A smile better suits a hero

Highlights include:

For your first two years (when you were small) you lived in a foster home with people who raised you into a very polite young man. Two is like you plus me, that's what two is.

Some people adopted you before me and they called you Timmy (which is a stupid name) and they returned your ass almost immediately because you were so annoying at that age.

Like think about how annoying you are right now at seven years old, but way worse.

I'm better than them though, I don't call you Timmy and I wore earplugs to bed for three years because you love to scream at bedtime. Earplugs are like when I roll over and go back to sleep even when you are yelling so so so loud.

I got you at a time in my life when I was really sick (being sick is like when I'm up late because I'm throwing up and you are a very handsome good boy who sits with me) and they had to put me asleep for a procedure. A procedure is like what happened to you when they put you asleep and took your balls away.

1) calling it inaccurate to the myth is an UNDERSTATEMENT dear anon.

2) Nolan FUNDAMENTALLY misunderstands what the Odyssey is about and why it is such a significant text to greek and western culture as a whole. The slogan of the movie is: One man who defies the gods. THAT IS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE ODYSSEY IS ABOUT!!!!! THE ODYSSEY AND GREEK MYTHOLOGY AS A WHOLE ARE LESSONS ON WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER DEFY THE GODS! The whole fucking reason why Odysseus is lost for a decade at sea is because he BROKE THE LAWS OF XENIA, the laws of the Zeus. The reason why Telemachus cannot simply throw out the suitors? XENIA! The Odyssey is there to teach the readers about Xenia.

3) no greek actors in sight anywhere. Imagine if Nolan made an adaptation of journey to the west and hired only white actors from the east coast.

4) The movie was filmed in the illegally occupied western Sahara, thus supporting settlements and colonialism

5) the movie looks like ASS. No colours, no interesting settings and everything is drowned in lights. And the costumes look like they are bought from the dollar store and spray painted. The entire movie looks like a 13 year old edgelord’s definition of “coolness”

6) the same way Nolan fundamentally misunderstands the point of the Odyssey, he also fundamentally misunderstands greek culture and history. WHY IS TELEMACHUS WEARING PANTS?!? WHY IS ANYONE WEARING PANTS?! Why does Odysseus’ boat look like a viking ship? Why does the suit of armour look roman???? WHERE IS THE BRONZE?! The COLOUR?! And this is not a “whoops we were off by a few hundred years in some artistic styles”. This is a “WE WERE OFF CENTURIES! Mycenean greece and the Roman Republic are 1200 years apart. 1200 YEARS!! At that point you might as well give Odysseus a jetpack. It’s like if i made a movie adaptation of Frankenstein, still set in the 1800s, and made Victor wear jeans and sneakers. It is THAT level of inaccurate. Pretty much the only historical accurate part in this movie is one of the suitors gay flirting with Telemachus as a way to assert dominance. Which yeah, is something the greeks did, using homosexuality as a way to dominate other men.

7) WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO LET AGAMEMNON AURA FARM? Agamemnon! AGA-FUCKING-MEMNON!!!! AURA FARMING?????????

8) Nolan is so preoccupied with being a pretentious fuckass that he lets this get in the way of his own art’s quality.

9) bro took out the whole “nobody blinded me” scene. You know… the story that just so HAPPENS TO BE THE CATACLYSM FOR THE WHOLE STORY!

10) it just fully gets rid of the gods. Poseidon? Never appears. Zeus? Never appears. Again Nolan is a pretentious asshole who tries to turn the Odyssey, again a book about the laws of the gods and why you need to respect them, into an atheist redditors wet dream. And i am saying this as a staunch cold hard atheist myself. Imagine if someone made a movie based on the new testament and just COMPLETELY left out God, the angels, the immaculate conception or that Jesus is the messiah.

11) After Nolan was done shooting the movie, instead of safely getting rid of all the equipment and stage props, HE JUST DUMPED IT ALL INTO THE OCEAN!

12) Zendaya (and I think some of the other actors but I’m not sure) wore ancient bronze discs that were stolen from an archeological dig and turned into Earrings to the premier of this movie. This whole movie LITERALLY supports art theft and the theft of ancient cultural artefacts by doing this. And as an archeologist specialised in ancient roman and greek history: I AM PISSED!!!!!!!!