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it's worth noting that while the US government has done a horrible job approaching the pandemic, there's also a competitive individualism among US citizens where people don't care to do even the bare minimum to protect others in the first place, and it's so fucking aggravating.
literally this insanely careless attitude during a pandemic is not as normal a thing as you'd assume and it's time to stop fucking glorifying it as peak freedom. in some countries wearing a face mask even when you're just sick in general to protect yourself and others is normal, let alone during a whole pandemic.
Okay no one on Tumblr that I've seen has been talking about the wine and cheese thing, but that means no one is reflecting on the absolute weapons-grade hilarity of Boris Johnson trying to inchworm his way out of trouble by claiming that he didn't know about it
Like... that wine and cheese party was the Downing Street works Christmas do. Not just any old social, the Christmas social. There were invitations. There was music. Every single worker in Downing Street was invited, even Debbie from accounts. People who didn't work there but were important to the government got invited.
And Boris is therefore claiming that all his mates got together and had a party and DIDN'T INVITE HIM.
Not only that, but they deliberately kept it a secret from him, because no one wanted him there to ruin the party because no one likes him, and I just...
The key difference between Johnson and Trump always came down to this: Johnson wants to be liked. He genuinely does. Trump wanted to be respected and feared and obeyed, he wanted to be seen as powerful and suave and cool. But he didn't care about how liked he was. Johnson, though, really fucking does. He's a deeply pathetic little twat, and he wants people to like him.
So, his choices currently are
Tell everyone in the country that his own friends and coworkers actually cannot stand him, to the point that they arranged an entire Christmas party without him
Admit that he was there and immediately be hated by literally every single human being in the country, including his own voters (hello North Shropshire), because while the rest of us spent Christmas 2020 in a lockdown and unable to see each other and in many cases literally alone, him and his mates held an illegal Christmas party that the police are refusing to investigate
His popularity is now nosediving in the polls, and it really cannot be stated how much that will be burning him.
Also, pro-Brexit Tories are even pissed off with him now. Which is a bit like someone buying a cake called a pus cake with pictures of pus all over the box and a warning sign that says This Cake Contains Pus and Other Bodily Fluids, and then crying because when they tried to eat the pus cake they found it was filled with pus. But also really funny.
Anyway, I'm placing the bet now: we will see a vote of no confidence, OR he'll jump before he has to experience that (because it would kill him), and our next PM will be Rishi Sunak
They had a secret Christmas party that was so big that they were sending out invites to non government members which they didn't want him at, so they... what, had his mistress drug him with hefty amounts of antihistamines? He went out for the evening (also illegal at the time) and they partied hard on cheese and wine for precisely two hours and 46 minutes, then everyone went silent and snuck out when he came back?
A whole team of cleaners had to tiptoe about for four hours so they wouldn't wake up the clown upstairs.
So, let's update for those who don't know. Bear with me, I may get a couple of dates slightly wrong. First, shout out to the incredible investigative journalism and absolutely chessmaster-level shrewdness of Pippa Crerar for both digging up this story and for picking precisely the right moments to release it, morsel by morsel, to bring down Boris Johnson and possibly the whole damn government.
So after Johnson claimed he didn't know about it, then the Mirror published photos showing he was there and hosted a quiz. So, undeniable, Boris was at the Christmas party.
The Metropolitan Police declare that, even though they are investigating and fining people up to £12,000 a pop for lockdown parties, and doing so is literally their job, they will not investigate the government because "there isn't enough evidence". ACAB etc
Then, the Guardian reveals photos of Boris Johnson, his mistress, and Dominic Cummings eating cheese and drinking wine in the sun (with others around them) in the Downing Street garden, not allowed at the time (we were literally not allowed to leave home at the time). That day, Matt Hancock urges people not to have cheese and wine parties in their own gardens in spite of the nice May weather.
Then the Mirror reveals that there was actually another whole ass party - in May 2020, where 30 gathered in the garden of Downing Street (at the time we were not allowed more than 2 households meeting outside). Boris denies that it was a party, and claims it was merely a weirdly well catered work event that included his gin-drinking mistress and baby for some reason.
Then, the invites to the party were leaked by ITV. Turns out, 100 people were invited "to make the most of the lovely weather." It also told attendees to "bring their own booze."
