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detaching from the dad situation again because he ♥ looks like he is dying. the doctors havent assured us hes Not, though his insurance is saying he is well enough to come home. (he does not plan to do this until he is further in his rehab, because hes only just recently gotten sturdy enough to really Do rehab.) hes probably healthier than he looks! but i went a week without seeing him, and in that time it looks like he lost the remainder of the fat on his body, and i ammmm. perhaps more freaked out about it than i think i am. idk. ive kind of not been thinking at all, about the situation, other than trying to support and encourage mom about making phone calls re: their on again off again insurance situation

im so tired of rehashing what is going ON

his aunt dies, he has a stroke, spends almost 2 months to the day in hospitals. moves to rehab, is removed after like a week or two because he ripped out! his! trach! he is finally saying "yes i pulled it out because i was sick of it"

timeline, timeline. middle of may . his feeding tubes were messing up and coming loose. found out there was a thing that he was supposed to be wearing around his stomach to keep it secured and god it only just now struck me thats probably why his food drip is coming off again. they took it off of him and keep not putting it back on him, probably.

idk! i should read about peoples peg tube experiences but i am also so squeamish that i almost faint. it is so . so stupidly inconvenient to not have a stomach for these things. whatever.

skipped work wednesday because mom was panicking about how weak he sounded on the phone (he did sound very weak. it is hard to tell when this is because theyve re-upped his anxiety meds or when it is because his health is taking another turn for the worse.) and i went WITH her to the rehab/nursing home/skilled nursing facility, which is "supposed" to have hospital level care but does not, actually, and is constantly enacting medical neglect that leaves me stunned and horrified. what do you mean he has a yeast infection on his ass and you are making him wait an hour, two hours, to get changed.

like is it not Literal medical neglect. to do or , like. to actively NOT do, a baseline of care that would prevent further issues. whatever. i cant think about it or i get mad because hes not the only person in this situation and it isnt JUST happening to him. issue so big and upsetting that it actively shuts my brain down.

triggered over other stuff as well, whatever, deleting paragraphs and paragraphs of circling the drain trying to pin down WHAT it is that is making me so crazy but its a lot of things interconnecting and weaving together in some big stupid tapestry

im spinning my wheels fucking. writing novels on my feelings on a situation when those feelings and fears or whatever are just.

mental exercises rather than anything productive? i dont knOWWWW(giving up and whining)

^ yesterday

today we got the update that he didnt pee for like 24 hours and they got a scan of his bladder and it was overly full and im just. ^_________^ man.

i dont know. i dont know!! its sad and its frustrating

and i feel like a terrible person bc he gets big and loud but he isnt big anymore. hes tall but hes frail. and hes more or less bedbound, unless they put him in a wheelchair. and it makes my head spin to see the guy who fucking used to break down my door in This position

its the cognitive dissonance or .. just. the mental strain of two things being true, which is i still hate him and would wipe my hands of him if i could, and, wow. this is such a shitty situation. im sorry that hes in it, because i hate for anyone to be in it

its twice now that the staff have seen him with a cup for spitting in and and because it was not one of the translucent ones, have written off serious medical things like "oh this is happening bc hes sneaking coffee 🤭 you know how he likes to twist the truth!"

which. is vexing. because he does do that! but it is a terrible position to be in where you know he does this but not with That and have his fucking. caretakers!! being like oh lol hes dramatic and lying you know how he is

because he is dramatic and he DOES lie but you are a medical professional and this is supposed to be a fuckingggg medical care facility, at least sort of, and you are not on your patients side

but its like. >i understand not being on his side, because he is STILL an asshole< but also >he is sick and injured and needs so much help< and it just. AAAA

they werent bathing his feet! they still dont bathe his feet consistently! one of his caretakers has lied at least once about him not having any clean clothes left and made him wear a hospital gown again, because she did not feel like changing his clothes

like.

there is a point in my life where i would have felt some kind of karmic relief at knowing the suffering he has inflicted on other people has come back to him but at This point in my life its just upsetting and sad.

hes earned some of it. but without that kind of personal vendetta, the baseline expectation of care and respect for another persons health and autonomy and just. basic fucking >this is your job< ness of it is

aaaaa

should i be heading over every day? and just checking on him? there is not a lot i can do. i am squeamish, i am too weak to support him physically and even then i Shouldnt because of the liability of making a mistake but its also like weeeelllll . the people being paid to take care of him are not doing so. and i know hes not the only resident and i know they are stretched thin but . youre really not even washing his fucking feet!!!! you arent listening when he says he isnt peeing, and it takes my mother calling in to voice Her concern for his wellbeing for something to be done!!!!!!!!!

angry and unsure how much of this is anything i can do something about. because it isnt just him and reporting the situation wont do much but earn ire and lessen their already short handedness and it is just. so much

i need to go to bed but im!!!!!!!! sick and disheartened. AND i have my period for the first time in 14 months and its sapping my strength and it is just so . so so sucks. it sucks.

need my mother to help me with getting the house prepared but she is also stressed out and burnt out and we are both just riding the fucking highs and lows of not knowing what to do and it is so frustratingly ineffective to live like that!!!!!!!!! i was managing for a bit but every time i see him and it becomes more apparent that he is just slowly wasting away it is like..

it just. speechless. no words. terrible terrible terrible. girl who has been sheltered from death and illness her whole life <-

ive never watched someone grow old. and this isnt even him aging its him sick and dying(maybe) . ive seen my mother ill but she bounced back from her cancer so so well. idk. idk

my head hurts and im so embarrassed to even talk about any of this publicly because its like well what if im stupid and ignorant and im upset about things that everyone else already has dealt with and im mad about a nothingburger situation. what if my expectations are too high (they are not.) or what if i sound neglectful for not already doing more. whatever. whateverrr whatever im upset and jumping rapidly between the hot coals of "this is so upsetting!" and freezing cold "i literally cannot do anything here"