? And the dog clarified “come eat.” After eating, then the dog tried to instigate play. So the dog may have been able to understand a short spoken question, and how “questions and answers” work, and also understands sequences, even if she can’t express them (”I want to eat, THEN I want to play”)

Stella can even recount short-term memories, like when her family returned from the beach for dinner and she said “water good, no eat, play”

By the way, the owner uses the buttons as well, which probably really helps reinforce their meaning. She uses them to say things like “Stella all done eat” or “Stella and Christina go outside, bye!”

I stood up and threw my arms up into the motion of an air guitar, my wife is begging me to sit back down, and I pointed at the guy who may be Keanu Reeves, and said, “Most Excellent.”

He stood up and did it back at me. Then we both had a moment and pointed at each other. I sent him another of whatever it was he was drinking. It was a cucumber sake martini. That was the end of it.

Or so I thought.

He left before we finished our meal. By the time we were done, dessert came that we didn’t order. We thought, “oh, must be compliments of the chef.” Then the bill never came. When we asked for it, our waitress said Keanu Reeves took care of it.

IT WAS REALLY HIM. And he left a note. It said, “thanks for the refresh. Keanu.”

When I finally saw him again years later, because of work. I brought it up. Then he air guitar and said, “most excellent. I remember. At Nobu’s. Thanks for the drink.” We chatted a bit and I got an autograph for my mum because she’s a huge Keanu fan. Then that was that.

Then Keanu walks up. Calmly charms the guy. Slips the usher behind the bar cash to cover the bottle, without the guy even noticing, and walks him back in to his seat like it’s a normal thing he does every day. He didn’t know the guy, didn’t know any of us, but effortlessly deescalated the situation and quite probably saved some jobs that night. 

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