mall goth cringe

it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you can't do things that you used to be able to do. I'll be honest, it feels like you're losing control of your life. it can feel very isolating and hopeless. its scary and overwhelming, and it's so hard to deal with.

1. Check directly in front of your face, extensively, minimum 3 times, in a futile attempt to avoid steps 2-9

2. Decide it is absolutely not directly in front of your face and swear on god himself that you will not find it there in 2 minutes

3. Check Every Other Place (TM) you think it reasonably could be

4. Check all the places it absolutely should not be

5. Check the fridge/oven/washing machine/microwave

6. Panic

7. Accept defeat and return to where you were sitting (approx 2 minutes later)

8. Find the item directly in front of your face

9. Gaslight yourself into believing in magic/god/house elves/anything to convince yourself this isn't your fault

I forgot what I was saying while I was saying it

This project does not exist until 5 minutes before it's supposed to be turned in.

My Thoughts Are Loud

I don't hate you, my brain just decided you're boring.

Lost in the black hole of google searches

I know random really weird facts but can't remember your name

I'm not instantly perfect and therefore am a failure

My brain "Followed the dopamine" and now I literally have 12 unfinished things

I apparently can only remember a 5 second part of an entire 3 minute song

Intrusive thoughts, or, My Brain is an Edgelord

I still can't remember your name

I didn't mean to slam the door I just forgot how to move

Brain no make words

Brain make too many words and they're all smashed together

Brain make the right words in the wrong order

I forgot this specific word and will remember it an hour later and yell it out loud.

Constantly tripping, knocking things over, running into things, etc

Huh, what was that? (Brain catches up and I immediately respond)

Oh look, now we're depressed

Those lights are too loud

If I don't immediately know where I'm going I'm lost

I wasn't diagnosed with autism until a year ago (and ADHD 6 months ago), but let's pretend for a moment that I had been diagnosed as a child or as a teenager. And then let's pretend that someone had asked me in my early twenties if I thought autism was a disability.

I would have absolutely denied that. I would have stepped on top of the biggest soap box I could find and shouted that autism was most certainly NOT a disability.

Because in my early twenties I was living my best life. I was married, we'd bought a house, I worked full time, I had good friends and interesting hobbies. I might be autistic, but that didn't stop me from living a perfectly normal life.

Except that it was. I just didn't realize it yet. I was constantly overstimulated without realizing it. And even when I did realize it I just pushed through it, because after all I wasn't disabled.

But your brain can only take so much chronic overstimulation before it just shuts down. I was in my mid twenties when I had my first nervous breakdown. Suddenly I couldn't do the things anymore that I wanted to.

It took me 9 months to recover from that, and that was far too fast, mostly driven by my ADHD which demanded I get my brain back online asap. So I went back to work because I was a perfectly abled young woman after all.

But I didn't change anything that had caused me such overstimulation in the first place, and thus it came back full force and after 18 months I once again reached my breaking point and had a nervous breakdown, this time with added depression.

I haven't worked again since that second breakdown over 20 years ago. I'm officially declared disabled, yet it took me another decade (!) to accept that yes, I really am disabled. The autism and ADHD was a mystery still at that point, but I had officially been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD. All courtesy of me desperately trying to lead a perfectly normal life for a few years in my early twenties.

Now I know what's going on in my brain. Now I'm starting to understand what my limitations are. And now I know that yes, I really am disabled and that there are plenty of things I can't do like most people can. Certain noises scramble my brain, people exhaust me and it takes me all the energy I have to get myself through a day in one piece. I know this and I accept this.

But now, every time I see a neurodivergent someone in their late teens or their early twenties step up onto a soapbox to loudly proclaim they're not disabled, my heart aches for them because I was once where they are now.

And I hope with all my heart that they will be able to live their lives without ever breaking down, but I also know that there's a chance they'll meet their mental limits sooner or later and learn what it means to be autistic in a very confrontational and devastating way.

Because to be neurodivergent means that you have a brain that needs more attention and care than that of a NT person. You need to learn your limitations, because if you don't those limitations will catch up with you when you least expect it.

your condom breaks

you feel a lump on your breast

your friends are ignoring you

you’re stranded on an island 

you got rejected by a crush

you get into a car accident

you got stung by a bee/wasp

you got fired from your job

you’re in an earthquake

your tattoo gets infected

your house is on fire

you’re lost in the woods

you get arrested abroad

you get robbed

your partner cheated on you

you’re on a ship that’s sinking

you fall into ice

you’re stuck in an elevator

you hit a deer with your car

you have food poisoning

your pet passed away

you fall off of a horse

you or your friend has alcohol poisoning

you have toxic shock syndrome