Money..... Oy. Money.... eep. Money.... sigh. All beliefs I currently hold about money. Money is a source of energy. Itâs also a way to freedom in our society. Some people hold strong beliefs about money; both positively and negatively. My beliefs have held me back from achieving some of my desires in life.
Ok, Iâm just gonna lay it out, Iâm mad about money, and not in a good way. I donât have enough of it, Iâm aggravated by it, the lack of it hinders my freedom and creative progress. And Iâm bitter about it. All energies I put on money. Doesnât really leave a lot of room for change, or growth, and definitely doesnât aid in getting to the solutions I need, to get more of it. Iâve been pretty resolute; money, is a pain, in my culo. Well, it has been, cause I believe it.
Iâm currently unemployed. I worked in the entertainment industry professionally here in Chicago for about a solid 15 years, and before that Iâve basically done every minimum wage job under the sun. I started working at age 11, at my grandparents restaurant. I was taught to work. I didnât want to. I was considered lazy by some, and an irresponsible kid by others. I was fired from a lot of my jobs for lack of good job performance and lack of interest before I was legal.
I worked at both jewel and osco (a combo grocery store and drugstore chain in the Midwest).I think I quit jewel, I worked there pushing carts in the parking lot and bagging when I was 15. I got a workers permit. I used to sit in the bins in the basement at osco. I would sing, and swing my legs. I was supposed to be bringing up supplies and refacing the merchandise on the shelves. I did it, sometimes. I got fired from there. They showed me the footage.
I was also fired from being an ice cream scooper at Petersenâs ice cream (well, it was like more laid off) but I think it was because I sampled all the ice cream every shift prior to work, plus I ate the extras, and my scoops for people were entirely too big, bordering on ridiculous. That was probably a good reason to be laid off. I didnât think so, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise, because I had gained 16-20lbs working there (depending on what I decide when I tell this story...). They said Iâd get sick of the ice cream after awhile. I never did. Dammit.
I went from job to job, place to place, trying to fit into society, and get paid in some honest capacity. I couldnât afford to continue college (my parents were kind enough to pay for part of my associates degree, but I couldnât afford the tuition of the 4 year I transfered to) so I quit school, started waiting tables, and eventually acting.
I liked acting. Itâs something I had done since I was little. My maâs side of the family called me, little Sarah Bernheart, after one of the first literal drama queens ever. I sang on the potty when I was really little. One of my favorite songs was the Busch beer commercial. đśif youâve got the time, weâve got the beer!đś I was around 4 or 5, so I started my career early, of potty singing is a career. I got paid in love, and attention, and acceptance.
I used to dance at the moose lodge with my grandparents and entertain all of their friends. I didnât come from an entertainment family. We were middle class people, both sides came from italian decent, with the exception of my grandpa on my dads side. He was adopted, so weâre not entirely sure. My grandparents were a huge part of my life, and they were models for me as far as money was concerned. Hard workers, regular joes, working as hard as they could to make ends meet. They stretched the dollar til it sang moon river, but we always had everything we needed.
My original parents are divorced. My dad graduated college, and worked. My dad remarried (to my other mom) who also worked. & my Ma, also worked. Work was all around me. Work, and earn and try and earn more money. It costs money to live. It costs money to get the stuff you want. Thatâs life, and how society is set up. You learn a trade, or you go to school and you study hard, and graduate and are eligible for the job. You have a bachelors, a masters, a PhD. NOW you can be something, because now you are certified to do so. This is how I view success, and money. Basically a glass ceiling, unobtainable goal. My bad, but Iâm being honest. I didnât quite fit into that mold.
I worked pretty solid for years, from gig to gig. I self studied. Lots of classes. Shakespeare, Pinter, acting, improv, voice lessons, dance, on-camera classes to get to know casting agents, headshots, etc. everything one should do if theyâre serious about their craft. So, âit takes money to make moneyâ and âyou have to invest in yourselfâ, all of this, also my beliefs. I had a hard time with it. I did all of this, to be better, and to get more work, but I was breaking even sometimes. You have to work to join the unions, but in order to get union jobs, you have to book them. The life of an actor. Everyone whoâs in the arts has experienced this. So, depending on your nest egg, your experiences and subsequent perception of the business can vary. I wasnât a saver. I was a âpaycheck to paycheckâ kind of a gal. I also, didnât book a ton. And my sense of self, got way too wrapped up in that fact. I quit, about 17 years later, to have a family.
I was pretty low and depressed when I quit acting. I had had some ânot so fantastic but enlightening in retrospectâ experiences with people in the industry, probably due in part to my attitude not being so great by the time I decided to be done. So I sat around a lot, Kinda like Iâm doing now, and i thought about my supposed failures, and where to go next creatively.
I also loved design which was something I could do easily on my own time while I was a mom. I self studied a ton, read a lot of books, and redid our home, on the cheap, in a lot of the design styles I loved and was inspired by. My focus changed from performing to visual 3d interior design.
One evening I ended up going with my husband to a Kickstarter meet and greet. Kickstarter is an online, crowd funding platform. He had done a successful kickstarter campaign, and we decided to go to try and network with people, not either of our fortes truth be told. We stood there, staring at one another until I realized that we could do the same at home. So I said, âok, the next person that walks through that door, weâre talking to, no matter what!â That person turned out to be a very cool visual artist/interior designer named Alyssa Miserendino, and she asked me to help her source furniture and other home accessories for her within the first 5 minutes of meeting her. She was, and probably still is, fantastic. I appreciate her taking a chance on me.
