Listen: I know your grief feels like forever, and maybe it is, but I promise it will get easier to carry with time.
When I got the call that my youngest son had died, then a year and two months (to the day) later, that my oldest had died--both of them barely into their twenties--it felt like the end of the world. And to be honest, part of me WANTED the world to end, or at least for ME to end, so I could stop hurting, and maybe be with them if there is any kind of afterlife.
But I kept taking one breath, then another, then another. After throwing myself on the floor, screaming and sobbing, my heart kept beating. The next day, the sun rose like it always did.
I did not handle grief well. For several years afterwards I took my pain out on those around me. I stopped shaving, trimming my beard, and getting haircuts. If I showered once a week, or walked around the block, that was an accomplishment.
Eventually I started at least grooming myself again, and when my then-girlfriend had had enough of me and went her own way, I bought a ticket to the other side of the world, because I knew I needed something to keep me going; I figured either I'd be inspired to live again, or I'd die, and I was honestly okay with either option. (I also left because I knew what was coming in the US, but that's another post.)
And here's the thing: It still hurts. Over a decade later, it still hurts. And it always will. There are still days I wake up crying. It will always hurt, but over time, the pain has gotten easier to carry.
Every day, the sun rises, and every day, I keep breathing. I look at my wife (who debated me into dating her after I told her it might be bad for her lol--best argument I ever lost) and I hold our daughter, and I finally want to live. I'll be honest; sometimes I resent having a reason to live, because it would be so much easier to let go, but I make the decision every day--sometimes I have to make that decision multiple times a day--to keep going.
So what's the point of all this rambling?
Your grief is just as real as mine, whether it's about a dead loved one, a broken heart, a missing pet, or whatever else you may be grieving over. I am an expert on pain, and I respect yours, and I know it feels like the end of the world, or that you sometimes wish the world would end--or at least that YOU would end.
I'm not going to lie and tell you that you'll get over it, because maybe you won't; some things never stop hurting. But I promise that if you keep making that daily decision to keep breathing, someday, eventually, that pain will get lighter and easier to carry.
I believe in you.
