the nonsensical ramblings ♥

When we refer to people like you as “Homophobic” I want to be clear what we’re saying here.  This is not a judgment of your intent.  We are not describing you as a hateful person, as an aggressive or violent person.  But we are saying that your actions and your attitudes participate in and reinforce a system of rhetoric that encourages violence against LGBT people, and, far, far more importantly, that forces millions of LGBT people to live in shame.

That’s really what this comes down to.  Not hate.  Not violence.  Shame.

Consider the point purely theologically.  Jesus tells us that to desire a sinful thing is as bad as to act on that desire.  My lusting after another mans wife is as bad as actually sleeping with her.  My genuine desire to hurt someone is as bad as actually hurting them.

So when you tell me that loving another man is a sin, you’re not just talking about physical acts of intimacy.  You don’t get to draw the line there.  You don’t get to pretend that I can be bisexual so long as I never actually physically act on it (which is already a terrible burden to place on someone).  You’re saying that every time I look at a guy and imagine how soft his lips would be, or think about how beautiful his eyes are, I am sinning.  I am a sinner every time a dude walks past me with a tight sweater on that shows of his arms.  Every time he has nice hair or a nice smile.

My love, according to you, is a sin.  That is the burden you are forcing people to live under.  That burden forced me so deep into the closet that I didn’t even know I was there.  It forced me to repress every genuine feeling of sexual attraction for other men, and to live for years with those feelings straining to get out, whilst I struggled with the constant guilt and shame that came from having those thoughts.

And I am one of the lucky ones, because I’m alive to have this conversation.  Because for many, many LGBT people that guilt and shame manifests as self-harm, substance abuse, low esteem that leads them into abusive relationships, and very often suicide.

I mean, the heroes do, of course they do, kids who want to meet Spiderman or Superman or get to be carried by the Flash as he runs through Central City for just thirty seconds.

Like, the first time it happens, no one actually thinks it’s possible, but one of the newbies volunteers to at least try. They get lucky, the kid wants to meet one of the villains who is well known to have a personal code of ethics (eg one of the rogues), and it takes them weeks to track the villain down to this one bar they’ve been seen at a few times, plus a week of staking out said bar, but they finally find them.

So they approach the villain, very politely introduce themselves and explain the situation, finishing with an assurance that, should the villain agree, no law enforcement or heroes will be informed of the meeting.

The villain, assuming it’s a joke, laughs in their face.

At this point, the poor volunteer, who has giving up weeks of their time and no small amount of effort to track down this villain, all so a sweet little girl can meet the person who somehow inspired them, well, at this point the employee sees red.

They explode, yelling at this villain about the little girl who, for some unknown reason, absolutely loved them, had a hand-made stuffed toy of them and was inspired by their struggle to keeping fighting her own and wasn’t the villain supposed to have ethics? The entire bar is witness to this big bad villain getting scolded by some bookish nobody a foot shorter than them.

When the volunteer is done, the villain calmly knocks back their drink, grips the volunteers shoulder and drags them outside. The bar’s patrons assume that person will never be seen again, the volunteer included. But once they’re outside, the villain apologises for their assumption, asks for the kid’s details so they can drop by in the near future, not saying when for obvious reasons. They also give the very relieved volunteer a phone number to call if someone asks for them again.

A week later, the little girl’s room is covered in villain merchandise, several expensive and clearly stolen gifts and she is happily clutching a stack of signed polaroids of her and the villain.

The next time a kid asks to meet a villain, guess who gets that assignment?

Turns out, the first villain was quite touched by the experience of meeting their little fan, and word has gotten around. The second villain happily agrees when they realise it’s the same volunteer who asked the other guy. Unfortunately, one of the heroes sees the villain entering the kid’s hospital and obviously assumes the worst. They rush in, ready to drag the villain out, but the volunteer stands in their way. The hero spends five minutes getting scolded for trying to stop the villain from actually doing a good thing and almost ruining the kid’s wish. The volunteer gets a reputation among villains as someone who can not only be trusted with personal contact numbers but who will do everything they can to keep law enforcement away during their visits.

