linnesworld

I always think: man how could I have changed so much, I used to be this happy little girl who thought nothing could hold her back and now I’ve become this shell of who I was before.

But if I start to critically look back at old photos and videos, I see the beginnings of who I slowly changed into already when I was about 3 or 4 years old. That eagerness to please, to help other people. Failure of rejection. When I was told off by my parents, not even in any grand way but any small comment, you can just see the hesitation in my eyes, not understanding what I did wrong. As a child I already wanted to be as good as possible for other people. I tend to forget that, you know. That as a child I had my problems too. Life has been so depressed for the last couple of years so it’s easier to think that before these years everything was rainbows and flowers but it simply wasn’t. It was just that, as a child, I did not let it ruin my day. I did not let it make me insecure. I got knocked down, sure. But I always got up again.

Like someone is silently strangling me until I have no breaths left to take.

My throat starts hurting, I start gasping for air, tears stream down my cheeks.

Feeling deeply does that to people. Makes them really happy with the smallest of things, but when bad things happen it just knocks you out almost instantly.

please hold my hand every time you feel like it

please whisper “i love you”s against my neck

please wrap your arms around my waist and pull me closer

allow me to roam my hands all over your body and revel in the way that you are mine to love

i want your legs tangled with mine in bed

fingers slowly scratching my scalp, stroking through my hair in a soothing manner

you’ll press a kiss against my temple, whisper “good night” and we’ll fall asleep pressed against each other

my heart aches for your touch

my hands start shaking.

i can feel my heart pounding in my chest.

something inside starts aching.

it screams for attention.

“look at me!”

my head hurts.

every sound i hear is too loud

all the light i see is too bright

all the people around me are too much

silence and darkness

alone at last

floating towards nowhere

i have no idea

trying to carve out a place for myself

in a world that does not

need me nor

want me

hands are pushing me back into the darkness

shoving me away

i’m alone and empty

again

where do i exist

to who do i belong

when all is left unsaid

who will

I want to explore what friendship is

What love looks like

How it feels to not worry

And live without regrets

I want a book to pull me inside another world

To meet those with beautiful thoughts

To cry for the length of one sentence

To laugh for the length of two pages

To flip to the last page and know my ending

I want music to sing along to the melody of my life

So i know where my ups and downs will be

So a lullaby will comfort me when my thoughts won’t quiet down

To dance along the melody of the song that tells you who i am

Take me away to other worlds

Where my tears will be dried by a lover

Where my laugh rings in your head long after you’ve finished the book

i hate how i want to be a part of you but you won't let me

it's frustrating looking around me, seeing how there's no place for me here

i don't belong with you

you are there for the people who can look each other in the eye

the ones who can pick themselves up after falling

the ones who love without fear

and cry without hate

the ones who smile when they're happy

and let tears flow when they're sad

you're not there for me, i don't belong with the others

there's no place for people who are lonely

doubting every step they take

clinging onto the lifeboats of others to not drown in the vast ocean that is life

when i step outside and i feel the pressure of society

reminding me that i don't belong

and will never belong

i want to scream at you

put my middle finger in the air

every time i look at you, i feel filthy.

i feel like a dirty liar who's hiding behind a fragile mask.

i don't know what to tell you when you ask me how i am.

i can't possibly share with you the demons that make me cry out at night.

i can't possibly tell you how much my chest hurts when something bad happens.

i can't possibly tell you how sometimes, i don't even know if i want this anymore.

i can't tell you what i am like, it would terrify you.

every time i see you, i try my hardest to stay true to myself

not deceive you, not lie to you

be honest

it's infuriating how you expect me to point at the place where it hurts.

it's not like having a headache or a broken leg.

i don't know where the pain is coming from.

i don't know why my heart clenches painfully in my chest every time i think of things that make me sad.

i don't know why sometimes, tears flow over my cheeks like rivers out of nothing.

i don't know how to describe the feeling of being eaten up inside.

i have no way of telling you what my problem is or where it hurts the most.

it's like suffocating, trying to take deep breaths only to end up hurting even more.

there are these days where i feel like there are hands around my throat.

i feel so much inside but i don't have a way to let it out. 

