#lovematters

Hot Love in the Poppy Field got an Unexpected Wet Cooling 🌦

We are here in this MEOWment for life to matter. 

I look like a fancy pants. I am not one. I have a fundamental problem with fancy. With classy. With the upper crust. The hoi polai. I’m not bougie, or part of the upper echelon. Or the high faluntin’. Definitely not exclusive. Or a vip, and not the highest valued. Or the most powerful. Nor am I the absolute best. Well, it’s clear. These are all shit beliefs, I hold within myself. I yell about it a lot. I ruminate. I reactivate the energy I feel rejected by, over and over again.

Be a star! Be famous! Be revered! Be honored! Be special! All of that talk, is relying on outside validation and acceptance to occur for you to be accepted. If I’m not, then what?! Do I cease to exist? Should I? If I’m not accepted into this group, this club, this job, this whatever, then I’m not worthy. A very hard concept to swallow when you’re trying to prove yourself to the world. I need a job. I need to be my best, I have to audition or interview. I need to show my stuff, and prove my worth. Ouch. Not ok. And not easy to live with on a daily basis. Especially if that outside validation never comes. So if it doesn’t, then what? Your thoughts about you and your life, matter.

Our society focuses on one upping one another. It’s how it’s all set up. Prove, show, how much can you do? Who do you know? How much can you offer? Soooooo exhausting. I’ve been sitting in this same brown suede chair, for years, with all this aforementioned energy, and it blows. I have been doing it to myself. And then subsequently reacting to the world and it’s peoples according to my thoughts, and beliefs.

All rich people are greedy. They don’t share. They stay rich, while others starve and struggle. They are excessive. They do not share their wealth. They only care about themselves, etc. all beliefs I had, both consciously and subconsciously. And guess who I ran into? People. Lots of them. All just people, that I labeled, and categorized, and compartmentalized, and brushed off, and yelled about, etc. The people, reacted to my energy that I brought to the table. Not my words, but to my energy. Very different. People can smell other people a mile away. Mistrust, is very real. I didn’t trust a single person. And therefore, they reacted to me accordingly, very exaggerated in some instances, proving my beliefs.

I’m bored of that old dynamic. Fear. Mine. Money is just money. Money is not an energy. What our beliefs are about it, is the energy, not money itself. The same goes with humanity. Humans are just humans. They are not predetermined. Sometimes predictable, but predictably is also predetermined by each of us according to our predetermination of others, sometimes.

“I know her type... she’s a slut, and a bitch, and a pig, and selfish, and she swears and writes weird, so she’s some kind of freak....” all of these generalizations are detrimental to union; both union with other people, and union with ourselves. If you focus on negative thoughts that others have laid on you, or have a negative self talk running in the background of your mind dissing yourself constantly, it’s the same energy. That’s why it’s important to be aware of your beliefs. How do you feel about you? It starts there. Then the rest fall like dominos. (Again, not the pizza place...)

“You are an asshole Kari! Who do you think you are, writing about this shit! You are not qualified! You act like an expert! Like a big shot! Like a know it all! Who do you think you are?! You are a no talent hack! You rip people off and credit yourself! All you do is complain, and boss people around, and yell about whatever. Well, I’m sick of your shit! Be gone!” And I do. I leave. I leave all the very uncomfortable, upsetting situations that I see and experience because I see them that way, which is like most people. Mistrust is very real, if it’s a belief you hold. And by the by, I have been accused, tried, and convicted of all of these things by some people in the 3d world, whatever. But what’s worse, I’ve been convicted of all of this, by myself, because I have reinforced it with my attention to it.

Rebuilding trust with the most important person in the world to you, is not a thing most of us focus on. We think we do, but we don’t. “Oh please... she’s a mook! I trust and care about my spouse, and my kids, and my family, and my friends, and my boss, or whomever. So shut up, insane woman who writes blogs I may or may not read fully, or at all, because I know what you’re about already, so I shut down.” Ok. Already decided then. How’s it feel? Are you happy? Is your life great? If it is, fantastic! Disregard the rest of this post. If your life is great, you’re probably not even reading this, because you won’t resonate with it. You’re happy. I’m not. So I write to get there. I’m rebuilding trust, with the person who decides what my beliefs are. I’m trying to win back the love and support, of me.

