lesbian pudding

i've got the kind of eyebags that make people in movies say 'you look like hell, detective. go home.'

Getting down on my knees and thanking the humans who invented dishwashers and washing machines.

[record scratch] [freeze frame]: yeah that's me. that's me in the corner. that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion.

truly nothing funnier than having an archive of when you first started getting into a media that has since consumed your entire life

not everything is getting worse. at least you don't hear high hopes by panic at the disco every day anymore

i must say, i am a huge fan of when a book is in the middle of a very exciting plot containing many interesting problems when out of nowhere for a few pages it's like, "hey by the way, real quick, here's a detailed explanation of the city's water filtration system! i'm telling you this for a reason and you should worry about it. anyway! haha okay back to the plot" and you just get to be Scared for a while

forever grateful i was simply too lazy to let the makeup industrial complex get its hooks in me. I was just like im not doing all of that. in fact. im doing none of that

yeah I have political reasons for it now but my original and still most powerful reason is "I am not getting out of this bed one single second before I have to"

it was a stroke of genius to give James T Kirk a bitchy flip phone in the 60's, truly amazing to watch him slam it shut like a pissed off socialite girl in 2000's teen shows

Sometimes people think they're dealing with a Torment Nexus but what they actually have is a Jumanji. And sometimes people think something's a Jumanji but oops it's a Torment Nexus.

Now. Sometimes you have a third thing- you'll have yourself a Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. And buddy, I can't help you there.

the belief i have in my ability to carry any amount of stuff home if i am equipped with my backpack and two reusable totes is hubristic to a degree that the achaeans fighting at troy could only have dreamed of