You can eat a dinner, anytime

sad news, my son Crispin Shopify III saw a picture of me when i was breastfeeding him as a baby. the psychiatrists all agreed that exposure to this act which is potentially incestuous and sexual was equivalent to infinite permanent sexual trauma, and so we've decided to euthanize him and just start again from the beginning. hopefully i wont fuck it up again this time. god bless.

I'm a pacifist like institutionally but I'm absolutely certain that violence solves at least some problems on a much smaller level. I don't believe in wars or nuclear weapons or military campaigns I do believe in the power of that guy who punched the nazi in the face so hard his entire media presence immediately crumbled to dust

i love how American food for the most part is 1252232 billion dollars and doesn't taste like real food.

it’s really problematic of you to maintain the harmful binary of “you” and “not-you”. literally just join the hive already.

I feel like it should be a crime to have your results at the top when I search “free download” if your download isn’t free. I think the death sentence has cuteness in this one instance

just received the best text message I’ve ever had. from my mom

I wish there were different words for the different types of forgetting because  when I say I forgot something, I don’t mean “I forgot we had plans on Friday.” I almost always mean “I forgot today was Friday.” I know my friend’s birthday is on March 20th, but I won’t wish her happy birthday on time because I won’t know it’s March 20th on March 20th. My forgetfulness has nothing to do with not caring about/remembering events and everything to do with my inability to keep up with the passage of time.

My most common one is being 100% certain I did the thing already because the memory of doing it and the memory of intending to do it are the same mental images.

A bridge over troubled highways.