Then an inquiry begins, carried out by Sue Gray. She is in fact a member of Number 10 staff, but no idea how independent she'll actually be one way or the other. Either way, the police are still literally refusing to investigate so lmao that's what we've got. She did get Damien Green fired for that porn thing, though, so that's encouraging.
Then this week, Johnson goes on Prime Minister's Questions. He sort of apologises, and claims that he was only there for 25 minutes but implies he then left because it felt more like an illegal social than the work event he was expecting, which is interesting, since his mistress was necking gin next to him the whole time. He should have just asked her, like. She could have clarified.
Then the Times reveals a source at the party who says that no, Boris stayed WAAAYYYY longer and spent his time wandering around and 'gladhanding' people (side note, posh people have weird words).
Then yesterday, even though we now have evidence and a confession of criminality, the Met Police announce that they will not investigate unless/until the Gray Inquiry finds evidence of criminality, which is just...an astonishingly open display of corruption, really. A real quiet-part-loud moment.
THEN, within hours, it's revealed that there were ANOTHER TWO PARTIES, except... Okay you're going to want to sit down, because shit hit the fan yesterday.
These two parties happened on the day of Prince Philip's funeral last year, aka Put Philip In The Floor Day. At the time, restrictions meant just 30 people could attend that funeral.
Which means, the Telegraph ran this headline and image:
I know we all hate the royals on Tumblr, but you have to understand just how hard that headline, and that image, and that message, hits British society. The Queen, beloved monarch, "forced to grieve alone" while the government danced and drank the night away. You cannot imagine how much power that image holds. You cannot begin to imagine the social power of it.
Boris Johnson can. He was polling only one point above Theresa May's all time low within the hour. That is a devastating popularity drop for the man who needs to be loved, who came to power on a cult of personality.
So, he went on PMQs again, to apologise to Lizzie Two. It's a really funny apology because he kind of can't apologise without admitting it and there's an enquiry going on so it's real vague, but he does cop to the parties on Put Philip In The Floor Day. Keir Starmer, in a rare display of actually providing some opposition, put the boot in quite nicely:
Well, there we have it. After months of deceit and deception, the pathetic spectacle of a man who's run out of road.
His defence, that he didn't realise he was at a party, is so ridiculous that it's actually offensive to the British public.
He's finally been forced to admit what everyone knew that when the whole country was locked down, he was hosting boozy parties in Downing Street.
Is he now going to do but decent thing and resign?
Which brings us to today! How is the Prime Minister coping with the situation?
Well, according to a leak from the Independent, he literally spent today working out which senior officials he can force to resign and take the blame in order to save himself in a move that he, a grown man who has fathered six or possibly seven children who is Prime Minister of the country, is without irony calling, and I am not making this up...
Operation Save Big Dog.
Big Dog is him. He is Big Dog. He has called himself Big Dog. He chose to call himself Big Dog.
Except, the Independent leaked it, as I say, so now he looks EVEN WORSE.
And Then
The Mirror's front page for tomorrow is revealed.
They have a photo of a wine fridge (capable of holding up to 34 bottles of wine) being delivered to Number 10.
Because, they reveal, these parties were not special events only.
Downing Street has been holding what they called Wine Time Fridays every week during the pandemic. They used to hold them before as well; but apparently, they've been particularly popular during lockdown.
Current polling as of 14th January 2022:
Labour 41%
Tories 27%
Those figures would translate to the Tories losing over 126 seats. Labour's largest lead since Tony Blair.
Side note to finish off for now:
Interesting how we now know a good 100 people who was at those parties, complete with photos, and yet Rishi Sunak is not in any of them. One might almost call it suspicious. And wonder at who the main source is.
I will try to keep this concise, and I will put in a Read More because fuck this is like... metres of political intrigue. Although first, quick housekeeping because I’m fed up of seeing some stuff turning up in the notes:
Americans stop being smug in the notes challenge. Just enjoy the clowns quietly.
