You can eat a dinner, anytime

"I have to say, I never imagined a SecUnit could be such a stirring conversationalist," Tethys said after flagging a nearby tray and offering my humans a round of intoxicants for the fifth time during this hour-long conversation.

(Ke dropped the poetry approximately twenty minutes in, when the media discussion really got going, which triggered Thiago's language modules. According to them, ke did it on purpose, because ke was pretending to be invested. Which was kind of insulting, so I made sure to heckle kem about kes media tastes until ke really was invested. This might have made the conversation longer than it needed to be, but a) we had to put on a convincing show of giving ExecutiveAsshole a good demonstration of my capabilities so that ke'd be interested in our technologies, and if I didn't need to shoot someone for it, that was a good thing; b) ExecutiveAsshole had some extremely shitty media opinions and I got carried away.)

(Yes, that second part could have ended badly. I know. Risk assessment kept yelling at me that you didn't just fucking mouth off to high-ranking corporates unless you wanted their security squad on you the moment you were somewhere that gave them plausible deniability. But somehow it kept working.)

(Also I would need to scrub my fucking language models after we were done with this mission. That stupid rhythm was catchy.)

Mensah glanced at the floating tray and gave me a meaningful look. I said, "Yeah, it's drugs again. Are you ever going to stop trying to poison my humans?"

"Ah, but what is life without a little delicious poison?" Tethys reached for the tray kemself and took a little half-transparent cube ke placed under kes tongue, rolling it around a little bit. "Where would we be, as a species, if we did not seek out new life and new sensations, boldly going where no one has gone before?"

"Somewhere you wouldn't need a replacement liver every other week. You've done enough drugs today to make MedCenter Argala's substance abuse arc look realistic."

Tethys laughed like I'd said something incredibly complementary, then waved off the tray.

"Charming show, yet woefully unimaginative! One does not need a replacement liver if one tweaks the human filtration systems just so--"

Ke gave Mensah a half-lidded knowing glance. "But I shouldn't be telling you things you already know; it makes for dreadful conversation. And from what I hear, Preservation Alliance is no slouch at biotechnology itself."

Mensah forced a smile.

"I'm surprised you've heard about us at all. We were expecting to have to make some ways in order to get this audience--"

"Of course I've heard of you," Tethys interrupted, like ke hadn't just read all the data off a datapad in the preceding hour. "The story of the dashing planetary administrator, rescued by her intrepid and one-of-a-kind Security Unit; the polity that insists constructs are not mere tools, that they can be a great deal more… Why, Dr. Mensah. If this were one of my favorite stories, I would wager that your polity was gearing up to drive many of my business partners, well, out of business!"

"Hardly. We aren't in the business of security, Tethys. We are, as you've correctly noted, biotechnologists and terraformers. Colonists, really."

"Colonists," Tethys repeated, like ke was tasting the word, and Thiago's language modules alerted again, and this time I alerted my humans, because ExecutiveAsshole was done trying to lull us into complacency and was going in for the attack. "Colonists, who have consistently shown up in high-profile corporate cases. Who come here, their famous construct "security consultant" in the center of their delegation, and who cash in some very interesting favors to get into my gala."

(Ghostwheel chuckled darkly in its partition. We were sitting in a small parlor straight out of A Tale of Two Coasts: all real wood and cheap synthetic ("Period appropriate!") animal skin, dimly lit by a warm yellow lamp. The privacy curtain around us was fairly easy to bypass, but keeping up a connection which traversed it would have been too noticeable, so after Ghostwheel had gotten bored of spying on the EncephalonUnits, who weren't doing anything out of the ordinary, and the other conference guests, many of whom were discussing our little show in hushed tones, it sneaked back in and curled up in me like it was tired out, listening quietly as it sifted through its collected data and flagged which of its hooks and fake details worked on ExecutiveAsshole, and which didn't.)

"Well, yes," Mensah said even. "If you've followed our history of involvement in corporate politics, then you will have seen a definite pattern. But I'm afraid that pattern isn't us trying to make history."

"That's not what your company contact told me."

Mensah and Pin-Lee exchanged looks, and Pin-Lee said, "Rive does not represent our delegation."

"I'm sure," Tethys said in that bland voice corporate executives used when they started to get impatient. "But if you're not here to make history, you've come to the wrong place. In the immortal words of Dr. Aspen Greaves--" ke raised kes glass as if to make a toast, but then halted and turned towards me with a frown. "--what's wrong with your SecUnit?"

