Being kidnapped and held for ransom was nothing new to Bruce. Neither was the occasional torture, that happened from time to time, too. In fact he had already been kidnapped and tortured twice earlier this year. Maybe they thought "third times the charm" in regards to getting that ransom money?
Although, Bruce hadn't known which faction had taken him this time or why. They had appeared out of nowhere and shoved him into a blacked out van quite precisely enough. But he did notice the group seemed a little new to hostage situations. Or at least he hadn't seen these guys before, and they came off as a little jumpy now that they were at the hideout.
Especially now that they appeared to have come to the torture part.
The two men in front of him nodded at each other and then one disappeared out of view and came back into the dainty little abandoned room they were holed up in with what looked like some ice cream cone shaped object.
Or at least, it just took that silhouette at first. When Goon #1 got closer, Bruce noticed it looked a hell of a lot like an actual ice cream cone. With the ice cream and all?
"Eat it." The guy said, face behind the baklava serious.
"Is this....poisoned?" Bruce asked, trying to gain some more info on what exactly they were planning to do to him, in case he needed to be ready for any adverse effects once the cavalry appeared.
"No? Why would we--Just eat it. Use your teeth, chew."
Well....this wasn't the worst thing to have gone down in his lifetime of being tortured, but it was certainly the weirdest. He assessed the cold treat being held in front of his face with a raised brow.
Fuck it, why not, he's got nothing but time anyway. Might as well see where this goes...
He opened his mouth and took a bite of the ice cream cone offered. Plain jane vanilla, creamy and smooth. He preferred to let the creamy sugar treat melt in his mouth but the goons seemed to want him to chew it like a ice cream sandwich, so he did.
He wasn't expecting the goons to look upon him in horror, faces dropping to the floor.
"Oh god...?" One of them started cringing, turning away. "Ugh, I can't look!"
"How the fuck are you---ahhh shitshitshitshit, you ate it so unbothered?"
He swallowed the treat, looked at them curiously, then asked, "So when do the side effects kick in? Just wanna get a rough estimate."
"Side effects!? You aren't feeling it now?"
"...This soon?" Was it a neurotoxin? Bruce did a check of his faculties, and he felt fine thus far.
The goon's jaw dropped as Bruce shrugged at him.
"Dude, aren't your teeth like, seriously hurting right now?"
"No?" Did they put fiberglass in the ice cream? Yeah, that would be awfully fucked up in terms of agony but Bruce wasn't in any pain so far. Maybe they forgot? "Am I supposed to be?"
"Yes! For the love of god--"
Bruce just shook his head and mildly snapped out, "Okay, someone explain to me what's supposed to be going on here? Walk me through this."
"The cold!? The pain!?" Goon #2 shrieked, looking like they were jittering uncomfortably from one foot to the other just thinking about whatever they were expecting to happen. "You bit into the ice cream, how the hell are you not sufffering?"
Oh. They thought he was...?
"I....I don't have sensitive teeth?" Bruce offered, and looked between the now-dumbfounded goons.
"What?" Goon #1 said, voice small.
They then looked at each other, bewildered.
Bruce only blinked at them and wrapped his mind around their logic. "Did you think I did?"
"Doesn't...like, everyone?" Goon #2 asked.
"No." Bruce confirmed, watching the two deflate in real time. "But I do recommend you go to a dentist for that?
The both of them seemed defeated, shoulders down. One walked off to the side and kicked the bucket they'd brought to sit on. The other just sat down on the floor with their face in their hands.
"Damn, the fuck are we gonna do now?"
"I dunno, man. I thought everyone had it! Only psychopaths would bite into ice cream and feel nothing!"
"Just a small question, if I may?" Bruce chimed in, getting reserved looks from the goons in response.
"Shoot." The one on the floor said after a hand wave and a moment of contemplation.
"Was this...all you had planned?" Bruce crossed his legs as they hadn't bothered to tie them up, and leaned back as much as his tied up arms would allow in the chair. "You were going to torture me for money or something, right?"
The goons hadn't been very specific on that part. Ransom wasn't mentioned yet but that's the only thing Bruce could think of that the two goons even wanted? They seemed woefully unprepared to just torture for fun?
"Well, yeah man. Like...Jamie can't do blood, so....we thought it was a good idea?"
Bruce watched the two as they sulked, Goon #2--Jamie--chastizing the other for using his real name. The poor ice cream cone forgotten to the side.