The volunteer has a phonebook written in cypher of all the villain’s phone numbers, with asterixes next to the ones to call if any other villains give them trouble.

sliding the metal cover on floppy disks

the slight resistance of inserting cassette and video tapes

ripping off the strips of holed paper off of dot matrix printer paper 

Unkinking the curly cord of a telephone while you talked

The -peww sound and slowly fading image of a crt monitor turning off, and then running your finger through the static on the dusty glass

The crunch of opening or closing a plastic Disney vhs cover

The sound effects in kidpix

So summer so far has been very rough on me. I have until August 13th to move out, and I’ve found a place but I really need to get both the deposit in and to pay back the university for a class I failed (thanks, mental breakdowns). I’m looking at a truly terrifying amount of money, but right now I just really need to get things going on housing. I have a job with hours that are constantly in flux and is only done at piece rate, so there’s no way of telling how long it would take me to earn the money I need. The deposit is 375, and the University is 721. I have some headway made, but not nearly enough.

Hence, commissions!

Most comfortable with-

Dragon Age Supernatural Merlin Discworld Lord of the Rings I’m more than willing to write whatever you like.  Toss the rare ships this way, every crack idea you ever had and didn’t want to admit to, I’m more than content to write for it.  I’m good with just about every kink there is, but to be on the safe side we’d obviously discuss that before writing started.

I’m also more than willing to do poetry, especially fandom based poetry. Right now I’d like to do things under 3K words, just so that I can have the turn around a little quicker. I’m also more than happy if you want to sponsor a chapter or a sequel to one of my works.

Fanfiction:      1 dollar per hundred words.      That’s it, that’s the list.  It’s pretty straightforward.

Poetry:     1-2 pages: $3     3 + pages: $5

Examples of my some work can be found on Archiveofourown [here].  Go[here] for the short Sunday prompts I’ve done for the Adoribull community, and [here] for poetry.  

boys said no because: i wasn’t pretty i wasn’t small i was too loud i spent too much energy on being funny on because i wouldn’t shut up what a feminazi i wasn’t smart i was too smart for my own good i was always reading i was always busy i was too needy i was too independent i was not who you took home i was too much of a house mom i was perfect and it was scary.

Cus when I look for fandom related stuff like 90% of the fan art and the fanfiction and the meta, zines, comics, etc. Like 90% of the shit that I’ve seen is created by women & girls.

And all that stuff take’s a lot of work and research and critical analysis and staring at reference photos for hours.

Female fandom is creative. Females create fanart, cosplay, fanwritings. Female fandom ALTERS canon, for the simple reason that canon does not serve female fandom. In order for it to fit the ‘outsider’ (female, queer, POC), the canon must be attacked and rebuilt, and that takes creation.

“Male” fandom devalues this contribution to fandom, because it is not the ‘right’ kind of fandom. “Girls only cosplay for attention, they’re not REAL fans!” “Fanfiction is full of stupid Mary Sues, girls only do it so they can make out with the main character!” “I, a male artist, have done this pin-up work and can put it in my portfolio! You, a female artist, have drawn stupid fanart, and it’s not appropriate to use as a professional reference!”

In the mind of people who decry the ‘fake geek girl,’ this fandom is not as worthy. It damages, or in their mind, destroys the canon. What is the point of memorizing every possible romantic entanglement of heterosexual white Danny Rand if someone turns around and creates a fanwork depicting him as a bisexual female of Asian descent (thus subverting Rand’s creepy ‘white savior’ origins)? When Danny Rand becomes Dani Rand, their power is lessened. What is important to them ceases to be the focus of the discussion. Creation and curatorship can work in tandom, but typically, in fandom, they are on opposite poles.

I will now impart all of my profit killing resources onto you, in case you don’t know them. I think most of you know them, now. But just in case you don’t.

THIS IS US-CENTRIC. I’M SORRY. 

1. GoodRx - this thing has an app now, so you can look up the best places to get your expensive medicines at the lowest possible prices without insurance on the go, and you no longer have to print coupons because you can just hand over your phone or tablet. Times have changed for the better with GoodRx. Definitely use it before trying to fill your scrip, because it will tell you the best place to go. (You can do that on the website, too.)

2. NeedyMeds - Needymeds is basically the clearinghouse of drug payment assistance. They have their own discount cards, but also connections to many patient assistance programs run by drug companies themselves. They are good assistance programs, too.

3. Ask your county - This is not a link. This is a pro tip. Most county social services will have pharmacy discount programs for people with no and/or shitty pharmaceutical coverage. You can often just find them hanging around at social services offices; you can just pick one up and walk off with it. 

