Literary Starfish

Ivy heard him stand up and immediately felt a firm hand on her arm spin her around to face him.

He gripped her arms tightly— almost angrily. Her nerves fluttered in surprise for a moment, not quite anticipating something so rough from someone who had seemed so calm just a moment ago. Perhaps his resolve was finally cracking.

“What do you mean by that?” His voice had dropped with anger and concern. It was more gravelly as he tried to force answers from her. The way it did when he was questioning the enemy. “Ivy, you’re worrying me now. What is going on? Did someone do something to you? Did you get into trouble? What happened?”

She could tell he was intently searching her face for answers. His brows furrowed together looking for any sort of clue to know what she was talking about. She could see the concern written in his eyes. He kept his face purposefully and tactfully devoid of emotion on scoutings and missions, so to see such clear worry? She knew he only showed it for her.

She felt guilty for causing him to worry and the guilt hit her like a ton of bricks. 

But she couldn’t ease the worry without telling him too much… 

The tears that she’d been desperately trying to keep back immediately filled her eyes. This wasn't how any of this was supposed to go.

“Tell me, Ivy! I can’t help you if I don’t know!”

“I wish I could tell you!” She yelled back exasperatedly before she stepped closer and dropped her head into his chest, knowing he'd catch her. Like he always did. Saltwater was now streaming uncontrollably down her face, wetting his shirt. She didn't care. And neither did he.

“I wish I could tell anyone," she lamented, "Maybe at least it would feel better than to keep it all a secret but I can't. It will only make it worse."

“You can tell me anything. Unless… Do you not trust me? Is there something I could do to make you trust me more? Make it so you can tell me what the problem is?” The harshness in his voice broke down. He now just seemed desperate to get her to give him answers. 

He held her close to his chest when she didn't immediately answer, one arm protectively around her back, and the other softly running through her hair to calm her. 

Usually this would work. Just the feeling of him being there would usually work, but she feels the weight of it all beginning to pile up this time. Its overwhelming her. Crushing her. And she wasn’t quite sure how to fight it.

The traders? Razers? Those she could fight. Her own mind? She was losing that battle.

“It’s not about trust, Nathan. This is something else entirely. I’d trust you with anything and everything— you know that. But this... it’s… it's for your own good.” She felt his hand hesitate for a split second, before resuming its path through her hair.

“You are protecting me from something?” He meant to sound calm as he questioned her, but she could hear the slight stiffness to his tone. She could tell this bothered him more than he wanted to let on. He was not used to being the one protected. 

He’s protected his little brother and everyone close to him— hell, he protected everyone in the Hole— with everything he’s got and the best he can. It has been the sole purpose for him to be fighting so hard. And now, just the thought that she needed to protect him made him uncomfortable. The fact that this was something that wasn't in his control and he didn't know what to protect her from, she could tell it scared him. The rising storm beneath his eyes betrayed it this whole time. Its what has gutted her more than anything.

“I’m protecting you from this— from me. I want you to know everything but you can't help and it would only put you in danger. More than I've selfishly pulled you into already. You don’t understand what kind of threats I’m putting in your path just by being so close to you.”

“If you haven’t noticed, Ivy, we’re in danger all the damn time!” He countered. “The more you talk like this, the more I worry about you, anyway. Even if you don’t want me to. I’ve been through a lot. I can handle a lot. I want to help you but I can't if you don't tell me how. Is it one of the traders gone after you? Is it the Razers? Did something happen during one of the missions you didn't tell me about?"

Ivy stayed quiet. She wished it was something as simple as a trader or even the Razers again. But she couldn't tell him even if she wanted to.

Nathan sighed, realizing she wouldn’t talk. "I can’t imagine that this thing you think you have to keep secret from me is something that I haven't gone through already or something we can't figure out together.” 

Hearing him speak briefly of his past experiences, she was reminded of how little she really knew of him from before they met. But also how little he knew of her. They’ve been through a lot together— more than most people in their entire lives— but that doesn’t mean the past disappears. It doesn’t mean you know someone inside and out.

And Nathan doesn’t know. 

He doesn’t understand. 

And the only person who does know has been missing for days because of it.

…But of course, Chris is fine. Of course he is…

She knows he’s fine. Plus, Chris is always fine.

He is! He’s fine! He has to be.

He’s gone off the grid to avoid them tracking him like this before and always came back fine, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t worry. Chris doesn’t deserve what she’s put him through, but at least he understands why and how this all happened. How they both got into such a mess. He has been there since the beginning with her.

