DO YOU KNOW A SONG ABOUT VELOCIRAPTORS?

LOL so the other day I was scampering about squeaking and looking for cheese and such when I saw the farmer out in the field and, get this, he was trying to pull a turnip out of the ground, but the turnip was like really big, right, so he couldn’t do it 😅 like he was really struggling. Weak fuckinh farmer. So he calls over his wife and she holds onto his waist and starts pulling too but the turnip is still stuck. So she calls over their kid and she grabs onto her grandma and now all three of them are huffing and puffing but the damn turnip won’t budge. This is one crazy ass root vegetable. So they call over the dog and I’m thinking, girl, this is not going to work. but the dog bites down on the kids pants and starts pulling. It’s like a damn conga line. No dice. The dog starts whimpering and next thing you know the cat wanders over and bites the mutt right on her tail and starts pulling. So I’m laughing my ass off at this point but the cat starts looking at me. And normally we don’t really get on, the cat and me. But there’s this desperation in her eyes. In all of their eyes, really. Like, if I can’t dig up a damn tuber then who am I. What’s the point of it all, if there’s an enormous turnip that’s stronger than me. And I can see the future unfolding in my mind. The cat will never respect the dog again, and dog will never obey the kid, who will probably run away from home to find a new jacked grandma. And the farmers wife will leave him, and the whole damn charade of masculinity will crumble and fall. And I shouldn’t care right. I have no stake in this. This is some funny shit. But how funny would it be if little old me pitched in and the turnip actually came uprooted. I’ve got no ego. nobody respects a gay little mouse in this city. If I don’t make a difference here, no loss. But if I save the day? Can you imagine? Outdid by a mouse? The farmer would be delivering me fresh brie on the daily and the cat would probably have to move to a different area code to escape the mockery. So, in the spirit of cooperation, I grab the cat’s tail, and I give a little tug. Just the one. And I swear to god, it feels like an earthquake. Up comes the turnip, big as a house, and the farmer falls on his ass, and so does his wife, and all down the line. And I hop up on the cats head and scamper up the backs of the team as they catch their breath, and I leap up onto the turnip itself and I take a big bite out of it. And let me tell you: that shit? Tasted like a turnip

guy who plays albums on mute, it was never really about sound for him as much as feeling a sense of progression through a series of named durations

HIJK is not my personal favorite part of the alphabet song but i appreciate the artistry. it is the sort of labored uphill climb that lends itself to the free downhill spillage of LMNOP. each letter is like an effortful punctuation of an iron pick into the mountain side as you hoist your way up. you can almost hear the shrill of each strike chafing

bro lemme show u how sex REALLY works *picks up large rock from forest ground*

seals should be able to levitate and hover around at whatever height they want it's not fair that they have to scoot whenever they're out of the water

transition timeline but about halfway through im inexplicably a cackling green witch for a few months before continuing as normal

they're putting me on the cover of times magazine and also putting a cup over me and there's even talk of taking me outside

has anyone seen my pet bacteriophage its name is styrofoam and its about [hand touching the floor] this tall

touches your blog with my rhinophores

can never predict which of my posts is going to get popular. now everyone on tumblr knows i kicked a fish

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man