watching children successfully and compassionately self-mediate conflict and wondering if it's possible to pinpoint where exactly it all goes wrong for us
group of kids aged ~4 to ~8. little boy starts crying. the group descends from all corners of the play room and start by asking him if he's okay, if he got hurt. they tell him it's okay to cry if he's feeling sad or mad, it's okay, it's all okay.
they ask him if he wants to talk about it because they can solve their problems together. they have perfected empathetic tone modulation and sympathy sharing. ("my sister takes toys when it's not her turn and it makes me mad and i cry too. it's okay to cry if you're mad.") their clumsy little hands are patting him on the back and hugging at his arms. we are a species of immaculate mimicry.
he says jessica was mean to him. 3 of them who know jessica agree that jessica is never ever mean, so they posit that perhaps there was maybe an accidentally communication error ("maybe you didn't mean to say something that hurt her feelings! it's okay! it was nobody's fault if you did!") or that maybe jessica is having a bad day. they are working together to completely remove blame from the situation, effectively cooperatively de-escalating. there's a little bit of talking over each other, but no one puts down anyone else's ideas. if they do disagree, they subtly "yeah that, but also maybe—" to it so no one feels like their idea was stupid or bad or wrong. i don't even think they know they're doing it. inclusivity requires absolutely no thought or effort.
they hunt down jessica and bring her to the tribunal. jessica is also treated to blame cancelling, comforting touches, lack of judgement, and sympathetic tones. they ask her if she's feeling okay. they tell her she made arjun cry "accidentally and not on purpose" and they want to fix what happened.
jessica and arjun stand opposite in a circle of very concerned little faces eager to problem solve. jessica (crying) says she didn't like the way arjun was playing. arjun (also crying) says he didn't know because she didn't tell him the rules. jessica says she's sorry. arjun says he's sorry. they hug it out. the group is very excited to have successfully solved conflict and immediately announce they'll be doing a new activity, all together.
i clean up the play area and wonder what they'll all be like in 20 years.