Nathan… he doesn’t have a clue. She would be throwing him needlessly and blindly into a fight he wouldn’t even begin to comprehend. Not before it was too late, anyway.

“Even if you could, I’m not making you suffer through anything else on my part.”

“I can do whatever you need me to do,” he said after a moment with a sigh that was more heart wrenching to her than she thought it could be. “I want you to know I would endure whatever it is you think you're protecting me from. I’d dance through every layer of hell for you. You know that, don’t you?”

She curled in tighter to his warmth. "I know.” That’s what scares me, she added to herself. “But I can’t ask you to do that. Not this time. This is my problem.”

She felt him lift her chin up from his chest so that he could look into her eyes, but she refused to look straight at him. She knew it would feel like he was spying into her soul. His eyes saw everything. They’ve done it before. And they’d do it again. She wasn’t taking the chance.

“Beautiful girl, please look at me.”

“No…” her childish answer trailed off weakly, choked by the tears she was ashamed to know he could clearly see. But she couldn’t hold them back, either. 

She'd reprimand herself later for showing her weakness. She should be stronger than this. She’s fought too hard and for too long to suddenly break down like this. But being with him made her feel like she could. Like he is the last safe space she has that she doesn't have to act like she is made of steel. 

The last place she has that she doesn’t have to act like she’s not terrified for the future that only seems to be getting grayer as the seconds tick by.

His hands engulfed either side of her face and she felt him tuck strands of loose hair behind her ears before he used his thumbs to wipe away the tears staining her face. It was useless since new ones took their place almost immediately but he tried a few times anyway. He then pulled her into a crushing hug, but she accepted the closeness. 

At this moment, his arms felt like the only things holding her together. She took the moment to steel herself. Knowing that as soon as he let her go, she would have to pick up her own pieces and run. 

Run so that he wouldn’t have to keep holding her together like this.

Run so that she could do as she needed without hurting him.

Run so that nothing could harm him to get to her.

Run so that she could get far enough away from him that she wouldn’t turn around and run back into his arms.

“Ivy,” her name broke through the storm of thoughts raging in her head.

“Yeah..?” she pulled her head back from his chest, looking up at his face when he didn’t continue right away. He was thinking hard, as lost in his thoughts as she had been. She could tell by the way his brows scrunched a little and he was chewing his lip.

“…Nathan?” She tried again. He held her a bit tighter, coming back to the present.

“Ivy, please answer me one thing?” He looked into her eyes. They were fierce with something serious. She nodded despite herself, not sure if there were any questions she could truly answer.

“Are you in danger?”

She didn’t answer, but the silence between them was thick and heavy. She knew he already had his answer. He wrapped around her more protectively, as if that unnamed danger was ready to jump out from any shadow in this room. His features hardened. All emotion was wrenched from his body, but his touch on her skin was still gentle and soft.

The fighter/ interrogator/ leader in him versus the one that was too kind and caring for his own good.

The juxtaposition made her head spin. How could he be two different people at the same time? An emotionless fighter ready to take on any challenge in his way and someone so soft and loving he could make her heart melt and keep an entire community together with ease. How can both of these sides be so deeply present and true in one man, let alone at the same time?

And then there was the way he could read people— read her just by looking into her eyes was jarring. He was having a conversation with her soul that she only wish she could hear. He was coercing his own answers from her mind as if he was asking her directly. There was a reason he was an interrogator. He could read lies and truths as if they'd been written in books. He could get answers from nothing with just a look.

And it was one of these answers he wrought from her that he questioned next. A simple question that made her heart jump into her throat. One that told her he already knew too much.

“Ivy, where’s Chris?”

“He’s fine.” She answered a little too quickly. His eyes narrowed, catching her lie.

“That’s not what I asked. Where is he?”

“I’m not his babysitter.” She pulled herself from his arms and tried to play nonchalant when she felt nothing like it. She plopped down on the bed with a shrug. He could see right through it but she played the game anyway. Her instinct is to lie so she did without question, knowing it was for the best. 

It felt wrong to lie to Nathan so bluntly but she was quick to revert to her previous ways when she felt threatened. The ways she has always used to protect herself, and now it would be the best way to protect him.

Nathan wasn't a threat, but she knew all too well that he could be used as one. And that's why she needed to leave. To lie. It would be easier to run if she started now, anyway. If she started planting seeds of little lies, she’d be able to reap what she sowed later. It would be easier to make a clean break.

Maybe she should take a page from Chris’s handbook and go offgrid. Get out. Maybe stay that way. She wouldn’t have anything to come back to once she turned away from him anyway. 

