Drift [Marsden]

What a red flag actually means: something here is an indicator of a potential problem (but might be fine with a reasonable explanation)

What people have now decided it means: abuse

I've lost count of the number of times I've now had to read variants of "My partner takes all my money and gives me back an allowance because he says it's a man's job to control finances, but he's racking up gambling debts" being met with "Wow this man is a walking red flag" no Becky that is abuse. That is not an indicator. He is an abuser. Call the police. We have lost the concept of a proxy: a thing that indicates a more important thing. And it's relevant to this conversation because I'm actually going to go out on a limb here:

With the obvious exception of paedophilia, age gaps themselves aren't a problem at all - they are a proxy for the actual harmful phenomenon. Hea me out, let me explain

The reason we don't like age gaps is because of the implied power dynamic. If one partner, usually male, is older than other - particularly if the other is still quite young - the risk is that what we're seeing is a worldly wise predator who is exploiting the lack of life experience of a young beautiful woman by mentally abusing her until she's no longer young and pretty enough to satisfy, at which point he'll move on to the next. There have been enough examples of this in human history. It's unfortunately not an uncommon pattern. Genders can also be diverse in this scenario

We can't necessarily see that dynamic from the outside. But we CAN see an inherent element of it: the ages of the people involved. So age becomes a proxy for the abuse. And, hey, it's often correct.

But here's the thing: the ages themselves are not causing harm.

The power dynamic is. The abuse is.

Plenty of age gap relationships are loving, healthy and steadfast. Two people met and genuinely fell in love regardless of the outer packaging, and have a relationship with all the highs and lows and challenges and rewards as any more traditional pairing. This happens all the time

Is the age gap a red flag? Sure! It indicates a potential issue.

Is it inherently abusive? Absolutely fucking not.

OP is right - we need to stop focusing just on the numbers and twisting the facts to fit by infantilising the younger partners, and start focusing on the actual harms. The DiCaprio Pattern of only dating under 24s repeatedly is itself a proxy, too, actually - but a much stronger one than the simple presence of an age gap.

(Even so, in DiCaprio's case, until any of his former partners come forward and describe him as abusive, actually, even that is up in the air - my personal interpretation, given how strong a pattern it is, is that he's a loser who views women as trophies (consciously or not). If any have come forward and I don't know about it, of course, fair enough. But those women were adults capable of making their own decisions, even if they might later come to regret it. And regretting poor decisions is part of life! That's how it goes, particularly with relationships. As long as they weren't abused, there's no biggie. And just as he was looking for young-and-beautiful, there's no way they weren't, on some level, looking for rich-and-famous; it goes both ways.)

Also, another element of this: I think a lot of modern extreme puritan discourse on this is actually ironically down to the age of those taking part. Up until your late 20s, ten years is actually a huge span of time to you, because in your own life you were in a completely different developmental phase ten years ago (teenager), and a completely different phase again ten years before that (child). That skews your sense of what a ten-year gap means. Whereas once you're in your 30s and beyond, ten years is like. Yeah I was an adult ten years ago, and I still am now. That's two adults. Who cares.

the electric mayhem (minus animal bcs hes their kid) arent a polycule, theyre monogamous. but specifically they break up and date each other one at a time. they have a chart.

animal is genderfluid. this is mentioned exactly once bcs kermit calls her he and she starts yelling "SHE/HER!" kermit corrects himself and the show goes on

rizzo made out with gonzo once but he still considers himself straight bcs gonzo is not a guy, he's a whatever. gonzo agrees with this

uncle deadly dated tim curry. it did not end well.

actual emotional scene of gonzo talking about how he feels abt gender. no jokes.

kermit: no matter what, gonzo is still gonzo, and we're always going to support gonzo no matter what gonzo decides- gonzo: kermit. i still use he/him

statler and waldorf wedding episode. theyre divorced by the next

beaker trying to ask bunsen out on a date. in the end it turns out bunsen thought they'd been dating for years.

miss piggy hanging out with drag queens

related, miss piggy starting to present butch and kermit being Really Into It. hes embarassed abt it

pepe begins a story with "when i was a little girl...."

janice decides to start using just she bcs "like, i could never be her"

rowlf mentions having a husband. even kermit is like "??? since when??!"