it's suffocating me. it's silencing the person who i am. i feel my insides buzzing, soundless noise climbing up from the darkest places inside my body.

longing. for what, who knows. to find someone that hears my screams. for someone that can take my hand and whisper sweet nothings in my ear whenever my head is fucking with me. to loosen the knots in my chest and pull the noises nobody hears out of me. 

longing to breathe freely without feeling suffocated.

when you were a kid, adults would ask you one question all the time: "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

most people still know what they ended up answering. maybe you replied that you wanted to become a "princess", "a knight", "a fireman" or a "doctor".

now that we're all growing older ourselves, the answer to that question from our childhood often isn't accurate anymore which is a shame. in fact, a lot of people in their twenties don't have a clue. you end up going to university, having to pick a major out of a hundred options. people start telling you you finally have the chance to "shape your own life".

what they often do not understand is that it feels like you're making a choice about what you're going to do for the rest of your life at the ripe age of 17 or 18 years old. how can anyone make a decision like that when they don't even know who they are yet?

the truth is, your choice can give shape to your life. however, the choice that you're making is also shaped by those around you. the choice to go to college might be made by your parents, friends or society. sure, you can grow into it and start to appreciate it for yourself but it doesn't change the fact that the choice you made while you were fresh out of high school wasn't entirely yours. in most cases, it couldn't have been entirely yours because you still don't have a clue about who you are and where that's going to lead you.

it's a good thing to start thinking about yourself and your life at a young age. you don't have to be occupied with it at all times, but preparation always pays off. what we have to do is change the question that's asked at such a young age. kids don't know what they're going to be when they grow up. sure, they have dreams. but dreams can change, especially when you still have a lot of growing to do. so let's ask a different question: "who do you want to be?"

do you want to be a kind person? do you want to be passionate? do you want to lead a life with as many people around you as possible or do you prefer to be alone? if you want to take control of your own life, make your own choices, start with yourself. work towards the person you want to be in life. along the way, your opinions might change but eventually, once you can love and appreciate yourself for who you are, you can make a better decision. 

One of the biggest struggles I’ve been facing for the past few years is finding balance in life.

When making a tough decision, I often ask advice from others. I usually end up with 2 opposite perspectives, leaving me to choose which one I’m going to side with. The moment such a dilemma presents itself, I feel my body tensing up and my brain going haywire. I decide to collect as much information as possible. However, once there’s no more information to be collected, I’m stuck. I now know everything about my two options but I’m still no wiser about choosing one of them. I know in my head what’s more beneficial, but my heart won’t let me make a choice unless I actually feel something for one of the options.

This concept presents itself in so many different forms in my life that I get caught up in trying to make perfect choices. Spoiler alert: perfect choices don’t exist. The thing is that I want to base my choices on the consequences but in most cases the consequences are unknown.

When I’m looking for quotes to decide how to handle a situation in my life, I come across quotes telling me to “let go if it hurts” but also to “never give up on things I want”. I try to apply what fits best in the context, but I never succeed. It frustrates me that I’m supposed to know where the line between “persistence” and “letting go for your own good” is. I don’t know when I’m crossing it. I don’t know if I should go after the boy I love because I want him so badly or to let him go because it’s hurting me like hell. I don’t know whether to pursue a friendship because I value not being lonely or to walk away because I feel there’s no real connection. I don’t know when I should accept my situation to gain some peace of mind or try to change it because I have to evolve. I don’t know whether today I should strive to be as productive as possible or allow myself to rest and heal.

Where is the line? What factors are the most important when trying to apply these concepts to my daily life? I feel bad about everything I do because of all the information I have stored in my brain. When I’ve chosen something, I keep second guessing myself. Was this the right thing to do? Maybe the other thing would have worked out better? I’m feeling anxious, why did I choose to do this again? I should definitely have chosen the other thing. It was much more advantageous. I suck, why can’t I choose right for once?