“What are you thinking?” Nathan asked her gruffly, clearly not done reading her with that uncanny ability of his. 

“What?” She blanched, praying she hadn't somehow said her thoughts aloud.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop. Right now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You do not get to think about leaving.”

“But I didn’t—“

“You were. You were thinking about it.”

“But I’m not—“

“Bullshit. You’re lying. You know you can’t lie to me. You’re already pulling away from me. I can see it. I will not let you run from me.”

“I’m not pulling away. I just— I can’t— It’s just that—“ she couldn’t finish any of her sentences since her brain couldn’t come up with a single thing to make this sound better than it was. 

Why did he have to steal my tongue as well? It's bad enough he’s taken my heart but he had to take my ability to lie now also? She prided herself on scheming her way out of things. But he took none of her shit. He saw through it.

He’s determined to make this harder for the both of them.

“Why are you doing this?” She finally had to ask him, her resolve cracking and tears were welling again in her eyes.

This man will break her down to nothing before he lets her go. That she knew for sure. 

His eyes darkened. His frustration was evident.

“What am I doing? Huh?” He was furious. “Tell me, Ivy. What am I doing other than keeping you from disappearing out from under my nose? Trying to keep you from getting hurt? You just told me you were in danger and here you are planning to run off, making it so I can't protect you!” She shrunk down to a quarter of her size and pulled her knees to her chest.

“I said nothing about danger,” She answered quietly. Pathetically. Her voice cracked.

“Bullshit!” He yelled, throwing his hands into the air in exasperation. An explosion of emotion he usually kept tucked carefully away. He looked to the ceiling and closed his eyes, running a hand over his face and composing himself, as if realizing the same thing. After a moment he took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. Then he looked back to her, his eyes soft again.

But determinded.

"Ivy. I know admitting this is stupid and dangerous, but I can't do this anymore." Her eyes widened, unsure what was coming next. "You’re the only person I’ve ever truly fallen in love with. I love you. I do. " Her breath caught in her throat at the words. She tried to hide it. She failed.

Nathan continued. "And I know this is possibly the worst time to fall in love with the Razors breathing down our neck and the traders looking for Lily and Gabe and the mess the last few missions have become and — fucking hell— Brayden, too?!” He let out a tight breath, the pain of losing a teammate and friend to the enemy would never get easier. It wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last. It will never get easier.

“But I can't help it. And before I regret not telling you, I’ll say it again. I. love. you." He met her eyes with determination. "And I can’t let you leave. Not now. Not ever. If you do, I will find you. I want to be by your side for as long I live. Even if that means tomorrow or years from now. I can’t imagine being without you for even one moment. I want to protect you. Keep you safe."

He slowly walked over to her and she just sat watching him, with her chin tucked into her knees and her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Tears were falling pitifully off her cheeks. He kneels and places his forehead to hers as he tangles his hand in the back of her hair, gently but firmly keeping her close. She freezes and refuses to look at his face, even as close as they are now, so she stares down at her knees instead. 

Why did those words she’s always longed to hear and always imagined would bring joy and happiness… I love you... Why did they have to feel like they were ripping out her very heart?

“How can I protect you if you don’t tell me what you’re running from? I want to help you. I have to make sure you are okay. Please. I don’t beg but I will for you. I will be on hands and knees asking you to please let me in. Please,” he sounded so broken. She hated that she was the one to do that to him. “I’m begging you. I’m not much in this world, but you’ve brought me so much purpose. I will protect what’s mine. Please let me do the one thing I can be good at. I can fight. I can be strong. Please let me do that for you.”

His confessions are becoming too much for her heart to bear. All this time longing to hear words like this from him, officially claiming her as his like she had once— foolishly— wished she could be, was meant to be a happy moment in her otherwise dismal life. She was meant to love and adore every moment of this and at once point, she might have. She was supposed to finally have the courage to admit her feelings as well. 

But now she couldn’t. She never could again. And she would never even hope that she would be able to. Even if she manages to find an end to all of this and make it through in one piece. Even if she manages to right her wrongs and finally take down Grey. But there is no guarantee that she would survive any of this. There is no guarantee that she will make it even one day the moment she runs.

And there wasn’t a single chance or hope that he would be willing to wait for her. Especially if she manages to spit out the words she knows she has to say next. The ones that go against every feeling she’s ever felt for Nathan.

