the notion that every homophobe is just a closeted gay is one I've long loathed and strongly disagree with. the only kernel of truth in it is that I do think there's a bitter envy and loathing at the heart of homophobia, but it's not out of a desire to fuck their own gender.
it's the classic debate between conformity and its benefits (privileges, access, safety), and those of rejecting conformity. because conformity is a gilded cage where you have to adhere to insanely strict rules in order to obtain full benefits, and rejecting it can absolutely be liberating.
I see the symptoms of this dichotomy even in the way some straight women take issue even with my most ridiculously small choices such as not shaving or wearing make-up. they want the privilege that comes with adhering to conformity and the liberation of rejecting it. they're the two realistic choices an individual can make in this world, and they're fundamentally incompatible.
the good news is that there's a third choice, where conformists and non-conformists alike join our forces and tear out the very concepts of normativity that they cling so hard to, love and peace and hakuna matata and whatnot. but they want that.
homophobes don't want to even see that other options exist and are viable and can bring us joy. privilege only worse if there's someone underneath you have the possibility to step on, and when they see those of us that reject their norms still manage to find our moments of bliss, pleasure, pride... that fucking eats them alive. they want us to follow their rules to a tee but remain miserable inside knowing ourselves different. what they want is for someone like me (childfree lesbian with career aspirations) is to groom myself like a woman is supposed to, marry a man like a woman is supposed to, bear his children and manage his house and work only for his happiness like a woman is supposed to. and I would eat a bullet before that.