It is not misogynistic to refer to Carrie Johnson as Big Dog’s mistress, you tedious voles, that’s literally what she was when he cheated on his cancer-suffering wife with her. He also dumped his wife, mid-chemotherapy, to shack up with Carrie Antoinette over there. I do not give the tiniest iota of shit that they are now married, and given that the UK press has spent two years trying to make their relationship into a fairytale princess situation, I will continue to brand her his mistress until the inevitable day he cheats on her with yet another younger model and fathers his eighth or ninth child (not an inaccurate number, this man has Disputed Children with other mistresses he refuses to take a paternity test for)
EXERCISE A MODICUM OF CRITICAL THINKING AND STOP ACCUSING ME OF THINKING RISHI SUNAK IS A GOOD ALTERNATIVE. I HAVE NOT SAID ANYWHERE THAT HE IS. ONLY THAT HE’S GUNNING FOR IT.
With that out of the way, it’s the 20th January 2022, let’s watch the elephant stand on a ball!
Earlier This Week
Let’s check the polls, after the fun of last week!
70% think he’s lying about the May 20th party, 63% think he should resign, 80% think he has not been honest, and 81% think the ‘work event’ that Big Dog described was unacceptable anyway.
But, how does that translate to politics? Well! The Police and Crime Bill is a monstrous piece of fascist legislation that the Tories are currently trying to get passed. This week it passed to the House of Lords. This would normally have been a very straightforward run through to the Queen to sign off, but LOL SOME PEOPLE ARE VERY BITTER ABOUT THE CHEESE AND WINE because instead the Lords have literally thrown out three of the worst elements.
Yes, you read that right. That Bill we’ve all been terrified about?
The Lords have rejected:
Allowing stop and search at protests without suspicion
Banning people with a “history of serious disruption” from attending protests
Making it an offence to disrupt the operation of key national infrastructure, like an airport or a newspaper printer
And then, just to rub salt in the wound, they approved two non-Tory amendments, including making misogyny a hate crime. In practice, those two amendments will now go back to the Commons to be debated more, but those three central pillars up there are just gone now. The Lords described the proposals as “draconian”, “a wider assault on our democracy”, and “reminiscent of Cold War Eastern Bloc police states”.
Never thought I’d see the day...
So, Boris the Big Dog realises he’s in serious trouble now, because that means that even MPs who supported him now hate him because his actions are costing them the fascist laws they wanted to put in place. So he has a meeting with the one Tory you can absolutely count on to blindly and incompetently support Boris Johnson regardless of literally anything he ever does - enter, Nadine Dorres.
She suggests a zippy new ploy. he needs to shore up support from the backbenchers if he’s to survive it, so she suggests he give them everything they’ve been asking for like a gift wrapped Christmas gift of shit, and they call it Operation Red Meat, because neither of them is bright enough to consider not naming their illicit backroom plans to let them go undetected, and also, they learned nothing at all from Operation Save Big Dog. Here’s the problem: Tory backbenchers are fucking lunatics. Like, this is your mad Tory uncle who thought the highlight of 2021 was that we put a picture of a crown on beer glasses again TAKE THAT EUROPE. So what bones did Big Dog throw these people?
Threatening to cut the BBC license fee, costing them billions
Also ending all covid restrictions
Asking the military to protect against asylum seekers crossing the channel so they have to go to Rwanda and Ghana for processing instead
Except cutting the BBC alienates a chunk of the core Tory votership, which is old people.
(Remember Ghana, it’s going to be relevant in a sec)
And, it turns out, while the BBC has been very effectively muzzled by the Tories, if you then try to take away their funding anyway... they just might remember they have teeth after all.
THE CIRCUS CONTINUES, let’s see some acrobats!
Two Days Ago
Remember how Big Dog’s plan is now to send asylum seekers to Ghana?
Ghana issued a press release.
To the surprise of absolutely no one, they hadn’t heard about this at all. What’s interesting is that they called the plan Operation Dead Meat. I 100% choose to believe this is an intentionally satirical choice about their view of Boris Johnson’s career.
Meanwhile, Boris has a meeting with MPs and bursts into tears. Lol.
Another party is revealed to have happened, this time in March. But Johnson is delighted by this one - he has an alibi, you see. “I couldn’t have attended,” he insists, “because I was in Chequers by then.”
Now Chequers is his second home. At the time, as you’ll all no doubt recall, Boris had delivered his speech at the start of the lockdown, on the 23rd March 2020, telling us all to stay the fuck where we were, and not to travel for anything. Not even to go to a second home. So, in the interests of fairness, yes, he probably wasn’t at the March party.
Because he was breaking the law in a brand new way by illegally travelling between homes. A brans new crime he just confessed to without provocation. Good job, Big Dog.