Even if her heart doesn’t explode on the spot, it will be the end of her. She knew she wasn’t willing to let her past hurt him, but it would be the death of her to make sure it would happen. Even if she physically survives, she won't be living without him. 

Ivy pushed him away, her decision made. Her tears had spilled for what she would be losing, still wet on her face. Now, she felt the facade of her old life slip into place much too easily. She felt every emotion flee her. She felt her past self joining her in the present.

“I don’t need you to protect me, Nathan. I don’t need you to help. You can protect the others but I don't need it. I never have and I never will.”

She took a deep breath. All of her training and all of the experiences of her past that has always allowed her to lie smoothly and confidently, were suddenly too easy. She would do anything to keep him safe. Even locking herself away behind her training again. Even if she promised herself she'd never go back to that robotic, unfeeling weapon Grey tried to turn her into before Chris had found her.

It was like her head had finally overridden her heart and was doing what it had to. Only this time, it wasn't for the Razor's whims. It was for herself. It was for Nathan. She wasn’t sure why or how the flip happened, but she was glad it did.

“You have been a great friend to me, Nathan, but that’s all it would ever be. I don’t love you. And I don’t need you to protect me. If I let something hurt you just because I selfishly enjoyed the friendship you have given me, I would feel incredibly guilty. That’s all. Guilt for allowing a friendship that I had craved but never been offered an opportunity to have. You gave me that opportunity and I latched onto it and I dragged you down with me. I don’t know how I let you misunderstand that more feelings could be had, but you are not more than that to me. Thank you for the kindness you have shown me from the beginning. I regret that I am only able to pay it back by leaving for your sake. I’m sorry.” The last two words were for more than he would ever know but nothing in her tone changed to give away all the meaning she wanted to put to them.

Cold. Unfeeling. And yet it hurt.

She didn't dare look at him. She didn't want to see what was on his face. It was the only thing that might break her down in this moment.

She stood and dusted herself off, readying to leave. She didn't want to.

She had to. He forced her hand sooner than she'd have liked.

"Bullshit,” came quietly from the silence.

She stopped short, nerves tense.

"What?"

"That's fucking bullshit and you know it,” he stated angrily, like he knew the truth.

"What are you talking about? I don't—"

"Don't fucking lie to me. Don't fucking do this."

He wouldn't let her leave.

He will break her down to nothing before he lets her leave.

"You know nothing about me."

"I know enough to know you're lying. I know enough to know you don't feel that way. I know enough to know you love me too."

"You don't."

"I do."

"Fuck you," she hissed out, years of training crumbling against him in seconds, hating the way he was clawing at her heart to keep her here. He would break her down to nothing before he lets her go. "Just let me do this for you. Let me go."

"No."

Ivy took a steadying breath before she spoke again. "You're willing to put Jason in that kind of danger? One you know nothing about?"

Nathan's eyes narrowed, everything else leaving them but suspicion and accusations that pierced through her. She knew bringing up his brother would get the reaction she was looking for from him. She still regretted bringing him into it anyway.

"Just what are you suggesting here, Ivy?"

"I'm suggesting that you don't trust a girl you don't really know who brings death everywhere she goes."

"You're not that girl."

"You. Don't. Know. Me."

"Are you saying you'd hurt Jason?"

"I'm saying I can't promise he won't be."

The silence between the two of them grew tense. Neither looked away from the other's glare. Both trying to read the other's next move.

Nathan broke first.

"So that's it then?"

"What else do you want to hear?"

Nathan pauses for a beat. His glare never leaving hers.

"Tell me you love me. Don't lie and say this was just a misunderstanding."

She faltered— only slightly. Her facade shadowed her features again in a split second.

Nathan still saw through it.

"I can't do that," she said between clenched teeth.

"You can. You won't."

"You're right. I won't. Because I can’t."

"Say it. Say it and I'll let you go."

"You won't even if I did."

"Tell me you love me too. Say it. Whether you believe it or not, say it. If it's a lie like you say it is, I'll know and I'll let you go."

"And if it's real?" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself. Nathan raised a brow.

"Is it?"

"No."

"Then say it. And you'll be free to go. I won't follow you."

"You can't do this to me."

"And you can't leave like this."

“I need to.”

"You don't." He demanded, but she held his glare. She wouldn't break this time. She wouldn't back down. Not when it's his safety in the line.

Finally his glare turned soft and he sighed. He took a gentle step closer. His hand reached out and cupped her cheek. She didn't pull away like she knew she should have. His eyes held hers in a plea, a storm brewing in them. He bared his soul to her and only her and she knew that.