4. Ordering online - There are a few safe online pharmacies. I keep a little database in a text file on my computer. Most of them are courtesy of CFS forums, my mother or voidbat, so a lot of that is a hat tip to other people, but if you’re in need of a place to get a drug without a prescription … first I’ll make sure you 100% know what you’re doing for safety reasons and then I’m happy to turn over a link. 

5. Healthfinder - A government resource that helps find patient assistance programs in your area. This might also point out the convenient county card thing. RxHope is something a lot of people get pointed to via Healthfinder that’s a good program.

Let’s just remember that she:

- fought and survived THREE wars. - had to deal with the marauders AND Voldemort’s inner circle when they were young. - kept the Weasley twins at bay.  - perfectly managed a school full of teenagers when every year a psychopath tried to kill Harry. - had to bury most of her dearest and brilliant students. - had to deal with the fact she is one of the main reasons why the Death Eaters were really good, she taught them well and then used this knowledge to kill. - spent months living in constant mortal peril when Snape was headmaster and never cared about her safety, her main concern were her students. - HAD TO ALWAYS FIX DUMBLEDORK STUPID MISTAKES BECAUSE HE HAD NO CLUE ABOUT HOW TO MANAGE A SCHOOL AND ALWAYS KEPT HER IN THE DARK UNTIL THE SHIT HIT FAN THEN IT WAS HER RESPONSABILITY TO SAVE THE DAY. - was only “defeated” once and it was because she was fighting against FOUR Aurors when they tried to arrest Hagrid.  - was feared and respected even by the Death Eaters and the corrupted Ministry of Magic.  - classy dealt with Dolores Umbridge even when her career was in danger.

Do you really think she would be scared of a bunch of kids just for their last name?!

Come on! She will be like “Finally! I was getting really bored”.

Those children are so not ready for Minerva “McBadass” McGonagall.

But still interested in feeding yourself? What if I told you that there’s a woman with a blog who had to feed both herself and her young son…on 10 British pounds ($15/14 Euro) per week?

Let me tell you a thing.

This woman saved my life last year. Actually saved my life. I had a piggy bank full of change and that’s it. Many people in my fandom might remember that dark time as when I had to hock my writing skills in exchange for donations. I cried a lot then. 

This is real talk, people: I marked down exactly what I needed to buy, totaled it, counted out that exact change, and then went to three different stores to buy what I needed so I didn’t have to dump a load of change on just one person. I was already embarrassed, but to feel people staring? Utter shame suffused me. The reasons behind that are another post all together. 

AgirlcalledJack.com is run by a British woman who was on benefits for years. Things got desperate. She had to find a way to feed herself and her son using just the basics that could be found at the supermarket. But the recipes she came up with are amazing. 

You have to consider the differing costs of things between countries, but if you just have three ingredients in your cupboard, this woman will tell you what to do with it. Check what you already have. Chances are you have the basics of a filling meal already. 

Here’s her list of kitchen basics. 

Bake your own bread. It’s easier than you think. Here’s a list of many recipes, each using some variation of just plain flour, yeast, some oil, maybe water or lemon juice. And kneading bread is therapeutic. 

Make your own pasta–gluten free. 

She gets it. She really does. This is the article that started it all. It’s called “Hunger Hurts”.

She has vegan recipes.

A carrot, a can of kidney beans, and some cumin will get you a really filling soup…or throw in some flour for binding and you’ve got yourself a burger. 

Don’t have an oven or the stove isn’t available? She covers that in her Microwave Cooking section. 

She has a book, but many recipes can be found on her blog for free. She prices her recipes down to the cent, and every year she participates in a project called “Living Below the Line” where she has to live on 1 BP per day of food for five days. 

Things improved for me a little, but her website is my go to. I learned how to bake bread (using my crockpot, but that was my own twist), and I have a little cart full of things that saved me back then, just in case I need them again. She gives you the tools to feed yourself, for very little money, and that’s a fabulous feeling. 

Tip: Whenever you have a little extra money, buy a 10 dollar/pound/euro giftcard from your discount grocer. Stash it. That’s your super emergency money. Make sure they don’t charge by the month for lack of use, though.

I don’t care if it sounds like an advertisement–you won’t be buying anything from the site. What I DO care about is your mental, emotional, and physical health–and dammit, food’s right in the center of that.