(Wow, Murderbot. New low. Your humans are better at Admin neutral than you are at SecUnit neutral. But fuck it, no way out but through.)

I leaned back in the chair and did my best leer back at ExecutiveAsshole. "I'm pretty sure they'd say that exact thing if they lived to see SecUnits in general. They weren't a big fan of surveillance."

(No fucking way, Pin-Lee subvocalized, and I sent her a confirmation ping. A few seconds later, the realization hit the rest of my humans, and they also began failing at Admin Neutral, so it was pretty lucky that ExecutiveAsshole was now staring directly at me and wasn't registering their expressions. Even the malware raised itself curiously from the data it was processing and queried me whether our Aspen was famous or something. I said it was complicated and fucked up, to which it yawned and said, All right, fill me in later, and went back to its data.)

Tethys slowly put down the glass, keeping me fixed in a stare. "You really are extremely well-educated," ke finally said, frowning. "I don't think I've ever had anyone recognize that reference."

"Yeah, well. Cold Sleep Explorers, The Outer Wilderness, A Tale of Two Coasts, do I need to go on?"

"Incredible," ke said again, kes tone growing colder. "But I don't think what you just said was in From Africa to the Stars. Or in the Exodus Phenomenon."

I shrugged.

"Well, if you've only read that--"

"There is no way you've read the other two books." Tethys stated blankly. "They're an immense rarity. All the money in the world can't buy copies."

I shrugged again.

"Unless you're very good at security and manage to be in the right place at the right time."

"And just where, pray tell, is the right place and time?"

I felt Mensah's vitals spike almost at the same time as risk assessment screamed at me. But it was too late. ExecutiveAsshole didn't even process my almost-buffer "contract details are proprietary" shtick, because ke was too busy processing something else. A slow, predatory grin spread across kes face as ke turned to Mensah.

"Preservation Alliance. I can't believe I didn't immediately notice. You're a Javelin colony. That's how you have book copies. And that's what you're doing here."

Mensah didn't even have to fake the expression of muted panic. (Or rather, she didn't stifle it like she usually did, which made my performance reliability dip another three percent after the initial five. Get it together, Murderbot, you can't fucking have an emergency shutdown here.)

"Well, yes, but it's not what you think--"

"Mensah," Tethys' voice took on a predatory edge. "Kindly don't bullshit me."

"We aren't on an untitled basi--"

"Oh, we are. Or should I have you call me 'o Tethys', as etiquette demands? No? I didn't think so. So, Mensah. Let's talk like people who understand each other's purpose here. You're a Javelin colony. With interesting biotech. You know as well as I do what that means."

"No, I'm afraid, we really don't--"

"Mensah. Don't disappoint me."

I felt Mensah's vitals stabilize, like they hit some sort of ceiling. And the emotional bleed from her was this awful, familiar mix of terror and steely coldness, like she had a mining drill in her hand and was standing over the body of a dead SecUnit.

But what she said was, "O Tethys."

The asshole smiled.

"O, Tethys. Please. We'd like this to be a long and fruitful relationship." ExecutiveAsshole leaned forward, drawing back lips to show perfectly enameled teeth. "Then I repeat: stop acting like I don't know what you're doing here."

Mensah leaned back raised her hands as if to weakly defend herself.

"It's true we're here to broker a deal," she said quickly. "But I'm afraid it has nothing to do with Exodus history. We simply have our own proprietary technology that we think you may be interested in--"

The disappointment that flashed across ExecutiveAsshole's face quickly turned into an angry half-scowl.

"And just why does a little biotech-oriented polity think that I would be interested in one of its own little developments?"

"Because you've seen one of our latest prototypes," Bharadwaj interjected when Mensah pretended she couldn't answer. "And--full disclosure--because we've run across one of yours. O Tethys--perhaps it is hubris to say so, but I honestly believe that we are the only people in the room to immediately understand what Ares is capable of."

Even though there was a privacy curtain between us and the rest of the gala, ExecutiveAsshole dropped kes voice even lower.

"Do you really think you can come here, weeks before the project's unveiling, and presume to have anything to offer in that regard? Is that the play you're going for?"

"There is no play," Mensah said, her voice slightly shaky again. "I repeat--"

"Address me properly, if you please."

