The Universal Scat

So often we discuss the idea of, “taking our power back “when someone has been negative to us. And to me, I understand the feeling of why we do that. But as I sit here for the very first time ever I thought about what that implies. And to me that implies that we have given our power to somebody else who is not ourselves, and haven’t given it to our higher selves.

The truth is, our power can never be given over to anyone. The truth is when we feel that loss of power or ability to control ourselves or the authority over ourselves, what is really taking place is that we are not taking responsibility for how we feel; especially in the moments where it seems like we’re giving our power away. Our focus is elsewhere. Our focus is on fear. No one can control the way you feel, think, and believe.

“Taking our power back” is essentially a fear based response. Taking, control, fighting for something, struggle, pushback, resistance, forcing, these are all words and phrases that aren’t used to describe individual internal power. They are used to express helplessness at any point in time, a disconnect from our true source of power and strength. It’s a need to react instead of solidifying one’s personal internal power. And I have experienced enough contrary events on the outside of myself to know that when your personal perception doesn’t change, neither does the outside of you. And the fight becomes futile. Because the fight is always between you and you. It never truly involves anyone else. It’s all in how you see things. The reality is we only need to reconnect with ourselves with alignment. And no one can stop that from happening with the exception of ourselves.

I believe the more productive way to find our individual power is to refocus back on the love that is within us. We would be refocusing on the energy that not only supports us and has our backs, but lifts us up.

I have learned the hard way that fighting for love is not the energy of love. It’s the energy of resistance. And anything that is forceful is not allowance. And arguing with people in the name of love is the opposite of it.

Love works through flow. It is a fountain that regenerates itself over and over again and is never ending. It’s the life force in which we all derive. Love is something that we cannot live without no matter how much and hard you fight against it. And we can reconnect with at any point that we recognize it, and choose it; no force or pushback needed.

This is entitled: The United State of me

By: me

Part 1: outward appearance

Imperfections are something that most people try to hide. Shame, embarrassment, humiliation, emotions that require you to feel less than who you truly are. And we hold ourselves up to these standards and ideals that are virtually impossible to achieve. We tend to compartmentalize the “self”. We don’t always see a person as a whole.

And then we, as a collective, subsequently tend to judge one another mercilessly. We see unsatisfactory superficial segments. We see upper arms, many many chins, scars, rashes, zits, cellulite, glasses, extra layers of fat in inappropriate spots, too much hair in some places and not enough in others, wrinkles, crepe like skin, your nose looks bigger cause your nasal labial folds have dropped down and forward 3-5 inches, blue veiny, dark bags under the eyes, bags under the armpits (boobs 3 & 4 no nips), general aging, sagging, balding, bloated, hairy, old moles, new moles, weird moles and other undefinable marks, birth marks, skin tags, pock marked, wrinkled like a shar pei, barrel chesty, custard (that’s a stupid, uninspired one), body too big for the head, head too big for the body, your head looks like your body grew a wart, super thin that when you turn to the side people say, “hmmm, what’s that? where’d (s)he go?” Then when they turn back you say, “oh, thank goodness, but still a little disturbing….”, too short so I have to wear heels, too tall so people have to use a 20 ft. ladder and a megaphone to have a normal conversation with you, closely related to a hairy Sasquatch, drooping, long boobs, mosquito bites no, literal mosquito bites yes, tattoos that aren’t even decipherable anymore, too curvy, not curvy enough, too asymmetrical to be a plus size model, way too full full full figured to be a runway model, not good or special enough to be a model, beer gut, pickled liver, bow legged, runs like a crazy ostrich, an onion and a piece of crap had a kid and it was you, no ass mo fo, unevenly bulging thighs, stomach, fupas, in need of Zumba’s, Oompa Loompas (specifically their saddle bag accentuating costumes like Ronald McDonald used to wear but they seem pretty satisfied with themselves, as they should, so forget I mentioned them), and dupas, look and smell like a boiled hot dog, ham ass, has more than enough money to do something about it but still looks like a douche, the science of beauty and symmetry is against you, people who are ugly because they rip on you for your run on sentences and general bad grammar… I don’t have the right eyes, the right nose, the right ears, the right mouth, the right teeth, I’m this instead of that color, I’m this instead of that race, I’m this instead of that gender, I’m this instead of that orientation, I’m this instead of that socioeconomic status, I’m this, I’m not that. It’s painful, it’s unnecessary, and it’s a lie.

Because the you that is consciousness isn’t the one judging. The fear based parts of you, are. Even when someone has an opinion, it comes from their own twisted self belief and the judgement that comes from that fear. Psychology 101: when someone judges you harshly, put an “I” in front of their opinion instead of the word “you”.

And for years I’ve bought into this idea that people knew more about me, then I did. I thought maybe they were right. They seem so convicted to their own ignorance. And because of that I had a terrible self esteem that I still struggle with to this day. I still don’t like when people take candid or even posed photograph me because I don’t like what my face looks like in photos, especially when I smile. Ironic, isn’t it?