No parts of it extended beyond the lines, and the paper ticket was clearly displayed, impaled on a horn.

I /was/ trying to put away this basket of clean laundry....

(She is now sitting between me and the keyboard hindering typing and purring like crazy. Unfortunately my phone is not within reach to take another photo.)

Yeah, sure, serial killers deserve human rights too, but isn't there a more obvious demographic you're sliding right by? Isn't there a demographic of people so thoroughly erased by human rights discourse that their rights aren't even debated, it's just taken for granted that human rights don't apply to these people?

I take a poll: "how many of you would agree that 'everyone deserves the right to privacy' is a pretty uncontroversial statement?"

when 95% of them have put their hands up, I say "now, what if I clarify that 'everyone' includes children?"

Anyway, what I didn't expect (but should have) was almost the entire damn lot of them wanting to sign up for my session specifically. Complete with one of the construction students asking me earnestly and intently when I'd be doing it. So!

It was an incredibly successful session - so much so, the Construction students all went back and apparently raved to their lecturers about it, and told their lecturers that it would have been really valuable at the start of their uni careers, and now the Construction guys have asked me to do it as a proper session for their first year students this term. And then one of them suggested I maybe do a session for the staff as well, so that they can see if there are any ways they could be supporting/teaching the students better.

Anyway, multiple people asked for the slides, so here you go. The focus of this one was very much on dissertations, but there's a lot that could apply more generically to other projects, and indeed ADHD life in general (it starts general and becomes specific), so if that sounds helpful, have at it.

(One thing you'll miss from the slides is the discussion stuff that goes with them, of course, so my suggestion is that you go through them with someone else and talk between you about whether you reckon each tip would apply to you and why/why not. This will give you a closer approximation of the Experience of my lecture hall.)

I'm at a Guide Dog center here in Australia. This is a legend, a tactile and Braille map of the bathroom, right outside the door.

We zoom back out while she continues, with large hand gestures,

Do you want to know what the hardest part of my day is, as a blind person? 'Cause it's probably not what you expect. It's not the fact that I can't drive, though it's not ideal. It is the fact that public bathrooms are all designed differently. Do you know how stressful it is, when I have to pee in public on my own? My boyfriend leaves me at the door of the women's room, and I have to walk into the great unknown. Is there going to be a line? Where in line am I supposed to stand? When I find the toilet - well, first off, when I'm with my guide dog I need the accessible stall, so I have to feel my way to the big stall. Then, when I get there, hopefully it's open. If not, I stand. I wait. I get in. I have to find where is the toilet paper? Where is the toilet? I have to hope to God it's clean 'cause I can't see it. Then I have to find the flusher - is it a pull, is it automatic - who knows? Then I have to find my way to the sinks. Where is the soap? Where is the dryer?

She turns back to tap excitedly on the sign.

Hello! We have found the solution.

She starts telling us what the sign says as her fingers skim over it.

So, up here it says 'female and ambulatory toilet map', and then it tells me 'A-T' means it's the 'ambulatory', which means it's the larger accessible stall. 'T' means 'toilet'. Um, down here we have, like, 'D' means 'dryer'.

She moves down to the map, showing us the location of the three stalls along the back wall.

So then I go here, and I know that this stall would be the one that my guide dog and I would use - 'cause it's the 'A-T', the bigger stall. Next to it, the two ones to the right are both normal sized toilets.

She goes back to the top left corner of the map to follow the left wall towards the front of the room. Halfway, she gets to,

Down here we have 'D', so this means it's the dryer for drying my hands.

She continues down, and at the front of the room takes turns tapping two squares for 'B', and one between them for 'S'.

We have 'S' and 'B', which means I now know: if I'm at the sinks, the soap is in between the two basins.

We zoom back out, but then she remembers something, so we go back to look at the opening at the bottom right of the map.

I want this! ... Ooh! And I know, look, here I walk in the door, so I immediately orient myself: toilets are right in front, I would go far left. Right next to the door is gonna be my sinks.

We zoom back out so she can finish,

Like, this, this is a game changer! This is a game changer. I want these everywhere. This is my plea. My next campaign. How to make toileting more accessible to everyone.