Fake Triple Compotency

ADHD: If nothing changes, I will cry.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Your friends aren't your therapists"?

If you've been on the internet enough, I think it's a sentiment that's pretty difficult to miss.

But you know what that means, right?

It's meant to warn people not to place too much personal baggage onto their friends when they should be unpacking it with a professional. It's to say that venting to your friends shouldn't be your main source of coping. That is to say: most of your friends are probably unqualified to untangle complex emotional & mental health problems, and if you expect them to endlessly listen to your problems & have them help "fix" you, then that's usually going to end up in stress and tension in your relationship (or worse).

Do you know what "Your friends aren't your therapists" DOESN'T mean?

It DOESN'T mean that you shouldn't ever seek any emotional support from your friends or that you should keep all your problems to yourself.

Yes, it's important to establish boundaries in all your relationships. If there's something you'd rather not hear from your friends (and vice versa) that should be talked about if it ever becomes relevant. If your friend is easily overwhelmed by a lot of emotion/stimulus, then you shouldn't dump serious emotional things without checking in to see if it's okay first. Over time, in a healthy communicative relationship, you get a feel for what's okay and what's not.

But goodness fucking me when I see folks say that they don't deserve to express their harder emotions because "friends aren't your therapists" I just... I mean woof y'all!

What kind of friend is a friend that doesn't care if you're upset? What kind of friend sees you struggling with something and tells you to deal with your own problems because they don't owe you anything? What kind of friend comes around only if you hide your pain at all times?

A fair-weather friend, that's what kind. A friend that's only around for the good times, and goes away during (metaphorical) storms.

If someone only wants to be a fair-weather friend, that's their prerogative. But I'm telling you all that you deserve the kind of friendship where your friends actually give a fuck about you. You deserve to take up space sometimes. You deserve to get heavy things off your chest with someone you love and trust.

If you want better, stronger, healthier friendships, it's important to understand that intimacy is about Knowing and Seeing and Experiencing someone authentically. Taking off whatever mask we wear to get through the world and being ourselves and sharing that with another person. Anger, pain, grief... tackling these issues with each other builds trust and intimacy and makes everyone involved feel more important & needed & cared about. Isn't that what all this is for?

Anyway, this is all to say: be open about your emotions. Communicate with your friends (& tbh in all your relationships). Learn each other's boundaries, but don't shut each other out just because emotions are scary to navigate at times.

Please be kinder to yourself. Seek intimate friendships, AND seek professional help when you need more support than your friends can provide. Just don't assume your friends can't give you any support! Assume that they love you and trust that they will tell you if they're at their limit. And if they *are* at their limit or if they just aren't comfortable with some conversations, respect that & don't try to force it onto them.

and then you think, very quietly: actually. actually. I think I want a coffee. a nap. a sandwich. a book.

and I want to die turns day by day into I want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friend, I want to sit in the sun

I want a cleaner kitchen

I want a better job

I want to live somewhere else

- An older adult solely hanging with younger teens (I’m talking 25yo & 15yo) and who doesn’t seem to have any other adult friend is a red flag.

- An older adult talking to a younger teen and saying stuff like “you’re the only one who understands me” “I’d hurt myself if you weren’t there” “You’re my only friend” is a red flag.

- Someone (regardless of age) who constantly ends up in discourse & drama is a red flag.

- If you’re afraid to talk to your friend(s), if you feel like you’ve got to tiptoe as to not set them off and get yelled at/ostracized/worse, that’s a red flag.

Green flags:

- Makes sure you are comfortable/ respects your boundaries. (Backs off if they notice you are uncomfortable, offers to hang out in safe places including in public, with your parents present, etc)

- Is cool with you having other people tag along when you hang out (your parents, a friend, an older sibling, etc)

- Your friendship focuses on shared interests, and doesn’t wander into any overly personal areas (made a friend at a knitting class at the community center? Great! Don’t be afraid to learn from them and only be knitting friends. It’s okay if that leads to other shared interest too, as long as it doesn’t have the red flags above)

Anyway, keep a look out for the red flags, but don’t let that prevent you from getting to know adults IF you feel comfortable or if YOU want to.

In general, I think the image types are hard for people to conceptualize. Being heart last is more common than being heart first (or probably even heart second). 3 descriptions can fall short, but outside perhaps being geared a bit too much towards the social instinct, 3s and 3 fixers who don't see themselves in 3 are more often in denial of their 3 traits than misinterpreting the descriptions (or assuming subtype descriptions are all encompassing).