tim drake is a NERD

Bruce adopting and training these kids is absolutely the only thing standing between them and even EARLIER deaths than the ones in canon that they all basically just…refuse to let stick.

Like, these are six incredibly determined little dumbasses.

Dick Grayson: breaks out of juvie and runs around rooftops tracking down the mob boss that ordered his parents killed in order to ruthlessly avenge them when he’s EIGHT.

Jason Todd: at age twelve, is caught stealing the tires off the goddamn BATMOBILE and upon being caught, his first instinct is NOT flight, its HIT THE GODDAMN BATMAN WITH HIS TIRE IRON.

Tim Drake: as early as age ten, spends his free time running around Gotham’s rooftops and back alleys stalking Batman and Robin with his clunky camera and absolutely no prior experience or training in either acrobatics or surviving Gotham’s back alleys.

Cassandra Cain: Upon learning Lady Shiva is her mother, ignores Batman yelling CASSANDRA NO and tracks down the most lethal and feared woman on the planet and bullies her into training her further, with Shiva going okay but then we gotta battle to the death and Cassandra going sure, makes sense, when do we start.

Damian Wayne: Early in life, is ordered to hunt and fight a bunch of dragon-type creatures. Adopts one as his pet. Finally meets his father, who does not trust him. Steals the Batmobile. Is fired from Robin and forbidden to leave the Manor for his protection while there’s a hit on his life. Calls himself Redbird and resumes Robin duties, citing that he was only forbidden from leaving as ROBIN, specifically. Is sent home during an attack on the city by a zombie army. Turns around and wades into the zombie army on his own. Etc, etc.

Duke Thomas: At age ten, the Riddler shuts down all the power in Gotham and says he’ll only restore it if bested with a riddle. Duke hears this and decides, this is a job for…Duke Thomas. Around age fifteen, he’s put in the foster system after his parents are affected by the Joker’s mind-altering gas during an attack, hears that some of the Joker’s victims have been found wandering around the sewer system that’s noted for being home to like….a cannibalistic crocodile villain, among other things, thinks well, guess I gotta go personally cover every inch of Gotham’s sewers on my own, by foot. Accidentally stumbles across a plot to bomb all of Gotham and decides, this is a job for…Duke Thomas. Etc, etc.

In summation, the Batkids’ shared family trait is Absolute Dumbassery and a Willful Disregard for Self-Preservation, and no, they do not accept constructive criticism. Bruce’s training them all as his partners was 40% fatalism, 60% Hail Mary. 

He actually tried getting Dick to choose colors for his costume that would actually blend into the shadows, and eight year old Dick went nah, I’m gonna stick with bright red, yellow and green, thanks though. 

He actually tried teaching Jason Todd how to prioritize speed and evasion against bigger opponents, and 5′4″ Jason Todd went nah, I’m just gonna punch ‘em, thanks though. 

He actually tried sending Tim home when Tim first showed up, and Tim went nah, I’m just not gonna do that, thanks though. 

He actually tried getting Cassandra to be more careful and selective about inserting herself into every single dangerous situation she came across, and Cass went, sorry, lost my phone when I weaponized it against the bad guys and also I’m in Hong Kong right now about to face off with my killer mom, see ya when I get back, bye. 

He actually tried benching Damian repeatedly, and Damian went, LOL. No. 

He actually tried stressing to Duke the importance of leaving dangerous situations to the professionals, and Duke kept showing up at every dangerous situation in Gotham and being like oh hey, so weird we keep running into each other. 

Batman:

Duke has been on a kick recently where he absolutely loves mug cakes. He eats the hell out of them, and consequently, every mug in the house is always dirty. It’s getting out of hand. Bruce has to drink his morning coffee in a bowl one morning. Tim made hot chocolate in a wine glass. He doesn’t understand why Duke doesn’t just make a full sized cake.

Jason keeps pretending he can’t see/hear Bruce. He’ll come by the manor and even stay the night on occasion, but whenever Bruce asks him a question he just looks around like he’s confused and asks if anyone else can hear that wind

Bruce made Damian a sack lunch for school when Alfred was sick. Dick snapped a picture of Bruce standing in the kitchen in an apron, holding a tiny sack lunch and fixing Damian’s hair. He posted it to Twitter. Dad pages keep retweeting it. Selina won’t stop making fun of him.

Clark sent him a corn emoji and a thumbs up emoji and Bruce doesn’t know what it’s supposed to mean. It feels ominous. He loses sleep over it. (It means the crops have been growing well back at the farm)

Tim doesn’t have a spleen. Bruce has conniptions every time that boy even coughs.

Cass and Dick moved everything in the living room so they could dance together. Bruce went to fix the furniture and can’t remember where one of the vases goes. It troubles him deeply.

Stephanie keeps barging into his office and forcing him to listen to her freestyle rap. She does it solely to annoy him. She doesn’t even live here-

Jason shot Bruce’s doorknob off, just to do it. Bruce has no privacy. Now he can’t even escape to his room when the heathens begin arguing and trying to drag him into it. He is forced to participate in family arguments and also game night.

Stephanie won’t leave.

Bruce got a very bad sunburn on a public outing as Dad Bruce Wayne. The internet is now full of photos of Alfred insistently rubbing aloe vera all over pasty white shirtless Bruce’s sunburn while Damian stood 10 feet away and pretended not to know him.

Tim fell asleep in Duke’s room. When Bruce tried to move him, he found Cass asleep in Tim’s. When he tried to take Tim back to his previous spot, Duke had reclaimed his bed. Bruce has now been standing in the hallway for 10 minutes, awkwardly cradling Tim as he tries to figure out where to put his sleep deprived workaholic teenage CEO

Damian’s voice cracked the other day, and he coped with his embarrassment by flying ninja kicking Jason through a window. Bruce wishes he had a normal family. No, he doesn’t

Hal Jordan: …What was that??

Flash: His daddy bats senses were tingling probably.

Batfamily! The Robin!

Quick sketch on SAI. Characters: Nightwing - Dick Grayson, Red Hood - Jason Todd, Red Robin - Timothy Drake, Batgirl - Stephanie Brown, Robin - Damian Wayne. © DC Comics.