elvis died because it wasnt getting enough fiber

ive never fucked up someones pronouns this badly before, sorry

you learn something new everyday. unless you're a historian. then you learn something old

Mystery dog…

wednesday in both directions as far as one can see

I was mugged by snow white and the seven dwarves the other day. six dwarves now, I suppose. kneed dipshit or dopey or whatever he was called in the eye socket so hard he died before his limp body hit the ground. they all scattered after that. I'll never forget how they wailed his name

movie

you were at the DMV? what did you need from the Department of Mogged Virgins?

if i can be honest if i saw an elf i would hesistate. elves are straight up not normal to see. i would be shocked for a while.

i like when wikipedia pages for bands have that little chart at the bottom where you can see how they’ve been ritualistically cannibalizing their drummer every 3-5 years since 2007

it's extremely funny reading historical accounts of Spontaneous Human Combustion because it follows the normal historical trend of other 1800s paranormal phenomena where it stopped happening as much right around the time cameras were invented and stopped happening entirely when everyone started carrying mini cameras in their pockets, but unlike most others of its ilk, it was effectively replaced by this mysterious phenomena where alocoholics would spill liqour on themselves and then fall asleep smoking a cigarette and turn into a fireball. nobody knows if these two things are related