Then, Pippa Crerar announces that Dominic Cummings is willing to swear under oath that BJ not only knew about the 20th May party, but that he agreed it should go ahead. This is actually a bigger deal than it sounds, because it means he lied to the House of Commons, which is actually a major no-no that people are forced to resign for.
AND THEN
To call a vote of no confidence and to get Johnson to resign, we need 54 letters from Tory MPs.
It’s revealed that somewhere between 20 and 40 have been sent. This is primarily being led by a bunch of young, new MPs who came to power in the 2019 general election, who therefore don’t have any old ties to Johnson. Here’s the risk - that their inexperience means they get the timing wrong, lose the vote, and then we’re stuck with him. However, if that does happen, it makes the Tory party itself into a laughing stock no one will listen to.
Once again, I need to remind all of you that this man has a pathological need to be liked above all else. This is killing him.
Anyway, the acrobats were fun! Let’s move onto the jugglers!
Yesterday
The BBC, apparently starting to rise up again, have not just started following up on the letters of no confidence, but are sending Laura Kuenssberg to do it. This is impressive because she’s a massive dickhead, Tumblrs, just a huge Tory bitch, but even she is now wanting to put the boot in, it seems.
Six MPs have now gone on public record and announced they’ve sent a letter, and the BBC has found a 7th. Laura reports that 20 Tory MPs first elected in 2019 met to discuss submitting letters. This letter writing campaign gets called the Pork Pie Plot, because one of the MPs has a constituency including Melton Mowbrey, apparently, and thus the tradition of needlessly giving dramatic names to every fucking thought these people have is continued.
Afterwards, a Pork Pie Person says “I think we’ve done it – difficult to tell, though.”
In response, BJ holds urgent one on one meetings with MPs in the Pork Pie Plot where he was described as “broken and close to tears” and begged them not to leave. He promises them more money for their constituencies if they stay loyal, and threatens to withdraw funding for projects in their seats if not.
(This will come back to bite him in a minute)
Meanwhile, the Private Eye runs an interesting story. Remember the Queen, forced to grieve alone on Put Philip in the Floor Day? While the government partied? Apparently, Downing St offered the Queen a lockdown easing in time for the funeral, so she could have more people there. But she turned it down because… it’s not safe? She cares about optics? Who knows.
And then, it’s time for Prime Minister’s Questions, at which the following happened:
Johnson claims that he simply didn’t know the parties he held during lockdown were against the rules. This is a fascinating assertion from the man who made the rules, of course, but Dominic Cummings has announced that he personally had warned him, as did two others. Sue Grey, in response, announces that she will be interviewing Dominic Cummings
THE DEFECTION OF CHRISTIAN WAKEFIELD OH MY GOD. He was a Tory MP who got pulled into the office by the whip, and the whip tried to bully him and take his seat if he wouldn’t support BJ. So with the cameras rolling, in full view of everyone, he stood up, walked across the floor of the House of Commons to the Labour benches, and SAT DIRECTLY BEHIND KEIR STARMER I mean this man is a repugnant toad but my god, the DRAMA, the SYMBOLISM, I only wish he’d worn a cape
There are many Tories called David Davies, and they’re all appalling. This one is the least appalling, which really says nothing, it’s like comparing three virulent diseases. But: David Davies stood up from the back benches. He read out a speech, which he said was first given to then-PM Neville Chamberlin on the eve of WW2, urging him to stand down and allow Winston Churchill in. 'You have sat there too long for all the good you have done, in the name of god go'.
Johnson’s response to that last one was “I don’t actually know that speech,” which as defences go, isn’t one. A bit like saying “I didn’t rape Virginia Guiffre because I can’t sweat” for how useful or relevant it is, even if it’s true.
But like Prince Andrew, it definitely isn’t true anyway - Boris Johnson once wrote a book about Churchill and included that speech. However, no one is pushing that angle too hard, because this has made people read his book, and now the focus is on the fact that he made up most of the contents. Like, there’s a bit in it where he claims Germany seized Stalingrad during WW2, that level of made up. Here is a historian tearing it to shreds if you want history nerd drama.
The jugglers were fun! Now let’s see what you all came for: the clowns. Here’s the backing music if you want to get the full experience.
Today
Well, let’s start with the front page of the Independent.
You love to see it.