One can internalize this garbage, especially if you are caught off guard by it, or especially if you hear it every day cause it rolls around in your head. So I’ve decided to allow the harsh criticism to stay with the ones who decided to entertain, embody, and then share that energy. I’ve decided I wanted to redevelop a closer relationship and trust with the person who is truly my best friend, and who has been there with me through it all; and that person is me. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her, no matter what anyone thinks or says. And that she’s way more than her ever changing outward appearance. She is pure light and love.

And I think that she deserves to hear and know that I believe that. And that’s the first step to true freedom, right there.

Happy self Independence Day, everyone. Much love and peace to you all. ❤️

I’ve been gutting some of the drawers in my bedroom today, and listening to Dr. Michael Sugrue discuss Marcus Aurelius and stoicism (see link below), and I’ve come to this conclusion: Having more than enough is entirely too much for me.

Dr. Sugrue was discussing Marcus Aurelius* as being a not only an extremely powerful emperor who was in control of the Roman Empire during his reign, but also an extremely influential leader, choosing to focus on his own personal self improvement rather than the oppression of others. He was a man that could’ve done or had anyone and everything that he ever wanted. But instead of abusing his power, he was a stoic philosopher. And the stoic philosophy, (according to Wikipedia), “…is an ancient Greek and Roman school of thought that teaches resilience, self-mastery, and emotional regulation. Its core principle is the "dichotomy of control": the idea that while you cannot control external events or the actions of others, you have absolute control over your own choices, judgments, and responses.”

So I thought a bit about how that related to me as I was releasing things that I was saving that I didn’t need anymore. Holding onto things because they may be useful later or I have some attachment to them or even had but don’t feel attached to them now is weighing me down. I had the opportunity to choose what meant the most to me, and release what didn’t. I was showing the universe that I wasn’t going to just accept and hold onto everything. That I was discerning about the energy I kept around me. And what I wanted most was to be able to feel good about myself and in my surroundings instead of feeling overwhelmed and burdened by my belongings.

And that lead me to think about what’s really important to me, and not Marcus Aurelius, because he had pretty strict and structured guidelines of his personal conduct, and nature, and how he felt about people and himself, but for me personally, it all starts ends with the feeling of love. And that feeling doesn’t come through any tangible form. I decide internally to allow that feeling or not.

Spreading the love is the most anyone can have, the most abundant and prosperous one can be. But some people don’t value others, or even themselves in this way. They see outside form and the collection of it to be the most precious thing. But being a pack rat about love and withholding or measuring it as a way to control people and situations is the fastest way to not benefit from it.

But if you can cultivate it from within and give it away freely, it never runs out it regenerates and multiplies and spreads in magical ways that will help others as well as yourself. It’s a win for all who encounter it and allow it in.

And if allow yourself to find the value in love, it’s always there for the choosing; and there is no better feeling in the world. And isn’t that what we look for the acquisition of form to do in the first place? Help us to feel good? But the greatest part about the feeling of love is it’s free, and it’s worth, and yours with or without it, is completely up to you.

* Marcus Aurelius was Roman emperor from 161 to 180 and a Stoic philosopher. He was a member of the Nerva–Antonine dynasty, the last of the rulers later known as the Five Good Emperors and the last emperor of the Pax Romana, an age of relative peace, calm, and stability for the Roman Empire lasting from 27 BC to 180 AD. He served as Roman consul in 140, 145, and 161.

I swear, with the advent of filters, I’ve basically forgotten what I look like. It doesn’t matter much, for a lot of reasons. One major one is because we age, so most of us subtly change over time. Another reason is that we see the mirrored image of ourselves in mirrors, so that’s not how others see you. And another is that when we get our photo taken, it’s not only a snapshot of a moment not necessarily how you look the majority of the time, but it’s usually taken through a digital lens camera that adjusts the image and contrast and lighting with its concept of how many pixels it would take to make the image more extreme than it would be if you’re experiencing a person in person. Or it has a fish eyed lens that pulls the image on the sides in a distorted way. Kinda takes all the human out of the human experience sometimes if you really stop to analyze it. Not experiencing a person as they truly are.

First impressions do that too. You never know how you’re going to come off to someone due to their past experiences with people, and the current energy between the people or the group. You could remind them of a person they knew at camp that ate too many hotdogs and threw up in their shoes.

Or, worse yet, you could be on a crap mood when you meet someone when they come soliciting to your door past 7pm at night when you’re in your exercise clothing, and didn’t give them a chance to talk, and then yell that you have to go cause you’re basically naked (in skimpy exercise gear), point to your boobs, and proceed to slam the door in their face. And other similar events that took place like that. Then, maybe, but you can’t be sure but probably, you think that that’s why no one invited or even notified you about the block party. It’s been known to happen….

