Do It For Big Boss

platonic third base: when you get to know someone well enough that they start making mortifyingly specific observations about you

yesterday i was chilling with my friend and there was an ice cream van outside and every time the jingle played i'd look out the window and after the third time i did this my friend said, accurately, 'i think you want to get ice cream but you're scared of the ice cream man.' devastating

Geological horror. You find a geode and crack it open and the crystal lining its walls is human blood that can't be genetically matched to anyone. You find a human skeleton but every one of the bones is made from rock, a rock that you know can't be whittled into those shapes. You find layers of clay and loam that sport ancient fossils at the top and the still-rotting corpses of modern animals at the bottom.

This reminds me of the blood river in Antarctica. For like a century scientists had no clue why this river looked like, acted like, and felt exactly like blood. Turns out it’s just really high in iron.

this river would look so peaceful next to a children's h--- *gunshot*

there should be a job called puzzle solver where you solve puzzles and get paid a living wage . i would be so good at it.

objectifying men in armor will literally never get old. like, work it shiny boy. hit ‘em with that old razzle dazzle you fuckin trash can. hottie! (tucks $5 into your cuirass) 

Throws in some gold coins at the neck opening and hear it rattling all the way down.

trying to teach a princess about revolutions and she excitedly asks me what her role in it will be and i have to look away sadly

Cecil, shut the fuck up

*thinking so hard about my oc*

terribly charmed by my sibling sending me a voice message that just said “i just always take ibuprofen at the wrong time. i had a headache all afternoon, from three to eight pm and then i took an ibuprofen half an hour before the headache went away! i could have just saved an ibuprofen!”

i dont give a FUCK any more man this has gone TOO far i'm deleting ALL the exclamation points from my work emails. that's right. i hope you have a good weekend. and no more than that

youre never alone. bacteria

God forbid Chippy do anything

“>:O”