Just shouting out into the void. Nothing important or relevant.
The rest of socials feel oversaturated and too attuned to my Identity. This is just blabs to get it out from my brain without needing anything done about it necessarily.
Here lately it feels like a constant between trying to be okay, being okay, and internally wanting to scream and throw everything against walls and windows. It seems very teenager angst and woe is me but that doesn't make it less valid. It feels like I've made every major mistake that has resulted in being off course. But I don't know what the right choice would have been. Feel both stuck in my choices and decisions while at the same time wanting to make the leap to drastically change things. But this is constant. I don't know if anything different will make me happier than I am right now. Not because I'm depressed. I mean I am but it's different. Almost like the whole grass is greener thing.
I had an idea of who I was and who I should have been. Then with time and growth, I'd like to believe that's changed and grown too. And some has. But there's still this underlying need to fulfill something that I don't know how to indentify. And a fear that even if I do, I won't be able to fulfill it because of where I ended up in life and conflicting ideals.
There's both a need to scream and cry until I can't think, and a quiet numbness of does it even matter anymore. What are the right steps and what will make me happy? And are they the same thing or will I have to choose?