"You don't need to leave," he stated again but before she could argue, he continued, "But you'll find a way to do it anyway. So please," his voice softened, sounding vulnerable and broken, "tell me. Just this once. I love you, Ivy. I love you so much. Please tell me you love me too. Tell me it wasn't a lie."

She saw the truth in his words. He knew she would leave. He knew her decision was made and she would find a way to run. He was giving her the mercy to do so gracefully.

But he would break her down to nothing before he let her go.

She knew that he would.

And he found her most vulnerable piece. The one he'd already managed to crack. And he was precise in his attack. He knew just where to hit to shatter her like glass.

"Please don't do this," she begged in a watery whisper. Her voice was broken and pleading. Nothing like the cold, unfeeling weapon's tone she'd taken on just moments before.

He broke her down to nothing in seconds.

He pulled her tightly into his chest for a second time that night.

"I love you, Ivy."

"… I love you too."

She was gone by the time morning came around. Nathan knew she would be. But it didn't hurt any less, trudging to the room he knew would be stripped of essentials and finding the bed he'd grown accustomed to seeing a living, breathing lump in every morning suddenly so empty and flat. The sheets hadn't even been touched. She hadn't slept in them last night. She was likely gone the moment she'd packed the last item.

Nathan sighed and made his way to the next room in his usual routine.

He was suprised to find Jason awake and sitting up in bed, back turned from the door. The boy didn't look at his older brother come in, though Nathan knew he would have heard him.

Nathan was about to greet him as he did every morning, before he saw Jason's shoulders jump with a choked down sob he was clearly trying to hide.

"Jason?" He asked gently, instead.

The boy quickly wiped at his face that Nathan knew would be streaked with salty water lines if he could see it.

"She's gone," Jason said solemnly, holding back another sob.

"What?" But Nathan knew 'what'. He just didn't know how Jason knew already. He'd have been surprised if Ivy had gone to Jason to tell him she was leaving in the middle of the night. He thought he would have to be the one to break the news to the boy.

"I saw her… I… I couldn't sleep and… and I heard you two talking. I didn't hear anything. I didn’t listen like you always tell me to. I didn't eavesdrop, I promise. But… but then I saw her leaving. She had a big bag with her. And her bed was empty this morning."

Jason turned to his brother, tears streaming down his face. His small voice broke with his next words.

Sometimes the pain is just too much to get through to enjoy at all and the few times they do get past it, it still aches horribly during and oftentimes after. But they were good at keeping their grievances to themself. Whumper taught them one useful thing, anyway. And if it meant Caretaker had fun? They’d do it.

They endure enjoy it because Caretaker enjoys it but that’s just about it. They can be happy about it because the one they love is happy. They aren’t happy to do it. But they are happy to do it for Caretaker.

They don’t tell Caretaker that they aren’t into it because they don’t want to take away something Caretaker enjoys to do with them (never mind that they have a slight nagging in the back of their mind that if they don’t do this for Caretaker, that they’d get bored of Whumpee and get rid of leave them like Whumper always threatened to). Or perhaps they’re embarrassed to ask about it because what if they really are doing it wrong? Or that they’re embarrassed that they seem to be the one person on earth who doesn’t enjoy it.

Plus, theres one part they really really do enjoy. The moments after. The loving cuddles and skin-to-skin closeness and soft kisses and this ‘aftercare’ thing they do (as Caretaker calls it) and they would hate to mess up such a wonderful thing just because they can’t take it. Even if they have to get through something they don’t like to get to the nice part. At least there IS a nice part. With Whumper, there was never a nice part.

What would Caretaker say if they ever found out?

What would Caretaker do if they found out in the middle of it— when Whumpee gasps in a way that sounds too much like pain or flinches away when it’s too much? Would they rip themself away, leaving Whumpee feeling more alone and hurt than if they’d continued? Would they panic that they’d been hurting their partner like this? Refuse to touch them again? Feel guilt for being no better than Whumper? Do they upset or frustrated (in a caring way but it’s hard to tell the difference for Whumpee) that they never told them it hurt? Did they even know about this part of their past with Whumper? Do they learn about it now, as Whumpee tearily tells them what Whumper did to them?

How would Whumpee react to Caretaker figuring out their secret? Do they panic? Beg to go back to the way it was? Plead to still be allowed to do it “so we can still cuddle after. Please”? Swear they’ll learn how to be better? Do they feel guilty for making Caretaker upset? Or for having to stop before Caretaker finishes? Are they scared to know how Caretaker would react? Running away instead of facing them?