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And you'll be like, "That sounds bad." And she'll be like, "No no. It's totally not that bad. It's just a meme. Men say it too. Like if a man does something silly he'll be like, 'I am like those women who do not deserve to vote.'" And you'll be like, "Does that make it better?" And she'll be like, "Well there was one guy who tried to make 'Men shouldn't vote' a popular meme. But it never caught on and also he got yelled at a lot."

similarly: this woman rejects all the men who express interest in her and seems exhausted by the whole affair: is she a lesbian? aro and/or ace? trans? bi or straight but with standards that no one has canonically met? someone who values her autonomy and knows how much that will be curtailed if she gets married? unless the text is very explicit about her reasoning, we don't know, and it could again be any of the above or a combination.

now, sometimes the text *is* very explicit and people still ignore it. I see this very commonly with ace and/or aro characters where fandom loves to ignore the character's own stated feelings and preferences to make them more shippable. this sucks. or there's instances where a character has an opposite-sex love interest and people really let their misogyny show by claiming that she never really mattered and you can/should completely ignore that relationship and not make it a part of your character analysis. this also sucks.

*trots over to you with a pinecone gift* do you wanna be friends…..

May I present the best apple:

It is possible to find both sapphic SFF and M/M fantasy. It is significantly harder to find, say, aro urban fantasy. Or trans romantic suspense. Or intersex mystery.

A lot of the advice above only really works for trad published or popular books and for identities/subgenres/content that aren't too niche.

So here's some advice if the advice above isn't working for you (either because you can't find books with what you want or because the books you are finding don't end up being the vibe you want), from someone who reads a few hundred books a year:

Find websites or lists dedicated to the specific thing you are looking for. They will generally have more variety and will post you to examples that don't show up in regular rec lists. (ex: aro book recs, ace book recs, intersex #ownvoices database, sapphic books). Goodreads lists can (sometimes) also be your friend.

Get comfortable reading self-published and small press books. Trad publishing has its blind spots.

Check Reddit for recommendations

Start figuring out what it is specifically that you like and then start making your searches more specific. This can be subgenre (if you want urban fantasy, you're rarely going to find it just searching "fantasy"), tropes, plot devices, vibes, etc.

Look at the "readers also bought" on Goodreads/Amazon, similar books on Storygraph, etc. if you read a book you like. Even if you don't end up reading the one you click on, it can show you similar authors (similar to looking at the blurb on a cover), especially because far fewer books have blurbs now.