When people get pregnant, they will give up smoking, give up alcohol, give up coffee and soda, give up fondue and raw cheese, give up cold cuts and sushi, all because they have heard somewhere, from someone, that these things can be bad for the baby. They don’t know the research, haven’t looked at the studies, can’t talk about sample sizes and control groups. But their dedication to their future child’s safety is so strong, their caution is so overpowering, that they give up these things just in case.
So it baffles me when those same people will insist on spanking their kids.
Even when they are shown the research.
Regardless of what the experts in the field say.
No matter who says it.
Or how it is said.
People are so invested in this ability to hit their kids without judgement or consequence, that it absolutely confounds me.
I’m just going to say this- if you come on this post, which specifically critiques spanking children, ignore all the links which provide evidence for why spanking is bad, and argue that you either DO or WILL spank your own children -
You are either an intentionally bad parent and/or a deeply damaged child.
We can forgive our parents for fucking up in their ignorance and acting out on their own damage. You don’t have to condemn them or hate them for it. They loved us, and they weren’t perfect.
But you are your own person and you have an obligation to be better.
I think most people agree that hitting a baby hard enough to make them cry is not OK. In fact, you could be brought up on abuse charges for it. Non-consensually hitting an adult hard enough to make them cry is illegal as well; it’s assault/battery.
So why do some people believe that there is there some nebulous age in which it’s perfectly OK to hit someone hard enough to make them cry? Someone who is too young and too small to even defend themselves against you? Someone who you are supposed to protect?
“When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor’s wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn’t believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking–the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, “Mama, I couldn’t find a switch, but here’s a rock that you can throw at me.”
All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child’s point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery–one can raise children into violence.“
- Astrid Lindgren, Never Violence
That nebulous age is “old enough to have done something to “deserve” corporal punishment but too young/vulnerable to hit back.” This child did something I didn’t like and instead of being a parent I’m going to traumatize it right out of them.
Babies are entirely helpless, we can’t manipulate them into behaving a certain way (mostly) but once a child is old enough to have their behavior shaped by an adult its easier to just hit than have to deal with the reality that sometimes being a parent means dealing with things you don’t like, because just like that baby, children can’t help the things they do.
Parents that strike children were never taught how to cope with their emotions. That’s what it comes down to.
Timmy is having a temper tantrum, something must be very distressing to have a person acting this way. Lets try and figure out what’s wrong with Timmy and then we can fix it and come up with better ways of dealing with it instead of having a temper tantrum.
Timmy’s parents take ten minutes to discover Timmy’s major melt down was his sock felt funny in his shoe. Timmy’s parents teach Timmy to tell them these things in the future instead of getting upset first. Everyone goes home happy.
Meanwhile, Peter’s parents can’t handle Peter having emotions and needs that aren’t absolutely immediately obvious and since Peter is just a tot he can’t simply explain his predicament to his parents.
His parents have never learned how to communicate with anyone about their needs and emotions and so their own override their child’s. Let us strike Peter and he will learn that temper tantrums will not be tolerated. Peter shuts up but his problems are never solved.
But his parents go home happy.
Peter needs therapy in the future to unpack a Lifetime of Oppressed Emotions.
I hate to break it to parents sometimes, but unfortunately, your entire point is to make sure that child is the most functional adult it can be. How do you do that? By letting them act like children now, so they don’t act like children later.
My grandmother once told me why she was so anti-spanking, both as a parent and as a social worker:
The only times she could remember being spanked were times when she was absolutely certain she was being unfairly punished. The only lesson you can learn from that is not one parents mean to teach you. And as a very much older woman stubborning her way through life, she is to this day pissed.