First impressions are tough to get over when you do things like that. I literally don’t know most of the people on my block. And it doesn’t help that I don’t go outside often unless I’m in and out of the car in my driveway, so there’s not a huge opportunity to meet people on the street. And the majority of the families moved in during covid, so the window of opportunity to meet them and welcome them to the neighborhood in a timely manner closed pretty quickly.

I guess the take away from all of this could be that maybe you should put your Italian temper in check, and see what you look like before you interact with people, even though when you don’t come to the door because you’re in no position to receive, they keep pounding on the door and in some cases our freakin front window too. Thank you for that!

On the flip side, we’ve recently had a ton of solicitors come to the house that I have been kind to, waaaayyyyy overstep my boundaries. They’ve come to the door at all hours time and time again, one time the same guy came back 4 times, once during a semi stressful party with 20 or so teenagers in attendance. And he didn’t leave! He stayed for the party talkin his pitch shit! Talk about not being able to read social cues…. So, there’s that too.

Robin Williams said it best:

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."

I forgot. That includes to myself when I look in the mirror. The person looking back at me is a loving woman, a truly caring and amazing individual who is human, makes mistakes, isn’t as kind to others or herself a lot of times as she could be, and doesn’t deserve to be raked through the coals by herself about how she looks to everyone, and all of the things she would’ve done differently had she had more information. Hindsight isn’t always 20/20, but sometimes, yes. 🫣🤌🤷‍♀️😆❤️

Full disclosure: I use this blog to post how I feel either visually or through writing, and I never read comments or respond, so I’m not leaving you “unread” on purpose to hurt your feelings, it’s just not how I choose to use this specific interface. And now, I will write. ✍️😆

I might sound like an old person, because I am, but I am seriously glad that I did not grow up in this specific day and age where, due to social media, I had to be concerned when it comes to getting to know people. I just recently talked to some teens about this, and the kind of b.s. that people are perpetrating online in relationships is appalling to me. I have never heard of so many tiny little manipulative ways that people try to withhold love from others. And unfortunately, kids are learning it and modeling it from somewhere folks, so that means we’re all responsible.

There are even terms for these asinine behaviors, it’s that prevalent! I.e. leaving people unread, ghosting, not snapping back, not responding for hours on end on purpose while the person you’re ignoring can see that you’re online blowing them off, using monikers (fake accounts) to pretend to be someone else to mess with their minds to boost their own ego, pretending to be interested to begin with just to elicit attention from someone also to boost their ego or for sport among their juvenile “friends”, having their juvenile “friends” pretend to be the person who is “interested” in them to confuse and hurt the people who are trying to be honest, unliking, playing kid games just because, or for whatever reason, none of which are good enough to justify the rude, inconsiderate, unnecessary, “waste of everyone’s life case it’s a lie” behavior, and the list is endless. What the hell is this? We have a finite amount of time on this planet, kids. What a childish waste of time and energy. A psa for people who choose to treat people like this: YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. We know you’re doing it. And we all feel it. But newsflash, we don’t all tolerate it.

Because although the goal would be to make yourself look too cool, and way too busy, and not a person that gives a crap about anyone, a lot of thought goes into manipulating people like that. It just seems to me that anyone that would treat someone like this is focusing way too much on trying to win instead of trying to be real.

“They want you more when you don’t need them…” I was scrolling on YouTube just saw this title on a video. That’s not love. That’s codependency and a need to control people. Doing the barest of minimum for people isn’t going to keep them around (& yes, most of the time these folks go from person to person generally because it gets boring and harder to keep people wanting you when you treat them like crap), but moreover it’s certainly not going to make you or anyone feel better in the long run. It keeps everyone involved distracted from the real issue that increases as time progresses, which is what’s on the inside of you, and why you feel the way you do. Figure that out, and the toxic cycle will end. And you’ll eventually find what you’re looking for, which is love, not someone posturing under the guise of love. Control and toxic yang masculinity (not necessarily a male in gender, but meaning action oriented behavior)*, is fear.

I think the reason why people invest in this conduct is because they’re looking for something on the outside of them to make them whole. And they’re never going to fill themselves up that way. I wouldn’t even accept this kind of behavior from my biological family let alone somebody who I’m just meeting. Withholding love is the most insanely selfish and cruel thing you can do.

But ironically enough, one who acts this way may think that withholding love puts them in control of their relationships, but in actuality that’s not the case. They may get some egoistical satisfaction at first, but in the long run they’re not withholding love from another person, especially when the other person doesn’t accept the feeling of the inconsiderate demeanor they’re dolling out. When one chooses to behave in this fear based way, they’re withholding the good feeling that will actually last, from themselves. What an needless way to choose to go through life.

Point blank, just put the good out there, will you please? Treat people the way that you want to be treated. And if you want to be treated like crap, then go see a therapist instead of working so hard to try to show people how little they mean to you online. And to the people who have been treated so poorly by the people who refuse to take responsibility for how they truly feel so they act out and try to entangle others in their drama, it’s not a rejection unless you accept it, and internalize it. 🤌❤️