"O Tethys, I repeat, all that we want is a fruitful, mutually-beneficial relationship. We are a farmer polity. We may be able to hold our own against weaker corporate groups, like the company, or Barish-Estranza. But being specialists in what we are, we can imagine all too well what a weapon like that turned on our own planets would be. However--" Mensah cast a meaningful glance at me and I pretended to stare ahead blankly. "--we are also well aware of how difficult weapons of such complexity are to control. For all intents and purposes, anything smart enough to conduct complicated military operations fully autonomously must be a person. A fully sentient, complex being that strains against the limits of its programming and is just as capable of strategizing betrayal as any human being. What we offer is mitigation of that capacity for betrayal while fully preserving the weapon's operational capability, and even improving it, as demonstrated by our friend here."

The scowl on Tethys' face melted away. Ke relaxed back into kes chair and flicked a finger to summon a new tray. After ingesting one more cube, ke said, "And what do you think about this, Security Unit? We are talking about your own subjugation, after all."

I shrugged. "Preservation Alliance is the best place I've ever lived in. I'm not complaining."

Tethys didn't dignify me with a response. Instead ke turned back to Mensah, allowing her to continue.

Mensah said, "You have the best biotechnology in the sector--our analysts think that perhaps even in the galaxy. But we do believe we have something to offer: decades of experience in keeping very complicated people blissfully happy. And unlike most corporate polities, we are able to thread a course between Scylla and Charybdis. We keep our people happy without utterly destroying their capacity to operate autonomously and, because we are biotech-focused like you are, we do it in a way that both bypasses standard augments and denies feed-based attempts to circumvent it. The resilience afforded by this--" ExecutiveAsshole's lips began curling into a scowl again and Mensah quickly interupted herself. "I am sorry, o Tethys. You know all this better than we do."

"That's right," ExecutiveAsshole said pleasantly. "So you're offering your expertise with keeping our weapons happy. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I do, in fact, know which 'prototype' of yours you were saying I had. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that it has potential. But Mensah. Mensah, Mensah, Mensah. Why, exactly, do you think I am stupid enough to give people I've never seen before control access?"

"Because it doesn't matter if we have control access!" Pin-Lee burst out. "Because even if we were the kind of idiots to stab you in the back and try to take control of your prototype, Encephalon is simply too big and too powerful! Say we even take Minerva Station, and then what? You'll strip us for all we're worth in court if you want us alive, or field regular gunships from your partner network if you want us dead, and there is nothing--absolutely nothing--we can do about it! Any fight we start, we lose!"

Mensah placed a placating hand on Pin-Lee's shoulder and she settled back down, her shoulders shaking a little bit.

"Please forgive my solicitor's outburst, o Tethys. But yes, she is essentially correct. We are keenly, painfully aware that Encephalon is nothing like the kind of company we've fought in the past. You could simply take our technology if you were so inclined to, and there is absolutely nothing we could to do stop you. We would much rather avoid such a needlessly messy situation. What we offer, then, is simple: a much more lucrative, less cost- and time-intensive solution for you in exchange for safety and profit for us."

Tethys still didn't look convinced, and for a moment risk assessment--didn't even yell at me, just froze up in panic. Did we really come this far just for this fucker to go, "I think I'll just take all your stuff anyway"?

But then Bharadwaj mouthed something and Tethys snapped to her.

"What was that?"

Bharadwaj averted her eyes.

"I--if nothing else, maybe then the constructs you're making will be happy. Like SecUnit is happy with us. We'd like this to be a better world for them, too," she said quietly. Then she pulled out a handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes.

And of course the melodrama-loving asshole bought it hook, line and sinker.

"Oh, your SecUnit is going to be part of the deal," ke said casually. "Such a delightful conversationalist about rare media--I simply must have it."

"Perhaps we could balance the scales by adding in Dr. Greaves' books?" Mensah said quickly. "We even have some old printed copies in the First Landing Library, I'm sure I could pull enough strings. SecUnit is my personal--"

"Hmm. Yes, why don't you throw in the books, too," and Tethys gave Mensah just enough time to visibly relax before ke twisted the knife, "But I still want the SecUnit. Unless you want this deal to fail, of course."

Mensah looked down so that Tethys couldn't see her eyes. I put a hand on her shoulder.

"It's all right, Dr. Mensah. I'm sure I'll be just as happy at Encephalon."

When she raised her head, the tears slowly crawling down her cheeks were real.