I worked with Alyssa for a few years, and she went off to go to graduate school in another state. But before she left, she gave me all of her clients. She put trust in me. She knew my background, but also knew that I had what it took to design, and to coordinate projects, and I was off and rolling. She is an extremely intuitive woman, and very cool. I was a nervous wreck.
My first client was excellent. It was a complete gut and rehab of the kitchen and bathroom rental condo. It looked gorgeous at the end, and I wanted custody so I could visit and enjoy how it turned out. I went on with other clients by word of mouth, some repeat customers, but I never knew how to advertise or continue.
All of these jobs were cool, but they didnât exactly fulfill my complete creative itch. They were aspects of the whole of me. When I was acting people used to yell because Iâd mess with the wigs, and my wardrobe, and be concerned about the look of the production as a whole. That shouldâve been my first clue that acting wasnât exactly completely cutting it. I went from thing to thing to thing... when I was designing I was designing for other peopleâs lives, and sensibilities. Still rewarding, but I like what I like too. I want to create from the ground up, according to what I appreciate and want.
I say all of this, because how I felt about myself... was that I was a fraud. I wasnât, but I felt that way. I wasnât ever formally trained. I didnât have my 4 year degree. I had an associates in liberal arts, but I wasnât afffiliared with anyone or any school, so I felt, alone. I carried that alone feeling, that feeling of being separate and not included throughout my entire career. I was a loner. Not a great thing to be when you rely on other people to book you for work. And I always wanted to be a success, independent, the bread winner for the family. The one that made good even when no one ever had done it in the arts in my family before. But I didnât. I married. I tried to do it, but I didnât achieve what I wanted to. And thatâs how I felt about myself, and my beliefs about my ability to be independent and make money, all played a key role in where Iâm at now.... Iâm currently sitting on my chair, and writing honestly, about my past, about my feelings, and about how I felt like I have failed, me.
Writing is an escape for me. It is a blank canvas where anything is possible, and anything goes (not the musical, but myself). I can write about mountains and desert terrains, but I wonât probably, because I donât know shit about that, but I do know where Iâve been, and where I want to go. And my self study all of these years whether I realized it or not, was me. I have finally decided to be ok, with not being something. I am writing, to gain clarity and to share my experiences in hopes that others are inspired. Or, Iâm writing specifically for me, it changes from day to day. All I know, is Iâm here, now, writing.
The passing of time is an interesting way to determine ones life. You were born, you did stuff, you knew people, you die. Not exactly the most uplifting way of looking at it, but the details are what makes it either good or bad, depending on your POV. And my point of view about my past, and my career to date, has been pretty dismal and not very fair to me.
I consider myself a creator. I have written, sang, danced, acted, modeled, designed, drawn, and painted. I have shared my talents with the world in only the way I can. I have written about my life, and others lives, and presented them in interesting and unique ways. I am a person worthy of love. So, Iâve proven it. But my bank account doesnât reflect it.
What have I done wrong? Why am I not a success? Why am I not riding on a golden stallion on a beach with a tiara and jewels and a flowing gown with people throwing roses at my feet? Well, because, Iâd be mortified if that was happening. I hate being the center of attention sometimes. So you see, the universe, in its infinite wisdom, gives what you want whether you know what you want or not, and thereâs a reason why things you may think you want arenât happening. Although the concept of all that horse grandeur and accolades and public acceptance is cool, in practice for me personally itâs a âno thank youâ.
Iâve developed into quite the introvert over the years. And with my change, my needs and wants have changed with me. Truth is, I never wanted to ride down a beach on a horse, I donât even know how to ride a horse, and open heights, not my thing, probably another reason that God made me 5â2. I kid, but the universe gives you what you believe. And I havenât believed I was a success, so I made decisions in my career that supported those beliefs whether I knew it consciously or not.
Comfort is important to me. A cozy nest to call my own, a place to hide from humanity and be myself. I am pretty forthcoming online, but in person itâs not the case. I am a bit shy with people I donât know, even though I come off bold sometimes. I am still trying to find where I belong in the world right now, and get past all of the thoughts and memories that have been hanging me out to dry over the years. So, instead Iâm learning to appreciate, and be in the love, and satisfied with what I do have instead of looking at the lack. Cause crap! Itâs a lot of good! And I want to try again with my career, but the truth is, Iâm not quite sure what to go back to. But whatever it is, it definitely wonât be with the same energy that I did it with the first time. I am a more evolved me now. A me Iâm more comfortable with being.
Love, is helping me get there. Life is not always what you planned when you were younger, but it has a way of putting you on the right path if you decide to follow its lead. Iâm new to this path, but better late than never. Iâm deciding to let love rule, as lenny kravitz so aptly put it when I saw his dreads bouncing on stage, cause I was waaaayyy in the back, no money for front row at the Aragon ballroom in Chicago, even though it was general admission, back in â94. Still a great concert, just happy to be included.
Love is how you view it. Love is money, if you view it that way. Love can envelope every subject, every person, every situation if you let it. So let it rule. â¤ď¸
2087
vaporwave
stormborns
kianamaiart
yousharknotpass
izzy806
germansingergirl