Downing Street have realised that the best thing they can do right now is to refute strongly only the things they think might be true, so they’ve given up on quotes about parties and instead are issuing official statements denying that:
Boris Johnson is called Big Dog by anyone, and
Boris Johnson cried
Precisely no one believes that, either.
Here’s Diana Johnson MP, asking another brutal question: “If the PM is spending his time trying to convince the British public that he’s stupid instead of dishonest, isn’t it time he goes? Now?”
Meanwhile the Telegraph have announced that a further 5 Tories are considering defecting. But why could this be? Well.
Remember how I said that BJ would come to regret offering MPs money for loyalty and threatening them with no money if they rebelled?
IN THE LAST FEW MINUTES, while I have literally been writing this post okay okay I am so high on the Drama right now, let me calm down
Right, so, Will Wragg MP. Yes, that’s his real name.
He’s a newbie as of 2019, and one of the MPs who has publicly admitted to a letter. He’s also the chair of the Public Administration and Constitutional Affairs Committee, and I’m sure he has nice eyes or something.
HE HAS ACCUSED NUMBER 10 OF BLACKMAIL
No 10 staff, special advisors and government ministers, he says, said there would be embarrassing stories leaked to the press if MPs did not support the PM
They also repeated those funding threats.
Quoth Will Wragg, “The intimidation of a MP is a serious matter, the reports of which I’m aware would seem to constitute blackmail.”
And he has urged other MPs to contact - and I need you to sit down for this one, I’m crying, this is incredible -
He has urged other blackmailed MPs, if they feel threatened, to contact THE METROPOLITAN POLICE
THE POLICE WHO ARE LITERALLY REFUSING TO INVESTIGATE
THE ONES WHO ARE RUN BY SAJID JAVID’S BROTHER
THOSE ONES
This is the fucking funniest thing that has ever happened.
To round off, let’s check in with the Ringmaster!
Rishi Sunak has been in contact with the Pork Pie Plot People, and has asked them what they need and what he can do to help. No one knows yet if he means “Help get rid of Johnson” or “Help you feel happier with Johnson”. All very interesting I’m sure.
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I love fantasy as a genre but I swear to god if I see one more character put a filthy nasty bloodied blade back in it's sheath without so much as a courtesy wipe I'm going to take a hobbit by the ankles and beat them with it what the FUCK
Saw my guy Mr. Tough Man grab his scabbard and went "Don't do it, bitch" out loud before bitch Did It and had to full on pause the episode and take a walk. GIRL YOU HAVE GUTS IN YOUR SCABBARD NOW. HOW ARE YOU GONNA CLEAN THAT. I'm legitimately so mad
Oh, hey, while I'm at it: WHY LORD WHY are you carrying WHOLE ASS KILLS back to the MIDDLE of your camp when you HAVEN'T EVEN BUTCHERED THE DAMN THING? Do you *enjoy* sleeping next to congealed blood? Your bed is going to smell like death. Fuck. Do you want wolves? Because that's how you get wolves
older lotr illustrations sometimes depict éowyn wearing ridiculously small armour. apart from the problem general sexualisation of the only female character (who really does anything), there’s another hilarious thought:
éowyn pretended to be dernhelm, a man. to fit in, she must have worn men’s armor. so the armor in the illustrations is normal for rohirrim.
therefore, all the rohirrim rode to war just like that:
there’s a thundering sound in the distance as the rohirrim ride into war but rather than hoofbeats it’s the collective sound of all their cheeks clapping
Frank Frazetta was the reason He-Man was designed like that; the producers conduct a study to see what art appeal the most to children, and Frank’s work came out on top in popularity. So everyone in He-Man is dressed the way they are directly because of Frazetta.
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anyways femme lesbians are wonderful and amazing and if anyone tells you that you’re no different than straight women it’s because they’re idiots with no sense of taste or nuance
love is real and worth it and SO important to me it’s pretty much my entire political spiritual philosophical deal………you can be critical of how romantic love is commodified and dominated by heteronormative myths for sure but ppl out there like “love is fake” aren’t doing ANYTHING interesting or subversive……love is revolutionary bc the systems that oppress us are directly opposed to all kinds of love, interpersonal love and self love etc. they’re trying to drive it out of us. love as an action love as a choice love as something u cultivate and tend to is the best thing in the world and it’s at the absolute centre of my life
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