On People, Pancakes, Dissociation and the like
Its kind of funny right? When you're zooming through the world? A conversation here, a funfact there, oh look at the funny meme I sent you, of course I'm fine, banger joke you posted, bestie holy shit yes I love you, but actually I don't even fucking know who you are.
Do I need to repeat that? I don't know who you are. I love you, you're my best friend. I don't know your favorite color. I love you, I tell you all of my trauma. I have no idea what your last name is. I love you, I'd trust you with my passwords. I don't even actually know where you live. I love you, talking to you is so cool. I have no idea what you do on a daily basis or how you're feeling today. But hey I love you.
I don't know my mums favorite artist, or my dads childhood dreams. I have no idea what my youngest brother wants to do when he grows up and I don't know what kind of shows my other brother watches. I don't know when I've last seen my grandma and I don't know anything other than name and occupation of any of my other relatives.
Why? Because I didn't ask. Because I didn't listen. Because they stopped being people to me. Because even I stopped being a person to myself.
The world went all empty, all fluffy foggy fuzzy weird. NPC interactions, downloadable affection and reduction to the tiniest of matters.
Do I really need to know things about you, if I can click the button and send you all the memes, so you can like them and affirm that I remembered what three things you like to receive videos about? I have no idea if you might be d*ad tomorrow and if thats something I could have known, had I ever bothered to ask you anything, but look a silly cat, now like it and let me know I chose right.
God the chasing of shallow validation and affirmation is gonna be the death of me.
I don't stop to think if the person crossing the street right in front of my nose is...you know...a person. I don't know if they are anyone, or no one and oh look they got run over. Sack of meat is now a pancake and theres sauce all over the asphalt and thats all they are, because they aren't real. Another one will spawn eventually and maybe they'll be run over too, but thats okay because another one will spawn eventually.
If only they were a person to me, I might have thought about the family they'll never come home to, about the dreams they'll never get to fulfill and about the hundreds of belongings of theirs that'll end up in a landfill or a strangers home. But hey luckily they aren't a person to me, because that sounds exhausting and really I have a bus to catch and videos to watch, no time to dwell on that.
No wonder I never understood why people cry for strangers, if they're less than strangers to me. Can't grieve, what you don't perceive.
A professor is only there to hold the lecture for me, another student only there to provide short entertainment or company in the canteen, a coworker there to make the shift less boring and a neighbor there to make the neighborhood less empty.
Of course I'll be the surprised pikachu meme if they start talking about their feelings and worries and goals and hobbies, because what do you mean, you actually...exist? I forgot other people do that. I'm too baffled to really listen or care and I have no idea how the conversation ended, but you greet me the next day, so I'm sure I haven't said anything too rude.
Relearning again and again, that people are more than just two dimensional beings with a single purpose, kinda sucks and makes you feel like either you're an imposter or they are. Because how do I know this theoretically, but also never actually KNOW it?
Hey four limbed creature over there, what do you mean your thought process is different than mine? What do you mean you enjoy something I hate? What do you mean you experience emotions I can't even name? Are you sure you're not just a bug? I think you should have despawned long ago to save me from having to have the realization that I forgot again. How dare you and wheres my weapon to make you despawn a little faster? Oh I forgot to put it in my inventory again, but hey maybe you can walk into the road for me?
Insensitive thoughts, they say, absolutely inappropiate, but how am I supposed to know? You are the ones being buggy and weird, because NPCs don't care about that kind of stuff. Why is everyone forgetting their rules and roles???
Lights are flashing, fog is lifting, I want to cry, but I can't and I hear them scream, so I cover my ears, because this is wrong, oh so wrong.
Watch the videos, watch more, scroll further. Can't feel, can't think, people are just little characters on your screen. Theres no consequences, your best friends liked your memes, its okay you're chosing right.
Shit...people are people and they feel and they think and they want and I didn't know, how the fuck did I not know, this is too much, shut it off, shut it off, off I fucking said.
Look a silly little cat, they'll love that. Oh more cats, send send send, yes they liked it, more cats, god I'm excelling at this friendship thing, I'm amazing, they are just cat.
Right? No. Wait...no. They aren't just cat, fuck they're more, do I need to send anything else? How do you talk to people? What is people, what the fuck is people if not people being people, nothing makes sense, you need to shut it off.
Memories flood in. Moments in time where I knew it all. Moments where I obsessed and needed to know every detail, every little thing. I took notes, I remembered it all, I-....why did I ever stop? Right. Knowing people hurts, if they're just shadows they can't hurt you. Dissociate, push them away, prevent the hurt, its perfect, I feel so lonely - wait fuck no bad shit that wasn't supposed to happen.
How do I get it back? Right just choose one, 1...2...3...you. Tell me all about you, give me attention, watch all the things I give you, I love you, be mine, no stay away shit, don't be a person, you'll hurt me...but god I love you, but nope no I won't care, come closer, don't leave me, but stay a shadow, make it stop.
Memories, memories ah yes its always been this way right? People are people and I love it and I want to crawl into every crevice of their brain, but also no stop people from being people, because I can't take it if they are. Push and pull, shove and yearn, loop-de-loop, do a flip.
Imagine them d*ad until it doesn't bother you. Remember they're just a sack of meat, they'll be a pile of bones eventually, maybe another pancake, maybe in pieces, who knows, but you don't have to care, because they aren't people, except they are and it no longer vanishes forever.
I was so good at forgetting people are people and at making them just husks and shadows, but now they are flesh and blood and I forgot it all. I forgot what they like and who they are and how you crawl into their crevices and I know its my fault, but also fucking hell couldn't you have stayed a shadow? You had one job. Please don't make this harder for me, but also I know hard is the only way through, so please let me crawl inside of you.
I don't know who you are. I want to know. I forgot how to know. I was a terrible friend, terrible person to interact with, I still am sometimes, I forgot how not to be, but I want to learn. That counts for something right? Aren't I doing better? Asking more? I am, right?
Chasing the affection, chasing the validation, chasing the closeness, while being everything and nothing and remembering myself and forgetting some, but I'm chasing.
Its awkward, its uncomfortable, I care even though I don't want to, things affect me even if I don't understand how and still some things stay foggy and fuzzy and maybe thats a work in progress, but also I'm flipping out and I'm confused and I hate every part of this, but also I yearn and I'm lonely and I know I've been here before and I know I'm looping, but I wanna stay in this part of the loop this time.
I wanna feel pain, I wanna be uncomfortable, I wanna push the limits, I want more. I want to crawl into you and scan every corner of your brain and I want to let you in my mind and I'm afraid, but I don't wanna run and push and pull this time. I wanna be, I wanna see people, I wanna be people. Please?