Public Enema No. 1

i am not a psychiatrist but i do find it really weird how autism checklists are so often focused on "outward" signs of autism rather than what is going on internally. i don't know how to explain it but "do you make eye contact with other people" feels like a much less relevant question than "how does it feel when you have to make eye contact with other people?"

@l1zardl1ps

villain going to the goon shelter to pick out a new henchman

this energetic and diabolical boy was rescued from a goon hoarding situation… he loves pulling levers, gloating, and turning cranks with great abandon. prefers to be the only goon. needs an active lair with plenty of enrichment.

now this fella comes with some baggage. his previous villain was going to have put down when he refused to perform unsedated human vivisection as a form of torture. one of our agents intercepted the execution and brought him to the goon shelter. would thrive in an environment of G or PG-rated villainry.

on the other hand, if you’re looking for something a little more… advanced… then this fine lady over here would make a great challenge for an experienced villain able to set firm boundaries. she will NOT be released to first-time villains; proof of prior henchpeople must be demonstrated before adoption approval. high prey drive. under no circumstances should she be left alone with children or small animals. must sign waiver releasing the goon shelter from responsibility if her behavior is deemed excessively depraved.

These two are pair-bonded and may only be adopted together. Up for anything, they are fiercely loyal to their employer provided their needs are met and they are permitted to hold hands. They look alarmingly similar to one another but it is undeterminable whether they are close blood relatives or lovers who choose to dress and style themselves in identical ways. Habit of finishing each other’s sentences with rhyming couplets; we have not attempted to train this out of them. Will answer to whatever names or titles you give them so long as they are complimentary and/or rhyme.

Will you help this goon find his forevil lair? He’s been returned to the goon shelter six times now but we refuse to give up on him. A vile little rat of a man, he’d be the perfect accomplice to someone willing to overlook his unfortunate heterosexuality. If gay-coding is not your style and you don’t expect it from a henchman, please consider giving this little guy a good home in your dastardly schemes.

This guy is not your typical goon. He was rescued from a high-kill shelter after being deemed unfit for henching. His deep baritone voice, his darkly handsome good looks, and his flair for the dramatic have made prospective employers pass over him time and time again, making him the longest resident of the goon shelter. But don’t judge a book by its cover—while his appearance and demeanor suggest “villain”, his real passion is taking orders and faithfully serving a master. If you’re secure in your villainry and not prone to jealousy, he may just be what it takes to turn your base into a lair.

Now this big fella, we've named him Tony the Greek, he was rescued from an illegal goon mill for Runyonland Thugs. This is a very popular breed due to their classically intimidating looks and charming speech patterns, but they are very high-maintenance. The Runyonland Thug was originally bred for debt collection and deterring private investigators, so they need a bustling urban environment to run around in--if you keep him cooped up in your ominous castle or island volcano lair, he'll get restless and start roughing up your other minions. Proper grooming is essential; make sure his suits are nice and pressed and he has a long coat and a hat for when he's going out on errands for you. And they love toys--mostly Tommy guns and brass knuckles, but Tony, you can see, loves his blackjack. Sadly selective breeding has resulted in a tendency towards health problems--alcohol abuse, excessive gambling, getting shot in a police raid--but with care this loyal henchman will bring you joy and your enemies pain for years to come.

@l1zardl1ps

when that honey mustard hits

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I would be so good at alchemical fraud, Id be pouring bottles into each other watching that shit sizzle making a kings ransom and Im out the window before they realize the panacea I gave them is straight mercury vapors and dog ashes

@l1zardl1ps Jasper lmfaoooooo

this site really did suck so fucking bad when its demographic was straighter

i don't believe such a time ever existed

this is hilarious actually bring it back

a customer returned a drink because a fly flew into it and said: “one of your flies flew into my drink” and my coworker was so confused that they just said: “…my fly?”

#MyFly

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@l1zardl1ps

The scene in Shrek 2 when the Fairy Godmother sings I need a Hero when the giant gingerbread man attacks the castle is still the greatest scene in cinema of all times

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