don't freak out

just a short excerpt from me today :)

i have these paras in a random word document called IN BETWEEN which maybe one day will be a little oneshot about robert leaving the village ... maybe now we know serena's coming i'll write about cousin hijinks in london or something. but i wrote this about queerness and robert and wanted to share even tho it might never come to a full fic!!!!!! thanks @mellaithwen for the tag and sorry for being self indulgent lol.

Andy thrums in him. A living reminder that there is something ineffably different about him, something he cannot and will not name. Something Andy sometimes sees an unguarded glimpse of when Robert is too tired to not be himself. A quirk in his gait or way of speaking that makes Andy pause and squint at him like he isn’t sure who he is or where he came from. There is some, essential way that Robert is different from other boys, and it takes a great deal of strangling down and remembering to walk with his knees turned out to correct. Andy doesn’t have to correct anything. Andy breathes and talks and moves through the world without a second thought, not a glance back, and everyone sees him and knows who he is.  Robert won’t really know what it is, the full scope of his own difference, until he’s thirteen and a new boy starts at school and he feels like he’s been punched, hard, in his abdomen.  Andy and Robert continue to grow up in the same house, and then one day Andy goes out the front and Robert goes out the back and keeps going, walks over the fields and up the hill and doesn't come back. 

“I can imagine.” Aaron says politely, “Do you want to tell me something more about the occasion? I know it’s a wedding and I’m perfectly fine with it, but if you don’t mind sharing some details?”

Robert’s brain short-circuits.

“I’ve slept with a bride.”

“Oh.” Aaron seems utterly unimpressed. “Is this the ex you mentioned in the messages?”

Robert recalls his very drunk, very desperate texts and wonders why Aaron even agreed to take this gig. Well, Robert offered good money, probably that’s why.

“It’s all in the past and dealt with, although I won’t mind shoving you in her face.” he fidgets in his seat, “But, yeah, no, ex is someone else. Very else.” he takes a deep breath, the name burning the back of his throat, “His name is Max.”

Aaron nods, and Robert feels bile rising in his throat, and he looks around quickly, making sure that the half-empty carriage hasn’t magically filled with a crowd thirsty for the colourful and pathetic tales of Robert’s love life. 

“Do we hate Max? Do we love him? Want him back or want to break his nose? What’s the approach?” Aaron asks, all businesslike and suave, obviously, he’s getting a hefty payment for that, and if Robert were in a better mood, he would be impressed with his professionalism, but he’s currently trying to swallow past his complicated feelings for Max bloody King.

so here is a wee snippet from the katie lives rewrite of the robert return i am slowly but surely returning to even if it may take the rest of my adult life to finish given the amount of scenes i keep adding to the plan

Aaron felt like he could explode with the frustration of it all as he looked at Katie, giving her his most annoyed look.

"Why did you help him crash my wedding?" he hissed, because finding out his ex-sister-in-law (also, sister-in-law to be, at the time? Aaron's life was complicated) was the supporting role in Robert's harebrained plan to crash his wedding and win him back was not how he expected his day to go.

Katie had been there, in the weeks and months after Robert had gone to prison - she'd come, with Andy, and alone, and had tried to help Aaron put his life back together before he'd made it his aim to push every and all Sugden in the village out of his life in response to Robert breaking his heart.

Katie glared at him, and as always, Aaron could see what Robert had loved about her in these moments - that fiery glare, and refusal to back down. It made him and Katie more alike than he liked to acknowledge, sometimes.

"Why didn't you just chose him, Aaron?" Katie hissed back in response, and it was weird, sometimes, to see her come to Robert's defense, after all the years they had spent at each other's throats. "You could have saved us all a whole lot of fucking hassle if you had just done what you actually wanted to do, that day, and chose Robert over John!"

Tagged by @tizniz thank youuuu

I finally finished this scene after 84 years and you'll never guess what was waiting for me at the end? MORE SCENES to write. No one suffers like I do.

"You need to understand what we went through," Margaret adds. "You have no idea how hard it was." Flexing his hand under the table, Buck says, "I am trying to understand. I just need to know that you're trying to understand me too." Too loud. Again. And this time the sentence wavers near the end with the same emotion that's building as pressure behind his eyes. Buck hates the sound of it in his own mouth just as much as he hates hearing it from his mom. "Then that's where we'll start." Dr. Copeland keeps talking and Buck is pretty sure he responds appropriately when asked, but his head is so full of furious static that he can't really be certain of anything. Don't make it worse, he tells himself. Forge a new path. Build a fire line that will keep the inferno from advancing further. But beneath that attempt at steady reason an electrical tremor hums down his arm and curls his fingers into fists tight enough to press his fingernails into his palms. It burns as Buck swallows the questions that keeps creeping their way back up his throat. I thought you said you never blamed me? and Were you happier when I was gone? He's not sure if he wants to know.

Dear God, if you help me figure out how to make this man's internal thoughts and feelings consistent, I probably won't go to church but I will stop invoking you at bingo.