Care is not a thing we decide easily either. “Why should I give a shit?! They don’t care about me at all. No one shows love, so I’ll hoard mine as well. It’s how people are...” a belief I haven’t held so I thought, but my subconscious mistrust in people superseded that so-called belief. “Fuck! People screwed me over AGAIN! I try over and over to love, and I don’t get it back! Damn it! I was vulnerable. I opened up! And I was rejected. All of me, was turned down, for being me.” That thought trajectory is one I still try to eliminate from my energy that I hold. But it takes time to repair a relationship when you’ve been unkind. And the relationship with me is the one that’s been in disrepair for a really long time. Fear and mistrust is a barrier to the recognition of any love. And you may miss it if it comes your way with your hurt/and or angry filter. So patience and understanding when I fall off the wagon being kind to myself, is imperative to experiencing love of any kind.

When I feel love from within, it permeates outwardly. When I choose thoughts that help me feel better, I want to share that feeling with those connected to me. When I feel love, I’m happier, I choose good things to eat, I don’t try to fit into clothes that are too small for me, I don’t yell at my son for being a kid, I find more reasons to be happy. The momentum of my thoughts, multiply, and snowball. And the more I do it, the easier it is to get back to that place when I end up falling out of the love. I am a human being. We all are, well, when we choose to be. Otherwise we’re not. We’re mean, we’re ornery, we’re unfeeling (but not, cause negativity also results in feelings, and is also a choice). We come off callus, selfish, as an asshole. Our emotions feed on themselves too, but not in the way we may truly desire, but in the way we subconsciously think we deserve. We treat people according to how we feel, our perceptions dictate that. “God, is she needy! I cannot deal with, Kari. She’s so; A, B, and C, and I’m soooo not into her. So I won’t invest, and not only that, I will hold this energy of what I believe she is, every time I think of her.” I do it to myself, everyday. We all do. We hold the energy of our beliefs about others, and ourselves, and when we think about anything, positively or negatively that’s what WE ourselves experience, because of our attention to it.

I’m bored of this conversation. You know why? Cause it’s not a fun energy. You know what is? Not these thoughts. So, I’m going to eat for the first time today, and maybe think better about things, if I can get that positive momentum going. Well, I’m a deliberate thinker when I want to be, so let’s do it! Ok! Sweet! What do I think?

Below is a sample conversation to deliberately have with yourself to change your energy from a meh mood to better. (Results may vary due to your willingness to buy into what I’m saying. Also, you decide what lights you up, and substitute that for the variables to what I used as examples. If you don’t like avocado toast, music, or detachable penises, this may not be the exact conversation you should have with yourself to aid in feeling better...):

Well, you love avocados. Yes, that’s a weird subject, but I do. Great! Let’s have some avacado toast, and then decide what to do next. Ok. Do you like music? Well, I’m me, so you know I do.... great! Why don’t you listen to some music you dig while your waiting for your toast to toast. That’s ridiculous. Why? It’s just listening. I mean, it’s not like I asked you to dance or anything. Well, fine... I guess I can listen to something. And nothing depressing! Aww come onnnnnn... some of my favorite songs are depressing! Well, fine, but how about something in between. Fine, in between. Ok. Now, remember how much fun we had listening to this song that does something to your innards in the past? Yes! I do. Uh oh... what? You seem... happier... no I’m not! Oh! I think you are... I saw you tapping your foot... no I wasn’t! I was shifting my weight. Ok, fine. Well, I do love this song, and it reminds me of this other song I completely forgot about! Ohhhh yeahhhh! This one is hilarious! Detachable penis by king missle! They’re insane! Omg... you’re dirty. Oh man, people think I write smut. Actually, they do, you didn’t write their song. And by the way, it’s hilarious and awesome, and you appreciate the humor. Besides, there’s no one else here to judge. It’s just you and your toast! Oh yeah! Ok, sweet! Let’s listen...

wants to be a husband.