I’m insecure about existing and I don’t trust myself to make balanced choices. So, I chase the boy I love and end up lonely, hurt and questioning my worth. I let go of a friendship and pursue another one. Months later, I find myself in a superficial friendship, missing the other friend I once had. I keep myself busy all the time in order to feel productive, but at the end of the day I only feel like a worthless piece of shit that’s been moping around in such a nonsensical way it’s absolutely ridiculous. I approach people, try out new things and pressure myself into being better. When I’m laying in bed at night, tears fall down my cheeks because of rejections, failures and a heartache so familiar I want to rip my chest open.

The ability to be fluent in choosing the appropriate thing to do in a certain situation is undervalued in my opinion. When you are a balanced person, you know what’s the best thing to choose, no matter what context you’re in. Putting options on a scale to weigh the benefits of each isn’t what’s going to help you make a choice. You have to balance out the involvement of your head and heart. Know when you’ve collected the necessary information, don’t chase after every little detail. It’s going to do you no good knowing every little thing that could go right or wrong. When that time comes, carefully consider the information and step away from it. When your head’s made the decision, present it to your heart. Let your heart make the final decision. You can possess all the information in the world, but that’s only the input. Your heart has to be involved in it too. Once you’ve presented the information to your heart, you’ll have an output that contains well-considered information and an openness to pursue it.

"the most important lesson i've learned over this past year is: don't let anybody make you cruel. no matter how bad you want to give the world a taste of its own medicine, it's never worth losing yourself."

bitterness is such a nasty feeling. it begins with an awful sinking feeling in your chest, making you wonder why your heart hurts so much. then it's usually followed by a tingling feeling in your body, making you want to scratch your skin open everywhere. your head starts to hurt because of all the thoughts clogging your mind. and then, suddenly, a switch: the tingling feeling gets your body hot, annoyance bursting in different places of your body. anger crawls its way to your neck, attaching itself to your throat, suffocating you.

why am i not good enough? why does everyone but me seem happy? why does this always happen to me? why does everyone hate me? i'm nice, right? i'm kind and honest and i try my best to please everyone around me. what the fuck is wrong with the world? why does nobody see me? am i invisible? i deserve to be happy, not them. i deserve love, not them. i deserve a pair of arms to engulf me when it gets hard. i deserve pats on my head to show appreciation. i deserve kind words and honest feelings. damn, i deserve it all. why do the people who are least deserving get everything they want handed to them on a silver platter? they're not kind, they're not thoughtful, they don't know what it's like to live your life for other people. they don't deserve love. they don't deserve honesty. they don't deserve happiness. i hate that. i hate them. i hate the world. i hate every single being on it. i hate how i put in so much effort and get nothing in return. why? why is this happening to me?

your head starts spinning, making you dizzy. every day when you step out of that front door, going to work or school, you regard this world with a permanent frown etched onto your face. whenever you see someone in love, or hanging around with friends, or having a good time with their family, your mind's already made up: they certainly don't deserve it, i do.

the question that now rises is: do you? with the way you're perceiving this world, the emotions and feelings in it. do you deserve to be happy?

see, bitterness is a feeling that leaves you entirely empty-handed. it gets you nowhere. bitterness won't affect anyone but you. that gnawing feeling inside of you will make you angry, annoyed and irritated, but often times you won't act on it because you're not ready to confront it. it doesn't enable you to make a change. you don't know where it came from and you don't want to know.

anger, hurt, sadness: they're all honest emotions that can put you into action. you can trace them back to their sources. bitterness only leaves you with more scars, hidden in a dark corner where you'll never be found because there's no one out there looking for you. pushing everything and everyone away , you may think that's a good idea. the only thing it does, however, is that it leaves you lonely, with a beast living inside of you to attack anyone who wants to make an entrance in your life. 

avoiding people, conflict and life won't make you more resilient; it will shut you off from the world and leave you with no reason to get out there anymore. yes, you'll be able to skip the bad moments, the hurt and the confusion but you won't experience the sweet moments either. you won't know the feeling of biting into ice cream on a terribly hot day, the feeling of rain on your skin, the sound of a child's laughter. don't rob yourself of that. 

dear anon,

thank you for your message in my mailbox. it's really kind of you to give me advice. making a decision is hard, especially when you feel like making mistakes is inevitable. i'll try to keep your words in mind. i'm happy that you had the courage to choose.