He kinda felt bad about it. Like, they were clearly trying their best here but...Bruce hadn't been in a situation like this before. Should he pretend the next time that it actually was painful? It might make them feel a little better about their attempt at least?
Or maybe he could just tell them what do to? Walk them through it? Give them something to go off of that works but is the least likely to do anything other than hurt a bit, nothing that would cause long term damage anyway. Or would they be even more horrified about Bruce Wayne, resident himbo billionaire, telling them what torture tactics work best?
No, no. Bad plan. Instead he just sat there and watched the goons sulk in front of him.
Then Jaime brightened up for a moment and offered, "What if, like, we make him drink something hot afterwards?"
"Like...coffee or tea or something?"
The nameless goon shook his head. "If the cold didn't do anything, what makes you think hot stuff will? Also, we don't have anything like that. Just the cold food stuff, like the ice cream."
Jamie deflated once more and went back to kicking dust bunnies.
Bruce briefly wondered if this was what it was like for Clark during hostage situations. Weighing how much to act into it and how much to not, watching his captors try in vain to do something that would actually bother the man, but nothing worked. Except his situation was reversed. This wasn't an acting problem or having super strength and nigh invulnerability. Just an incompetent goon skill issue.
"Can I ask, because you haven't been very clear on this thus far, why you are both trying to torture me?"
Jaime hummed, "Well....now that I think about it... it's kinda stupid?"
"Is it?" Bruce prodded, "Explain it to me?"
"Well we wanted to get you to donate to this little place on the east end. Our favorite 'lil mom and pop shop is gonna close soon."
Bruce wrapped his mind around that statement. "Gabriella's?"
"I like their pasta. Heard they had some issues from the flooding recently so they were closing down for now, and weren't sure if they would be able to afford the cost of the repairs plus the remodel, right?"
Bruce paused and tried to find the right words to break it to them gently, "You....you could have simply asked?"
"...What?" Jamie said, crestfallen.
"We have a request form for charity donations at my company? You just fill it out with the charity or cause you want to see us contribute to, and then we look into it to see if it's viable and not some scam. Then we donate to it."
"Oh...." Jamie responded just as Goon #1 took off his baklava and threw it on the floor. He seemed awfully pale underneath it. "We....we didn't know that."
"...I take it it's been a rough week for you both?"
Unmasked Goon spoke up, "I haven't slept in about a week, yeah. Neither has Jamie. We were too worked up about the place closin' and all that--"
"What, it's not like we've done a great job so far!?"
"Kevin, we kidnapped one of the nicest guys in town and tried to torture him with ice cream, we are so fucked--"
Bruce only sighed and weighed whether it would be best to just get up and leave. He could have at any time, especially since they hadn't exactly tied him up very securely. How they had pulled off the kidnapping itself was a sheer miracle compared to what they were doing now.
That's when a familiar knock sounded out from the window.
A very recognizable red and blue figure floated out there, looking confused. Probably on whether he should intervene or not. "Can I, uh, come in?"
Jamie and Kevin looked half ready to drop dead, and half ready to start arguing again.
Jamie just opened up the window meekly with a quick, "We are so sorry--"
Then Kevin started arguing with Jaime as Superman flew over to Bruce.
Bruce started off by asking, "How much of this did you hear?"
"Enough to know they're very new to this? Did they...hurt you?" Clark prompted as Bruce just slipped out of his bindings easily and stood, watching the two failed kidnappers devolve into a miserable spat.
"They gave me ice cream?"
Clark stared at Bruce, perplexed. Bruce just nodded at the melting, discarded cone on the floor. Waste of a good treat...
"Yeah they just...well it was kinda like a spa day more than kidnapping." Bruce paused, sighing. "They thought everyone had teeth sensitivities to hot or cold foods?"
"Oh. So they tried to hurt you but ended up....oh."
"Yep." Bruce confirmed, popping the 'p'. "All things considered, this was a small, weird lunch break. I think they can probably be let off the hook this time."
The argument between the goons grew louder in the background, as if they hadn't heard Bruce's words whatsoever.
"Fair enough? I mean...I could see why they thought it might work?" Clark said, gazing upon the two kidnappers nearly bawling on the floor. Something about their lives being over. The usual. "It's not like there's a 'How to Torture 101' class for them to take? Right?"
Bruce decided he wouldn't tell Clark about Jason's pastime on the side. He'd had enough excitement for one day.
