we talk a lot about how much of a revelation andrewβs confession is for neil, and not enough about how revelatory neilβs reaction is for andrew. because like. imagine you like this boy. but he doesnβt swing. you know the answer would be βno,β so thereβs no point in even asking. then he goes and gets himself needlessly tortured for you, and tells you thereβs no amount of suffering he wouldnβt endure for you. not because he thinks youβre weak, but because he thinks youβre worth protecting. he says things that you would interpret as advances if it were literally anyone else. you remind yourself that he doesnβt swing. now youβre at edenβs and heβs asking about your feelings for him in 12 different ways. he really wants to know. so you tell him, in the most casual and crass way you can, thinking thatβll put an end to it. but unfathomably, it doesnβt. he asks you why you didnβt tell him. why would you have? it would have been a βno.β you say that, and instead of confirming it, he just echoes your words, clearly still reeling. you start to leave, and he tells you that he wants to keep playing your game. while the absence of a βnoβ is obviously not the same thing as a βyes,β youβve been operating for months and months under the assumption that the answer would be unequivocal. so you keep waiting for that answer, but it never comes. for the first time since you met him, you wonder if maybe itβs not a βnoβ after all. if maybe you could have this. you canβt remember the last time you were able to have something you wanted. the world tilting on its axis, indeed.
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